For context I play hsr a lot, and I love voice chat. the problem is that none of my friends like vc, so km mostly just there with one singular friend everyday.
Im streaming hsr in https://discord.gg/GbvgK6myN
you have to be 15+ to enter…anyway that’s all
I dont know what’s wrong with me. For context, I am someone who has always had friendship, and relationship issues. These issues having been stemming from insecurity, and instability. From the trust that I don’t have in people, and the selfishness I know I have deep inside.
I never had friends. I grew up with maybe one best friend, a few acquaintances, but ive grown up with my only influences having been my family, and people online. Thus, I’ve tried socializing in real life, and online, desperately.
I have gone through 3 different friend groups. My first, in real life, where they all loved each other more than me, and while they did nothing wrong, they just didn’t like me as much as they liked the others. the second, was the same, I was at the bottom of the social hierarchy, and the third— my current.
I thought it was going to be different. I joined a discord server one month ago, on May 30th. I was not quick to make friends there, and I hadn’t planned to. but that was until I actually started talking, and people started replying. It was a very slow, very long build up, but during the mid point I had started gaining friends.
one after the other, people who I talked to, people who actually wanted me to speak, people who put me there not in the bottom of the social hiearchy, but in the middle. I assumed I was gonna steadily climb until, I did become a vital part of the social circle. I created the friend group, I started texting and interacting with people daily, I even stopped thinking pessimistically as i had always had.
But good time dont always last. Maybe it was after they found the people who resonated with them more, maybe it was after I had started to take it to the next step with our Interactions, and I put my whole vulnerable self on a platter, but they found their groups.
They found their duos, their trios, their own groups. People that were important to them more so than me, where if one person left they’d go in a frenzy trying to get them back, where if one of them left someone would notice and try to re-assure, but where I stopped existing entirely as a part of the circle—and just its addition.
I went back, to being the lowest. I went back to not having my duo, not having my trio, not having my group. I can’t deal with it. I wanna block every single one of them again, I wanna shut them all off, and I want them to notice me. I want them to to see that I, have been distant. That I have stopped talking with full energy. That my attempts to get hem to socialize with me have gotten increasingly desperate.
That I have gotten less stable, that I have less trust that they like me, or want me. I want just ONE of them to look up after me, to see if I’m doing okay, or for them to actually notice I’ve been distancing myself, but they havent. Because I’m not as optimistic as yaya, I’m not as funny as Kei, I’m not as cool as scyro, I’m not as unhinged as belly, and I’m not good enough to catch their attention.
I wanted to be optimistic, but I’m slipping away. Slipping back into self harm, slipping back into bedrotting, and slipping back into being sad every day of my worthless life. I don’t know what I expected, because I shouldn’t have even expected anything in the first place. I’m mediocre.
I want guidance, I suppose. I want to know if I should keep going, if I should trust one of my friends with how I feel, but there’s risk in telling any of them.