u/Hot_Impression_8995

My Mum is not officially diagnosed as Autistic, but it is highly likely she is. I'm looking for some advice on how to cope with my mum and, more importantly, how to establish healthier boundaries with her.

My mum has always been challenging in my life and relationships. She's also genuinely very kind, caring, giving and motherly, which makes this complicated. But she can also be incredibly self-absorbed, emotionally dysregulated and exhausting to be around. Lately, it feels like things have got significantly worse and I'm reaching the point where I've had enough.

A major issue is that our conversations and visits seem to revolve almost entirely around her problems with other people. She will go on long, negative rants about how people have treated her, often bringing up things that happened years ago and that she clearly still hasn't let go of. There always seems to be another person who has wronged her, another situation she is angry about, or another reason she feels people don't understand or respect her.

She also frequently talks to me about my dad and expects me to engage with it. I'll often find myself trying to explain how he might be feeling or why her behaviour towards him might have contributed to whatever conflict they're having. I've realised I'm essentially being put in the position of mediator and emotional sounding board for their relationship, which I don't think is healthy.

She also has very strong spiritual beliefs and talks about them constantly. She's entitled to her beliefs, obviously, but she seems unable to have an open discussion where somebody disagrees with her without feeling attacked. She has previously had an argument with my boyfriend about spirituality because he questioned some of her beliefs, and she apparently felt very attacked by this. I've noticed that she seems to feel attacked by disagreement quite frequently and tends to blame other people for her emotional reactions rather than considering whether her own behaviour was inappropriate.

Recently, she also told me that one of her spiritual "healers" had blocked her. She assumed it was because she had gone to see her while she had a cold. I obviously have no idea why the woman blocked her, but knowing my mum, I wondered whether it could have been more to do with how stressed, angry and emotionally intense she can become with people. Again, I found myself trying to make sense of someone else's reaction to her.

The most recent incident involved my boyfriend. I organised a nice day for my mum, a friend of mine and me, and my boyfriend has generally been nothing but friendly towards my mum on the occasions they've seen each other. Despite this, my mum suddenly launched into a rant about him in front of my friend.

I was extremely angry and shut it down quite aggressively because I was so frustrated that she'd chosen this particular occasion to do it. My boyfriend is understandably now uncomfortable about spending time with her, although he's still willing to put up with occasional visits because he knows she's my mum.

Afterwards, my mum said something along the lines of, "I wasn't myself that day, I was full of hay fever and stressed because I've been stuck in the house, but I hope Prudence still had a good day."

And honestly, I wanted to scream.

It was my day too. I'd organised something nice and then had to deal with her behaviour. What I wanted to hear was something like, "I'm sorry I ruined your day and made things uncomfortable for you." Instead, it felt like she was explaining why she'd behaved that way and then worrying about whether my friend had enjoyed herself.

This is a recurring problem. She'll become upset or angry, rant about someone, behave inappropriately, and then when challenged she'll explain why she reacted that way. I then end up reassuring her, explaining other people's perspectives, helping her understand why someone might have reacted negatively to her, or otherwise trying to regulate the situation.

I'm exhausted by it.

Sometimes I literally have to tell her to stop shouting or to stop talking about something altogether. I feel like I'm constantly managing her emotions.

I think I've also realised that I have become the person who has to make sense of everyone else's behaviour for her. If someone is upset with her, I try to explain why. If someone disagrees with her, I try to explain their perspective. If she has fallen out with someone, I help her work out what happened. If she's upset, I reassure her.

But I'm increasingly thinking: why is this my responsibility?

I don't want to spend every visit listening to a catalogue of grievances. I want to actually enjoy spending time with my mum. I don't want every conversation to become an analysis of my dad, my boyfriend, her friends, her spiritual beliefs, or somebody who has apparently wronged her.

I'm also conscious that she genuinely does have a loving side. She can be incredibly caring and supportive, and I don't want to portray her as some cartoonishly awful mother. That's part of why this is so difficult. I love her, but I'm finding the way she relates to me increasingly exhausting.

I'm starting to think I need to stop trying to get her to understand why her behaviour is inappropriate and instead focus on setting boundaries.

For example, rather than trying to explain why she shouldn't rant about my boyfriend, simply saying, "I'm not discussing him like this. If you have a problem with him, you can talk to me calmly, but I'm not going to sit here while you rant about him."

Or with my dad: "I'm not getting involved in what's happening between you and Dad."

And when she starts another long rant about somebody: "I'm sorry you're upset, but I don't want to discuss this."

The difficulty is that I feel guilty doing this. I think I'm so accustomed to trying to understand and soothe her that it feels horrible to simply let her be upset without fixing it.

Has anyone else dealt with a parent like this?

How do you stop becoming their emotional dumping ground/mediator without feeling like you're being a horrible or unsupportive daughter?

And how do you maintain a relationship with someone you love when spending time with them has become emotionally exhausting?

My (31F) friend is 31F and still lives with her parents. She is trying to save money to move out but it's not enough to live near where her parents and family live, but she doesn't try to look at alternatives, not saying she should have to but trying to buy in her area on an average salary is ludicrous. She likes comforts and doing the same things she has always done, liking the same things she's always liked. She is overweight and eats significantly over the daily calorie intake for a woman each day, and she eats incredibly unhealthy, only able to stick to plain foods.

She clearly wants a partner, but refuses to go dating because she fears she'll never find someone she likes who will like her back, she is not confident about how she looks, and she thinks she has too many mental or physical problems for anyone to like her. When I try to suggest or talk through remedies to the above, she dismisses them mostly as if she can't do them and often ends with 'oh well I guess I'll just die alone'.

I've tried so hard to be supportive, encourage her to make small changes, and offered to be there for her if she needs including e.g. Helping make a dating profile, and every time we get close to some progress she goes backwards. I always ask what she needs and try to suggest something, but she always finds an excuse not to do it. She is a good person and deserves so much more than what she gives herself, it's so hard to watch her behave as she does when I know she wants so much more.

What do you recommend I do to try and help her? What are the best things for her to focus on? Should I do anything differently?