Trigger warning: Suicide
My (Non binary 21) friend wants to end her life. They live in Canada and I F20 live in the US, they have no one right now. I need them or else i dont know what life entails for me. I wish I can say more but this is so urgent and i dont know what to do. Please help.
I feel mentally and physically exhausted. For one, the USA is becoming unlivable. I live with my parents yet still struggle heavily because im eating what I save. My parents want me to pay 800 dollars in rent and it honestly makes my life hell. I want to save for bottom surgery but im worried i wouldnt ever get to that point until i'm like freaking 50 years old. My parents dont know im trans and if they figure out i might end up in the streets or living in my broken down car.
I want to go out and dress feminine and put on make up to feel pretty but I am not confident at all in my appearance and I dont want to be spat on or confronted.
My car might break down and I just got it. I feel dysphoria literally way harder than before I came out as a transwomen. I take antidepressents and somehow still manage to feel depressed asf. Im in debt a couple hundred dollars. My rooms a mess and the more I worry about it the less i bother to clean it.
Im so tired of it all, I wish I can leave America and start a new peaceful life in like Mongolia and not have to worry about all this. I wish I born the way I have always desired to be born and I wish I had someone in person (another transwoman or man) that I can go to for emotional wellbeing and guidance.
But I have nothing and im so tired of it.
At the end of the day the only thing i can do to feel a little bit better is rant to strangers on the internet to clear my head.
Am I the only one that feels like im headed no where?
Im so tired
I feel mentally and physically exhausted. For one, the USA is becoming unlivable. I live with my parents yet still struggle heavily because im eating what I save. My parents want me to pay 800 dollars in rent and it honestly makes my life hell. I want to save for bottom surgery but im worried i wouldnt ever get to that point until i'm like freaking 50 years old. My parents dont know im trans and if they figure out i might end up in the streets or living in my broken down car.
I want to go out and dress feminine and put on make up to feel pretty but I am not confident at all in my appearance and I dont want to be spat on or confronted.
My car might break down and I just got it. I feel dysphoria literally way harder than before I came out as a transwomen. I take antidepressents and somehow still manage to feel depressed asf. Im in debt a couple hundred dollars. My rooms a mess and the more I worry about it the less i bother to clean it.
Im so tired of it all, I wish I can leave America and start a new peaceful life in like Mongolia and not have to worry about all this. I wish I born the way I have always desired to be born and I wish I had someone in person (another transwoman or man) that I can go to for emotional wellbeing and guidance.
But I have nothing and im so tired of it.
At the end of the day the only thing i can do to feel a little bit better is rant to strangers on the internet to clear my head.
Am I the only one that feels like im headed no where?
I live in the USA and living here is not hard for me right now. But, im planning on moving to Canada and these are the questions I have:
-What jobs would hire a 20 year old American with a associates in Science and experience in computers repairs? What jobs regardless of anything will higher outside of Canda?
Should I secure a place before I get there or when I get there? Should I look for a roommate to room with or live alone?
What place in Canada is the most recommended for newbies?
What are somethings to avoid and look out for?
Lastly, should I come by ride or flight I plane on taking 2 pieces of luggage and a dufflebag?
Some key notes My parents wont be helping me in this process, I've never moved abroad, and I only have one good friend in Canda; I have no family or other relations.
All answers help but if you do have experience I encorage you to tell me how it went for a central idea. Thx :)
Ever since I had my first traumatic incident, which resulted in a panic attack, my behavior has been out of control. At first, I thought I could control myself, until I started noticing that I had constant mood swings throughout the day. I isolated myself from conversations and interactions, and so on.
I only isolate myself from others because I don’t want them to see what’s wrong in my non-expressionless reactions and dull responses. I’m very nonverbal, but I do talk to people. My concern is that this will grow and put me in a worse state of being, but that’s not the majority of the problem.
Half of every month, I’m depressed, especially at night. At night, I usually call a friend I found online, and I messed up when depression hit me... I had a whole episode on call and should’ve hung up. Throughout the day, I’m paranoid and jittery. Without music as a stimulant, I am grumpy and even more paranoid. In the morning, I start twitching, and for some random reason, I get overly aggressive. I get random negative thoughts that someone might hurt me or has some motive to, or that I will always be useless. (I acknowledge this isn’t true, but these thoughts come at random.)
But the worst part of it all… Is the way I stim for comfort.
Ever since I gained enough awareness to speak, I have been stimming in the weirdest way possible or at least the weirdest way in my opinion. I have never told a doctor or physician because it’s too embarrassing, and honestly, I hate to assume I’m being judged. When I was little, my imagination was heavily relied on. I had strict parents, and technology, media, TV, you name it, were very limited. I read every possible book but got very, very bored. So, in order to fix that, I would play pretend, which involved me creating movies in my head and acting them out from start to finish.
I would walk around my room and constantly talk to myself. Sometimes I would even run, climb, and completely embody every character I made up. When I do this, I’m not in the real world—it’s as if you put me in VR glasses and I’m in a whole new realm. From my perspective, it’s very cool. From someone else’s point of view… I look deluded.
I have no idea why I thought this would be the best way to comfort myself, but this has been going on to this present day. I’m 20 years old—you’d think I’d grow out of playing pretend—but it’s uncontrollable. I do it so often and so much that it becomes an uncontrolled daily routine.
Sometimes I pretend I’m the person who directs the movies, taking on an interview for a behind-the-scenes. Sometimes I pretend I’m an artist in a band, or some kind of celebrity.
It’s out of control because I’ve known myself to do this for 2–3 hours max, and sometimes I do it when I have important stuff to finish, which is really the worst.
I don’t want to self-diagnose myself, but I am going to see a psychiatrist soon so I can learn more about myself. My parents said that health professionals thought I had autistic traits, such as speech issues, which I needed therapy for... but they brushed it off and told me “I was just like any other kid,”
What I’m asking for is any advice. I don’t want to self-diagnose, but I want to get a general idea of what I’m going through. All comments are appreciated :)