u/Hour_Figure_9342

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I want to make English stronger than my native language I know it's crazy but just tell me what to do everyday and how long it will take? I want to like natives.

I have been addicted to pornography for almost seven years now. I want to live and do many things. I'm trying to find a meaning in life. I have sexual trauma,so I have a problem with sex overall. I cannot stop. I want to stop. I cannot do anything while being addicted to porn. It just prevents me from doing anything. I feel guilty every time I watch porn or masterbate. Life has so many things I want to live maybe I'll find a meaning but this addiction just screws up everything.

For me it is the death of Katerina Marmeladova.

I'm struggling with finding a meaning,but there is always this idea that attracts me. The idea of helping my society. I cannot take a move into this path because of my thoughts. I think all my efforts are in vain,so I keep imagining myself helping people just in my head. I have helped some homeless people in real life but I do want to help people more like teaching children foreign languages, teaching them how to think critically, etc. I really want to take action. I really want to help my society. What to do ? I want to get out of my head and start acting in real life. I want to stop having fake dopamine.

I hate being alive like I don't want to eat nor to drink, why? Simply because I don't .People are just nothing they are like puzzles. I never wanted to live, I always wanted to commit suicide. People cannot imagine someone commiting suiciude just because they simply don't want to live. There is a Quote I love " He took his own life just because he was bored and he wanted to try something new ". Why does everyone consider death as something awful ? I always asked myself that question especially after the death of my grandpa. Everyone was crying, I was not . They told me that I don't care and I should not be with them just because I was not crying. Why would I cry? What is going to happen after that ? Nothing! My problem is looking at everything and considering everything as not worthy but I should do things, things I don't want to do but I should do. I'm just waiting for my death. I hope I can make that day come earlier.

Guys I'm not depressed it's just what I think about life so that no one thinks I'm venting.

How to make sure that I have understood it?