u/Hot_Block_7237

okay so I guess this is a rant I’ve had hinge the last two months in total I’ve gotten 1 like that was last night after I did the reset feature and three matches all super dry and boring never responded I’ve had all types of photos and prompts and different settings I’m 24M And I get it fine I’m not the greatest looking thing but I’ve sent over 150+ likes easily and it’s like how am I getting absolutely nothing like NOTHING I’m always respectful I actually interact with comments and it’s just nothing I live in Kentucky maybe that’s an issue due to skin color ? I don’t know my friends can put up hardly any effort basic prompts delete there account twice a week and still have a better outcome then I do

Just found out my ex is already with someone new.
Lately, I’ve been trying my best to focus on myself—I joined an MMA and BJJ gym, work and life are slowly moving forward, and I’ve been trying to keep my head up. But finding this out has my mind completely spiraling tonight.
How can someone look you in the eye, say they "just aren't ready for a relationship or want to be alone," and then turn around and end up with someone else immediately? How do people throw away real history and move on that fast without missing a beat?
It just feels like a lot to handle all at once right now. Any advice on how to stop overthinking this and keep pushing forward?

I was doing good by not posting and ignoring things and then boom today I was crying my eyes out feeling useless.

We were together one year and only been broken up a month.

Hey everyone,

My fearful avoidant ex and I broke up June 6th. I asked her to block me for my peace and she did. A few days ago she unblocked me on Instagram. Since then she’s been way more active than she ever was during our relationship:

• Posted a Taco Bell story saying “To the person who got me addicted to Taco Bell… I’m still trying to figure out if my life is thriving or spiraling.”

• Changed her bio to “simply living 🙃”

• Reposted a “When you know you know” video.

I know she’s on Bumble and adding guys. Part of me thinks she’s met someone new and the “Addicted” song + increased posting (even at 2am) is about that. The other part wonders if she’s trying to send me a message with the timing and nostalgic stuff.

I’ve been doing okay with progress — joined BJJ and MMA classes, spent the afternoon with family playing pool, picked up some stuff at the mall. I have her blocked everywhere (even on my alt account) and I’m only about a day into it, but it’s eating at me. I get these moments of quiet (watching the sunset) and then it hits hard. It’s only been a month and I hate that I still care this much while she seems completely moved on I honestly wish I could do the same thing and forget about her.I feel abandoned and left questioning everything.

Spoke to my therapist this morning but I’m still confused. Is this typical avoidant behavior (nostalgia + distraction while moving on)? Or is she indirectly trying to say something? How do I stop the rumination and actually focus on healing?
Any insight is appreciated. Thanks.

I’m sitting here at 1am, sad and crying, writing to strangers on Reddit while she’s moved on like it was nothing. I’m genuinely asking — was I too emotional? Too much?
I had a seizure, lost my childhood friend, was dealing with family chaos, and I leaned on her.

I opened up, checked in on her, tried to be supportive, and wanted a shoulder during my hard times. She’d sigh and huff when she got notifications from me she’d say .. and she told me in person Now I feel worthless, like I was doing too much and that’s why she left.

I trusted her. I loved her loud. But after all that, she discarded me and moved on fast. My life feels chaotic and never-ending. I see why it was easy for her to leave — who would want to be with someone like me?

I just don’t know what to do anymore guys I’m a month out and I honestly hate how much I love her I hate how much icc bc are and I hate how much I miss her when I genuinely shouldn’t for the things she said and did why does it have to be this way.

Hey everyone,
Just wanted to share a weird update and vent a little.
After the final breakup, the restraining order threat, and me asking her to block me for my own peace (because I knew I’d struggle with no contact), she actually did it. Weeks later she manually unblocked me on Instagram. Unblocking isn’t some casual thing — you have to go into settings, find the blocked list, search for the person, and confirm. So why go through all that trouble if she’s supposedly moved on and wants nothing to do with me?

It’s odd and confusing. Part of me wonders what the point was, but I’m choosing not to engage. I’m getting better. I’ve filtered out ex/avoidant content across my socials, been going to the park, walking, reading, and trying to focus on real life stuff. It still hurts some days, but I’m healing and feeling a little better overall.

{{

UPDATE:

A day or so after she unblocked me on Instagram, she posted a story in the hoodie I got her. She barely posted anything during our entire relationship I don’t recall her posting at all, even casually. So this feels pretty pointed and unnatural for her. My friend who’s a girl says “girls just post stuff sometimes,” but it contradicts how she was during our time together.

The song is “Addicted” by Haley Joelle (first ~42 seconds). It’s about being intoxicated by someone, wanting them so bad it feels like an addiction, and the fear that comes with it.

Part of me wonders if it’s about me or if she’s already found someone new and is moving on fast. Either way, I’m still holding on more than I should be, and it sucks.

LYRICS

I think I'm addicted to your hands on my hips
I think it's the first time that I know what I need
And I want you so bad, so bad that I'm scared that
Now I'll know how good it is if you ever leave
No one does it like you do
Knowing every part of me
No one does it like you do
The way you love me. }}

To anyone else dealing with the random unblocks, mixed signals, or the “why even do that” confusion — you’re not alone. The inconsistency is part of the pattern. Keep choosing your peace.
I’ll update in a couple of days on where my head is at imma try to slowly withdraw and check in now n then Thanks for the support here.

Hey everyone,
I’m really struggling with this loop and would love some insight, especially from avoidants in the sub.
If she wanted to date around and be on apps, she could have just done that. She didn’t have to reach out earlier this year. She came back saying she couldn’t stop thinking about me, took some accountability, made it seem like she wanted to try… then left again and jumped straight on Bumble and adding new guys.

If she actually loved or cared about me, her actions would’ve been different, right? The hot/cold, the discard, the quick move-on while I’m still crying and grieving — it makes no sense to me.

I try so hard not to think about it but especially late at night I keep looping. Trying to talk to other girls feels like such a huge task and makes me feel horrible and worthless. Meanwhile she’s out there moving on like I was nothing. How does she do that?
If you’re an avoidant or have been through this exact cycle, I’d really appreciate your perspective. Anyone else stuck in the same “why come back just to leave” confusion — you’re not alone.
Thanks for letting me vent.

I used Gemini Ai to help me write this and no I didn’t say it so anything inappropriate I didn’t have the app for almost two weeks back then login things are clean few weeks later I’m banned anyway enjoy my story.

I need to vent about the absolute clown show that is Hinge / Match Group support. I’ve been dealing with a multi-year ban on Hinge that makes zero sense, and I finally decided to escalate it through the Better Business Bureau (BBB). The result? They completely exposed how broken and hypocritical their entire enforcement system is.
Here is the full timeline of everything that happened since I opened this ticket:

Phase 1: The Ghost Ban & The $175 Robbery
Out of nowhere, my main Hinge account was completely banned. No explanation, no warning, just an immediate cutoff. The worst part? I had recently paid $175 for a premium subscription. They didn't just ban me; they pocketed my cash for a service they refused to let me use.
For two years, I tried to be the nice guy. I reached out politely, submitted appeals in good faith, and acted with maturity. Every single time, I was met with a brick wall of automated, copy-pasted Terms of Service scripts. It felt like there was a weird, personal block against my account, because any actual human looking at the situation would see the time that has passed and say, "Okay, let's fix this."
On top of that, before the ban, the overall experience was already trash—barely getting any likes or matches, feeling shadowbanned, and then completely getting locked out.
Phase 2: Banging My Head Against the BBB Wall
I finally had enough and escalated a formal complaint to the BBB demanding two very simple things: Reinstate my account, or give me my $175 back.

Hinge’s corporate compliance team responded to the BBB by hiding behind their legal jargon. They literally stated that per their Terms of Use, they can terminate an account at their "sole discretion" without a refund. They also threw in a threat, pointing out that their policy allows them to ban users across all Match Group affiliates, explicitly naming Tinder.

Phase 3: Catching Them Red-Handed
This is where their entire logic completely imploded.
While they were writing formal letters to the BBB claiming I was such a "safety risk" that they had the right to ban me across their whole network, I was actively logged into Tinder using my exact same main phone number and email.

I literally pulled up my Tinder settings, and everything was perfectly active. If I were a legitimate risk to their ecosystem, their automated systems would have purged my identity everywhere. The fact that I am completely authorized to use Tinder proves that the Hinge ban is totally arbitrary, inconsistent, and erroneous. They are talking out of both sides of their mouth.
Phase 4: The Bureaucratic Escape
I hit back in the BBB portal, calling out this exact Tinder contradiction. I told them straight up: You cannot pocket a consumer's money while simultaneously proving your own enforcement logic is flawed.

What did Hinge do? They panicked, ignored the Tinder proof completely, and just copy-pasted the exact same "no refunds" script a second time. Because neither side was backing down, the BBB just closed the case as a standstill because they don't have the legal teeth to force a refund.
Conclusion

At the end of the day, Match Group is a predatory monopoly. They will happily take your $175, hit you with an algorithmic ban based on a glitch, and then use a dated mediation process to escape accountability.
I’m done fighting for my main account. I'm just going to use my alt account from now on. Fuck 'em.
Has anyone else caught them in a massive contradiction like this where you're banned on one of their apps but perfectly fine on the others?

She gave bare minimum, no support during my seizure/grief/family trauma, called me too much/too emotional, and now she’s already on Bumble, adding new people, meeting others, and seeming completely fine.

Meanwhile I’m still destroyed — nightmares, can’t enjoy nights, self-esteem in the gutter — feeling like I was just used for comfort and validation when she was lonely. She reached out mid-May because she wanted that feeling again, but when it required real effort and showing up for me, she ran.

What I don’t get is: how can someone be so scared of actual love and closeness (the vulnerability, consistency, support) that they shut down and discard you, but still reach for new attention and “love” with other people so quickly? It feels like she’s willing to offer that romantic energy to strangers but couldn’t give it to the person who actually fought for her and loved her deeply.

I know I need to stop researching and focus on healing, but the unfairness of her seeming unbothered while I’m carrying all this pain is eating at me. Anyone else experience this? How did you make peace with the “scared of love but still chasing new connections” contradiction?
Thanks for listening

Hey r/AvoidantBreakups,
Most of you know the backstory with my ex by now. She’s already come back twice — once after the January breakup, then left again in June saying “separate ways for good.”

What I’m really struggling with is how fast she moved on. She’s already on Bumble, adding people, following new guys, and seems completely fine while I’m still having nightmares, can’t enjoy nights, and my self-esteem is wrecked. I feel like she was just using me for comfort and validation when she felt lonely, then discarded me again when it got real.

How do they move on so quickly? Is it genuine suppression/distraction? Do they actually feel nothing, or are they just running from the guilt and discomfort? She threatened a restraining order after an accidental call and her sister told me to leave them alone, yet part of me still doesn’t understand how she can act like none of it mattered.
I know I need to stop researching and focus on my healing (therapy, job, routines), but the contrast of her seeming totally unbothered while I’m still destroyed is eating at me. Anyone else experience this after multiple cycles with an avoidant? How did you finally make peace with the “she moved on so fast” part?

Hey everyone,
I’ve had this painful realization lately: she was just using me. She liked the comfort, the validation, the support I gave her — especially when she felt lonely or the new distractions weren’t enough.

She came back mid-May saying she couldn’t stop thinking about me, but it wasn’t because she truly wanted the relationship. It was because I was safe and reliable. When it required real effort, communication, or showing up for me during my hard times (seizure, losing my friend, family trauma), she shut down, pulled away, and eventually left again like I meant nothing.

I gave my all. I tried to reconcile, owned my faults, apologized, opened up about my insecurities, and fought for us multiple times. She gave bare minimum, called my needs “complaining” and “negative energy,” and dropped me twice. Now I feel used, betrayed, and unlovable. My self-esteem is in the gutter. I keep thinking “was I just a boy toy or placeholder the whole time?” It hurts so much because I trusted her and let her in when I was scared to let anyone in.

I know I’m not perfect and got anxious because of the imbalance, but damn… realizing I was mostly there for her comfort and not truly valued for who I am is crushing. Anyone else have this realization after an avoidant relationship? How do you rebuild your self-worth when you feel like you were just convenient?
Thanks for listening. Just needed to get it out.

Hey everyone,
You all already know the first half of my story with my avoidant ex (the cycle, the breakups, the emails, the recent stuff). I’m trying to make sense of the pattern and I have some specific questions.

Do avoidants come back often, even after they say “separate ways for good,” threaten restraining orders, or say really hurtful things? She’s already come back twice, but this last time felt final. Do they eventually reach out to apologize in a real way, or is it usually just breadcrumbs and more of the same? Do they actually regret how they treated you, or is it more temporary guilt that fades once they get new distraction/validation?
I’m trying to prepare myself mentally because part of me still has this weird intuition she might reach out again, even after everything. How do you handle the uncertainty when they have a history of circling back? Any experiences with them coming back after being cold/hurtful and whether it led to anything real?

Thanks for any insight. Just trying to understand the pattern so I can protect my peace.

Hey everyone,

I wanted to give a full update before I take a break from posting for a while.

Earlier today I accidentally called “R”. I thought she still had me blocked and was trying to call my friend Ray through Siri while playing a game. The call went through because she had unblocked my number (which I found weird after being blocked for so long). She texted me back upset. I explained it was an accident and I didn’t mean to call her. She replied “Okay well if there’s something to be said don’t hesitate. Take care.”

I took that as an opening and sent a message speaking out how I was feeling how much I still care, how the relationship hurt me, how I felt unlovable and like a burden, how I was struggling with everything after the seizure, losing my friend, and all the chaos. I was emotional and vulnerable.

She got even more upset and said “I don’t want to talk I’m done! We are over this is harassment” and threatened a restraining order. She was dead serious. Her sister also told me I need to block her on everything and let her go.

She also said how I called from my mom’s phone and how I reached a new low ? Because it showed my mother’s name upon the call but I’m on the same plan as my mom ? So I don’t understand I’m just over it and her making me look shitty for caring.

I feel horrible. I know I’ve been reaching out too much and crossed boundaries. I’m spiraling with guilt, self-hate, anger at myself, and resentment toward her. I’ve been so overwhelmed with depression, dissociation, and the feeling that I’m a bad person who ruined everything. I hate what she did to me — the hot and cold, the lack of support during my hardest times, the way she dropped me like I meant nothing twice — but I also hate how I handled the pain.

I’m going to take a break from posting here. I need to focus on therapy, work, routines, and actually giving myself space instead of keeping the emotional loop going.
Take care of yourselves.

I feel so insecure and right now I don’t have a car. I’m overwhelmed and always tired. I’m sorry for my life Raegan I don’t know what else to do or how to do it. I tried to do what I could so I could change things and get a car so sorry for not being able to just get one like everyone else. I feel like such a loser and you bought me here my self esteem is so low I don’t know who I am anymore how could you sit and do this to me and then walk off like I meant nothing as if I was a piece of shit of a person. I tried to love you and care for you and you just wouldn’t let me. I don’t understand was I not good enough was I not doing good enough financially. I hate myself now because how life has panned out for me even though it’s things I can’t help — my father died when I was 9, my brother had cancer when we met, my sister lost a kid and almost died. I didn’t even have the slightest chance to recover and “save” and go to school super early. I just feel actually horrible bottom of the barrel about myself. I’m sorry it’s not all sunshine and rainbows either.

Hey everyone,
I had one of the worst dreams last night about Raegan. We were far from home, just the two of us, but there was some guy there I guess she was dating or messing with.

Everything felt odd and uneasy. She didn’t seem real even though she was right in front of me — it was like an alternate reality. The guy walks off, I notice I’m completely unacknowledged. I’m sitting in the car with them, walking with them, then for some reason I go after him. When I come back, her and her mom are just there. I leave again, come back, and she’s gone. I’m running through different parking lots, screaming and crying her name at the top of my lungs. I woke up legit crying, couldn’t breathe, and had to leave the house immediately.

I had a similar dream during the first breakup — she was right in front of me but like a black void. I could smell her, see her hair, but her face simply wasn’t there. As I reached out and tried to call for her, it felt like I once didn’t exist.
These dreams are intense and they’re still messing with me. The fog, the sadness, the feeling of being invisible — it all hits so hard. Anyone else having these kinds of vivid, painful dreams about their avoidant ex where you feel like you don’t exist or you’re chasing someone who’s already gone? How do you cope when they wake you up like this?

I am straight up spiraling right now. Running on almost no sleep, and the day-by-day emotional whiplash is destroying me. One minute I think I’m fine, the next I’m completely down. I spent the day outside trying to clear my head, but my brain just won’t stop looping.

I genuinely do not understand how they can just jump ship, get on dating apps, hook up with other people, and act like you never existed. The mere thought of downloading a dating app or being around another girl literally makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve tried talking to a few new people, but I have absolutely zero energy or effort to give, so it just ends with getting unmatched or unadded on socials. It’s exhausting.

What is breaking my brain the most is the "phantom" return. She already came back once before, only to leave a second time even faster. Why even bother coming back? Why drop a massive, late-night confession about her deepest hidden struggles and trauma only at the very end when the ship has already sunk?

I love this girl to death. Even though I’ve said things out of pure anger and resentment because of how badly she hurt and disrespected my trust, a part of me still wishes it would work. But watching someone give the bare minimum to you, and then seemingly throw all their energy into someone else... it makes you question your entire reality she’ll go on dates sleep with others talk to others etc etc and it’s just like wow.

Did what we have mean anything to her at all? How do you accept that you were the one fighting for the relationship while they were treating it like a revolving door? Just need to vent and see if anyone else has survived this level of obsession and pain.

Throwaway for obvious reasons. Reddit already knows the story — my ex has strong dismissive-avoidant tendencies (hot/cold, emotional shutdowns, pulling away when things got deep, leaving me on read for 30+ hours after vulnerable messages, even showing one to her parents and saying they were “fond of it,” etc.).

What I’m really struggling with and want honest perspectives on is why the attachment is still so strong even after seeing all the data from old chats.
For me personally, besides the physical/sex connection, it was the overall intimacy and family-oriented life we built. She was very family-focused, and that meant everything. Holidays like Easter, Christmas, birthdays, sleepovers at her house, spending genuine time together with her family, and even integrating with my family — it all felt so real and warm. I’d be sitting at her place thinking “damn, this must be nice” and it gave me this deep sense of belonging and vulnerability I craved. Those moments made the good times feel incredibly special and meaningful.
So my questions are:

• Why do so many of us (especially anxious-leaning people) get so powerfully attached to avoidants?
• Why does the intermittent closeness + family warmth create such a strong trauma bond even when the pattern was exhausting?

• How do you finally break the attachment when your brain keeps replaying the highlights and the “what if it could have been consistent” fantasy?

Would love to hear from people who’ve been through the anxious-avoidant trap. How long did it take for the fog to lift? What actually helped?
Thanks for any insight.

Just sitting here spiraling again. I’ve been through every stage of grief — the sadness, the emotional stress, the anger, the resentment — and I really thought I was starting to move on. But after that last conversation, it’s all flooded back. I still have so much anger and resentment toward her. I thought it was finally over, but clearly it’s not.
Every single day is a rollercoaster. One moment I’m desperately hoping she’ll reach out, yearning for her like an idiot. The next moment I’m relieved she hasn’t said a word. It’s exhausting.

My self-esteem and confidence are in the gutter right now. Work ethic? Basically nonexistent. It’s so weird because when I look back at life before her, I was solid. I was comfortable in my own skin, more confident, had my shit together. Now it feels like she stripped me of all of that. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
I hate that one person can have this much power over how I feel. Anyway, thanks for listening, Reddit. Needed to get this out.