u/Heartfullofdreams91

I’m going to die soon,
I had hope for myself till today but it’s over,
I’ve spent the last few weeks sorting out legal things live finalising my divorce, updating my will, sorting my pension out, I am working on setting up a medical directive so no one intervenes if things don’t go as planned,

What would you all do if you had a month left?
I am going to be spending two weeks with my entire family in early September,
Then after that , it’s over for me.
What else would you all do? If you have just weeks, what should I do?

Today is MM birthday.
I has asked him last week if we could go to the cemetary at some point (any day) as it was my mums birthday last week.
He suggested today which was his birthday.
I said no, he said no he wanted to and it was the only day he was free and so we agreed to go today.

MM lives 2 hours from me. Everyday he reminds me how awful he feels and how he’s struggling and I take it, I try really hard to control my feelings. He’s always the victim.
If I say anything to do anything then I risk him hurting himself.

I wanted him to show up for me just once without making me pay for it somehow.
I texted him this morning saying happy birthday,
No response to that- just that he was up all night as he’s not well.
I said I was happy for him to come later so long as he was here by 2.30 as the cemetery closes at 430 and it’s an hour away.
He doesn’t carry his phone on him when he comes to see me, he said that was fine and I was happy with that , so I waited.

He told me he would be here by 2/230- He showed up at 310, I said happy birthday still tried to keep a happy face on and he just walked past me as he needed the bathroom.
I said it’s too late he insisted we go. I called an uber and on the way there he turned his face to the window and fell asleep. When he woke up I said what was the point in coming, I changed the location to go back to the house instead.

When we got back we had a huge argument and I hate that because it’s his birthday. I spent the entire day making a cake for him got candles I really never imagined I would ever get to physically see him on his birthday.
The last two years I’ve never even gotten a phone call.

I lost it, I completely lost it.
His wife probably doesn’t have to beg or cry for things. Yet I have to wait for scraps. When he does show up he’s always depressed and there’s never any joy.
He said he wanted to see me smile today, but the reality is what is one smile when I cry everyday.
He said he’s busy with work and he isn’t busy with his family. But the truth is when you’re in this situation all any of us ever think breathe feel is the pain of knowing what goes on behind closed doors. It’s a lie. His wife gets love recognition safety security children breakfast lunch dinner talks comfort weekends- we get absolutely nothing! We sit in the torture of it, the torture of their lies.

I kicked him out, I knew it would get worse than it was at that point and I just broke down and sobbed after he left.

What is there to smile about on one day. Everyday is torture: everyday is pain and it’s not fair. He will go home now to his wife and kids and continue life as normal and I am here struggling and beside myself hating that yet once again my anger and emotions ruined the day and now I’ve ruined his birthday.

This dynamic is so cruel, it’s not fair. Hiding behind kids is not fair.
I have lost everything and I truly was so excited to see him today . I didn’t even get to hug him.
Not even a hug.
I guess the good is always for the wife, the other woman gets scraps and shame that’s all.
I’m really struggling with my life, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to do this.

I’m really struggling with life and just everything
It’s my mums birthday tomorrow.
I’ve spent most of my life without my mother,
I’m at an age where I’ve lived more than she did.

My world and life are changing so much at the moment and my future terrifies me.

I feel helpless lost and just alone.
I have a lot coming up and there are certain decisions I’ve made for myself.
I know that there are always challenges in life and it’s normal to struggle, but not this much.

The older I’m getting the more life is like this, the ache inside me just gets more and more painful.
I’ll never be a mother. It’s the summer holidays and kids are off school and I’m surrounded by them.
It’s so painful. It’s never going to be something I will ever be able to accept or live with.

It’s my mums birthday on Thursday. She would’ve been 56 but she died when she was 34.

I can’t go to the cemetery on Thursday I know my family will go and I don’t want to risk bumping into them.

It’s hard, it’s really hard growing up without a mother.
A child can grow up without a father and I don’t mean this in any disrespectful way towards dads or people who have fathers,
But growing up without a mother is debilitating.
Everyday there are a number of times where I stop and think I wonder,

I miss my mum. Life has really beaten me the last few years and I feel defeated. I wish I could turn to my mum right now and tell her what’s been going on,
I’ve spent most of my life wondering what it’s like to have a mother. I was 13 when she died and I remember her but not as well as I would like to.
I look at pictures and watch videos, but it hurts.

Being a motherless daughter is one of the worst fates a girl can have. You’re always lost and always missing something.

I am desperately seeking a blanket from the 80/90s

willing to pay, does anyone have one for sale?

I’m really struggling
I can’t cope
I’ve been on high alert for two years now and now everything is happening at once and I can’t cope
I’m struggling so much and I feel alone
I don’t have anyone I can reach out to, I want my mum

Today was the first time I told someone I was abused.
I told my therapist a long time ago, and I told my mum when it happened.
But today in an argument it came out and I feel dirty and ashamed.

It was a long time ago and I went to therapy I did a lot of work and I blocked it out.
In the last year there have been a lot of triggers and I found it impacting every aspect of my life and personality.

But now someone knows. And I feel sick.
I drove a couple of hours and I’ve pulled over now and I threw up.
Someone in my real life knows and I feel sick. I haven’t said it out loud in over 15 years and that was to my therapist.
I feel worthless I feel used I feel dirty I feel like everything I felt all those years ago
I didn’t need this right now
I’m struggling to cope and today it came out and now it’s consuming me again

Many of you post here to various people in your lives,
My post today is a letter to a child I will never know. I can’t share this with anyone in my life and saying it out loud destroys me.

You don’t exist in this world and I never got to experience anything about you, I will never carry you, I will never hold you, feel you, smell you, feed you, clothe you, bathe you, teach you, watch you grow, wipe your tears, kiss your feet, watch you sleep, I will never know your love.

For as long as I have known and can remember, I have wished and prayed for you.
I was a little girl who played with dolls and sat at her mother’s dressing table wishing that one day I could be someone’s mom.

The idea of your possible existence is what got me through my darkest and lowest days.
I would lay in bed at night and dream of who was yet to come.
You were my hope, you were my dream.

You’re not real, and in this life you won’t ever be.
There is a love inside me for you and there is nothing in this world that I would have cherished as much as you.

In my heart you are real, in my soul you are real, in my dreams I see you sometimes and in my prayers you are real.
But in this world you’re not, and I’m sorry.
I would have loved you so much. I’m sorry that you won’t be real in this world. You are in my mind and soul and tears. I love you.

I’m really tired
I want my mom
I’m so fed up with my life
I just want it to end now I am so tired of being abused I’m so tired of constant trauma I’m so tired of facing everything alone
I’m a human being
I’m real
I find myself having to beg to be seen and heard
I beg for love
I’m 34 and I’ve gone my entire life not being loved, not being valued or respected, I’ve faced everything alone and I’m just so tired
I have a countdown on my phone to when I can end it for myself and as it approaches I just find myself wanting my mom more and more
I’m so isolated I’m so alone
Sometimes I have a home sometimes I don’t
I have no friends, no partner, no kids
I exist and it’s such a cruel existence
I’m tired

MM is on vacation with his wife and kids.
Said it’s the last one and he wanted his kids to see his family.

We met over the weekend and I asked him directly, all things aside, do you want me yes or no.
He said no.

He looked me in the eye and said
No.
After 2 years and endless patience and heartbreak,
He said the no was in relation to the context and it is just because of the kids.
He said when he’s back there will be action but my question to him was then why be with me if he doesn’t want me.
He said we will talk about it when he’s back. I texted him about how it all made me feel and he said he understood didn’t want me to feel scared and that the no was in relation to the context which I’m assuming is that he would not be able to see his kids everyday once they seperate.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know how I feel too.

Today he’s off on his family vacation and I’ve spent the last few days and today just sobbing.
I don’t know what to believe, I don’t know what to think.
My therapist told me this morning there always seems to be an excuse.

I’m just shocked that with everything that’s going on, this man seemed to think it was normal to just plan this perfect family holiday and off they go like everything is fine and normal. And I get it- in their house it probably is. They’ll spend an entire week together living this fantasy typical normal family life and it’s gutting to me.

I’m beyond my breaking point I have very little interest in life or anything now, I trusted him, I honestly just can’t believe it.
They’re two parents taking their kids on holiday. Quality family time. This is bullshit. I’m so enraged and I’m also devestated. I don’t know what to do, it’s day 1 and I want to implode.