u/Guilty_Direction_501

For background, I am 21 and audhd with schizophrenia spectrum disorder and ocd. When I was ten years old, i was having violent meltdowns that lead to me being hospitalized three times within the span of two months. I was referred to an ABA therapy program that relied on taking things out of my room and masking. They eventually recommended that i would be sent to a day school for autistic children.,This school used a lot of familiar methods such as taking away special interests and privileges as punishments, classes that were made for teaching you how to act neurotypical under the guise of social skills, and the overlooming threat of being sent to a residential facility if we were too much. There were rooms in the school that were basically empty rooms that staff would put people having violent meltdowns in that had basically nothing in them.
When my ABA therapist first started working with me, everything was taken from my room. I was left with a mattress, sheets, blankets, and some plush toys. I had no bed. No closet doors. My clothes were in the hallway closet. No art supplies, and no electronics. Screen time was heavily restricted to thirty minutes a day for video games, and an hour a day for television. I was pulled from my general education school and put in a place known as the center of autism and related disorders before i was sent to the school for autistic children. It was there where i had seen other staff try to encourage the higher support needs autistics to be normal, such as playing with toys "correctly", reduced stimming (called "physical stereotepy.") and of course, social skills groups. I was often infantilized and forced into holds.

Once i had "graduated" from my special education school that was meant for autistic children, i was seen as the star student. But what had been happening beneath was a hospitalization that happened several months prior where I was sent to a really shitty psych hospital that made my trauma with psych hospitals worse. I went home after the hospitalization and was made to sign a contract called a "no harm contract." Basically, they would threaten me with hospitalization whenever i would show any hint of violent behavior with the underlying threat of being sent to a residential facility.

I remember with the ABA clinic i was going to that we had social skills groups. One of them was a cooking class. One of the other students at the cooking class had tourette's, and was ticcing a lot. Rather than try to find the triggers for the tics, they put her on a "grade system" where if she ticced too much, she would be isolated from the group without any dessert, which eventually happened. There were a bunch of social skills groups where we had to learn how to act normal and not autistic.

Several months before the pandemic, when i was going to a general education school, i was feeling bouts of depression linked to my inability to run the mile at pe class at school (which was likely due to undiagnosed hypermobility issues.) I felt like there was something severely wrong with me, i always felt judged by other people for appearing too silly at school, and there wasn't a lot of neurodiversity affirming resources (there wasn't any really in my area.) So, i would get so depressed, i would stay home in bed. What was my therapist's reaction to doing this? She would have my dad take everything out of my room once again.

I also forgot to mention that up until i moved out of my parent's house, the door lock was turned around on my door. I would be locked inside for sometimes the entire night, and would have to scream to get a snack or use the bathroom.

Eventually, I would be pulled from a general education school again and placed in an independent study program. I was still struggling with depression so bad i would stay home in my room. Well, under my therapist's approval, my dad would take my mattress out of my room. Eventually, it happened enough where my dad would force me to sleep outside of the house with a sleeping bag. My school staff and therapists knew about this, but no mandated reporting was done.

I was hospitalized yet again on my eighteenth birthday. I tried to report my abuse, but nothing was done and I would have to go back to that environment. I have since moved out of that environment almost three years ago, but only after another hospitalization where i was sent to a trauma informed crisis home which made the report to adult protective services.

I keep wondering, was anything that I experienced part of the troubled teen industry even though i was never sent to the traditional wilderness camp/theraputic boarding school?

Every time i crouch down to say hello to a heeler at the park, they come over even if that dog is normally shy. I don't try to force it if the dog is not in the mood. But often times, the heeler is in the mood. Do they recognize that I also have a cattle dog?

Does it ever stop hurting? Elbows, hips, ankles, and the bloody knees. I extend my knees all the way back and all my pain has gotten worse. I turned 21 two days ago and it's really reaching its peak today. When i bend my knees, they hurt. When i don't bend my knees they hurt. I want to saw my legs off and live like lieutenant dan for the rest of my life sometimes. Ibuprofen helps but not for long. My dad called it growing pains when i was younger and welp.

Please help me stop feeling sore. I need to make an appointment with my general practitioner soon anyways.

Its not only remembering to eat, but also food that is just too hot that I can't handle. I used to love goldfish, but it started injuring my mouth so I haven't had goldfish in months. I often forget to make myself dinner so I would just have snacks. Also, sometimes, I would microwave dinner and it would be too hot. Breakfast has been reduced to just toast and jam or sometimes Pie if its available. Im frustrated and embarrassed because I wish I wasn't so picky or difficult. I'm 21 years old and there are times during the day where having anything that isnt a fluid in my mouth genuienly disgusts me.