I don’t want to put my negative emotions on my partner because they weigh on him heavily and he worries about me so I’m just throwing this into the void.
Our 10.5mo is sick with her first stomach bug. Diarrhea, some vomiting, not really interested in food at all- she’s taking some formula and pedialyte and that’s it. Luckily there’s no fever, and she’s mostly acting like herself.
And her normal self is going through separation anxiety where she shrieks her fucking head off if I so much as put her down or leave the room. I still do it, of course. I’ll put her down in the pack and play to do a couple of dishes, or set her down to go to the bathroom, etc. But for the most part I’m right next to her while she plays, either playing with her, or serving as her personal jungle gym.
The combo has been hard. She’s been having wakeups at night because she doesn’t feel good or is hungry, and sleeping lightly. I had her in my arms from 10:30-2am last night, and she was awake again at 5. Still shrieking her head off if I set her down when she doesn’t want it. Still fighting her naps. Still trying to pull my hair and scratch my face and pinch my body (I try to maintain as much of a boundary as I can but there’s really only so much logic you can have with a baby).
I’m fucking losing it. When she pinches my arm fat by trying to use me to stand up, it sends me into a blind rage. When she scratches at me I want to smack her away. When she refuses naps and locks eyes with me and screams I want to throw her out the window. Knowing she’s sick and feeling this way just makes me feel even worse. I’m prone to thought spirals and self-loathing so it’s just not a fun time in my head right now.
I’m also in recovery from a binge eating disorder and last night while waiting for a bottle to warm, I had a binge and undid all of my progress, so I’m feeling like shit both physically and mentally from that, too.
All of it has me practically praying that I get whatever bug she has, just so that I can get some rest (I’m SAHM, my spouse works, we have very limited support systems during the week).
Just really hating myself and this situation rn.