u/I_literallycant3

So ive been with my husband for 7 years and married 3 of those years. He has bad anger issues where he screams loud and breaks things. A chair, the door frame, my journal, throws my stuff, breaks kids toys. He's man handled our 4 year old before but i think it was out of fear. Our son (who has autism) was eating his poop and he was trying to get it our his mouth and became frustrated and ended up making his lip bleed from being too forceful. That was 2 years ago.

A few months ago, me, him, our son, and our 3 year old daughter was on the way to the museum. My son got overstimulated because his tablet wasnt working and has a pretty high pitch scream. My husband turned around and back handed him in the mouth out of anger. My sons lip started bleeding. He says he didnt mean to make him bleed but he intentionally meant to hit him in the mouth because thats what happened to him when he was young. I freak out and yell because we have NEVER hit our kids in the face. I made that clear before we had kids if we need to dicipline them we pop their legs or hand. And he was just overstimulated he wasnt even being bad..

more recent situation. I asked him can we have more family outings when he woke up from his third shift job and he said it was fine. I mentioned we owe our kids that much to take them outside and not have them in the house all the time, he was upset because i brought this up immediately after him waking up and the comment (dont you owe them that much) hurt his feelings and made him feel like a bad dad. he then got upset because he's hurt we haven't been hanging out and thought it was the perfect time to bring that up when we were already arguing about one subject. I explain i dont want to talk about that right now because I see you getting escalated already and once you get too upset you explode... he explodes anyway because he felt like I was brushing him off

He starts screaming like usual, all in my face by the way.. Our daughter is on the couch watching her tablet while we argue. I jump up and yell back in his face because he's evading my personal space and I'm tired of it so i stand up for myself. (I don't yell often, i just say hurtful things back)

I see things getting more heated so i tell our daughter to go upstairs repeatedly. I tell him all the time not to argue in front of the kids because its not good and it will traumatize them. In this process I'm ignoring him which tics him off more and he goes to yank the tablet from our daughter and throw it upstairs so shell go upstairs. In the process of that he hits her with the tablet and busts her lip. I rush my kids upstairs and hes following me saying he didn't mean to. I put the kids in the room and go in our room. He's rushing me and in my face bucking at me and knocking my shoulder with his. Feeling threatened i push him back then strike him twice in the face. He pins me on the bed and bends my arm backwards. I kick him off me then run in the the kids room to call the police. He then backs off realizing what he's done and tried to come in the room in a low tone asking to talk.

We explained everything to the police and i didn't press charges because i know how hard he's worked to stay out of trouble. He's never put his hands on me before. I want a divorce but he says its not going to happen again and to not leave him. I have anxiety every time he yells over these past years and i often avoid conflict because i don't want to see him blowing up. But sometimes I stop caring and say what I want and that ticks him off more. This makes me sad because i do love him but I'm not in love with him.. i was fine the rest of the day because we prayed together and i asked God to give me signs on what to do. However Im close to luteal phase so everything seems 100x harder and heavier. I don't want to make a long life decision while I'm in this headspace. Its 3 am and i can't sleep because i keep replaying what happened. I'm disgusted all over again. I feel like ill let myself and children down if i stay. I don't want to wait around for something else to happen "accidently" that could be fatal..

Hes signed up for therapy (anger management) and called a local pastor to try to get advice (hes been angry since his sister died in a car crash 5 years ago) he never healed from it. His trauma is leaking into our family and I just dont know if its worth sticking around for him to get better

He explains hes stayed with me through it all, which he has. When I was unmedicated (bipolar disorder) and cheated through text on him, when I was on lexapro and emotionally numb most of our relationship, the horrible things I use to say to him, flirting with his friends, etc. I was horrible.. but NEVER have I hurt my children out of anger or hit him! I feel like its a difference.. no?

Thanks so much for reading everything. I cant type it all. I dont want to lose anyone.

we have the rent money which is 1221$. i use flex to pay 933 on the 1st and 300 later in the month on the 15th . I had 700$ and I woke up and sent the rest to myself from his phone because I was scared he would spend it on weed or something else other than bills (I have anxiety) I knew this was wrong and I apologized for it and sent it back. he says he’d rather we pay rent on the 15th of this month instead of spending all our money and having to figure out gas and car payment money (which is way easier to figure out than 1200$ btw) but if we do that the rent would be late so the total would be 1281. i dont like that idea because I don’t know the future. what if I lose my job, what if he loses his job. I’d rather be broke and have rent paid than hold onto my money and an emergency pops up or it gets spent on non essentials and now we can’t pay rent. Hes always okay being late and doing things late and he complains i don’t let him lead but I don’t think he’s a good leader. we also ended up getting an extra 300$ so now I have enough for the 933 for flex and he still has his 300. but he STILL wants to wait until the 15th to pay it.. does that sound logical to you.. am I tripping? I want to let him lead i do but making decisions that doesn’t secure us financially ruins my trust. I also organize everything, he sends the money and I pay the bills. I organize clinics, meetings, appointments and therapy for our autistic son and also our daughter. they are 3 and 4 years old. we have also been together for 7 years and married for 3. im a hustler, a go getter.. always trying to find ways to improve and stay on top of things and ensure everyone is happy and constantly elevating. he explains he doesn’t care to “hustle” and find ways to have multiple steams on income. so basically im use to the leader position because I already organize and direct everything that he has no interest in focusing on, he randomly comes in and puts a wrench in the system I had to build by myself and when I don’t think most of his ideas are smart or logical I get “you don’t let me lead” like what? dont get me wrong Hes an amazing father and spends quality time with them and takes care of them and he’s good to me too but he also forgets everything. does everything last minute, and has no drive.

tl;dr am I wrong?

we have the rent money which is 1221$. i use flex to pay 933 on the 1st and 300 later in the month on the 15th . I had 700$ and I woke up and sent the rest to myself from his phone because I was scared he would spend it on weed or something else other than bills (I have anxiety) I knew this was wrong and I apologized for it and sent it back. he says he’d rather we pay rent on the 15th of this month instead of spending all our money and having to figure out gas and car payment money (which is way easier to figure out than 1200$ btw) but if we do that the rent would be late so the total would be 1281. i dont like that idea because I don’t know the future. what if I lose my job, what if he loses his job. I’d rather be broke and have rent paid than hold onto my money and an emergency pops up or it gets spent on non essentials and now we can’t pay rent. Hes always okay being late and doing things late and he complains i don’t let him lead but I don’t think he’s a good leader. we also ended up getting an extra 300$ so now I have enough for the 933 for flex and he still has his 300. but he STILL wants to wait until the 15th to pay it.. does that sound logical to you.. am I tripping? I want to let him lead i do but making decisions that doesn’t secure us financially ruins my trust. I also organize everything, he sends the money and I pay the bills. I organize clinics, meetings, appointments and therapy for our autistic son and also our daughter. they are 3 and 4 years old. we have also been together for 7 years and married for 3. im a hustler, a go getter.. always trying to find ways to improve and stay on top of things and ensure everyone is happy and constantly elevating. he explains he doesn’t care to “hustle” and find ways to have multiple steams on income. so basically im use to the leader position because I already organize and direct everything that he has no interest in focusing on, he randomly comes in and puts a wrench in the system I had to build by myself and when I don’t think most of his ideas are smart or logical I get “you don’t let me lead” like what? dont get me wrong Hes an amazing father and spends quality time with them and takes care of them and he’s good to me too but he also forgets everything. does everything last minute, and has no drive.