i wish i could respawn
(TWs: mentions of SA, mentions of violence, mentions of what i think is just general paranoid thoughts, mentions of an ED, mentions of religion and sexism. let me know if i need to add more. tagged nsfw just in case due to mentions of birth)
just starting this off with a mandatory 'i am not at risk of walking off the edge of a flat earth' so to speak. i just kinda feel like i don't want to be here in the way i am. i'm too scared to die to do something like that. i just wish i could respawn so, so badly. that way i'd have a 50/50 shot of coming back as a man instead of as a girl. i'm not trans. i don't want to be a trans man. i don't want all those surgeries and constant shots and blood tests. i just want a magical button to appear in front of me that lets me try again with genetics and come back as a normal, cisgender guy. it doesn't matter if i would be born in a different country, different race, different income, different intelligence, gay, straight, whatever. i wouldn't care.
cause i swear, those christians in elementary school who said that women suffer because of what eve did were right. every health concern i have is brushed off as "stress or hysteria. or you have anxiety." periods are hell on earth. when i have mine i can't stand up, i can't walk, i can't function. but that isn't good enough to stay off work or school so i have to line up my birth control so that the worst day falls on a saturday and i skip my weekly trip to the grocery store or have to get it delivered. i can't go anywhere without being scared that someone's following me. i can't go out at night. i can't go walk through the woods or the park alone. i can't trust anyone, because what if that guy i've known for months is just waiting to kill me the moment we're alone. i can't go out to drink because what if i get spiked. i know girls who've gotten spiked by NEEDLES TO THE WRIST while dancing. i can't try to get a partner because i never know what people will do when they get mad. even if they were nice, there could be an accidental baby even though i never want kids, and with the way things are going people just see me as a potential incubator and i won't be allowed to abort it, so it's safer to just be lonely. my doctor won't let me get my tubes tied or my uterus taken out because i'm a potential incubator and i "need to think about what a future boyfriend would think and what if he wants kids". they dont care that i never want them and that i genuinely hate children. kids are messy, they break everything, they're loud, they're expensive, they don't care about you saying no, they hit and bite and you can't do anything about it other than "oh no please don't hurt mommy" otherwise you're a horrible mom. birth is horrible, and the only reason you want another one is because your brain blocks out the worst of it to make you think it wasnt that bad, and yet it's all people ask of me. "when are you having kids? your grandparents will want to meet your kids you know. come on all your mom wants is to be a grandma! it's different when it's your own kids! you won't hate those ones!"
but none of that would be a problem if my stupid genetics decided to spit out a boy instead. i would feel safe. i wouldn't have to worry about babies, i wouldn't have to care. i wouldn't have to birth it. i wouldn't be expected to care for it or feed it from my own body. i wouldn't be expected to do anything with it. i could just ignore it until i want to interact with it like every other man in my family and let the mom deal with all of the bad parts. i wouldn't be expected to be up at 3am dealing with puke or diarrhoea, because that's a "mom thing", according to my family. dad can't be woken up no matter what because he has work. doesn't matter if mom does too, because she's the mom. even outside of the not having to birth or raise kids thing, if i was a guy i could do so many more things. i wouldn't be looking over my shoulder constantly. i wouldn't be constantly checking my own apartment for cameras just in case somebody put any there. my nighttime routine wouldn't involve checking every cabinet just in case someone is in one. i could wear tighter clothes without "asking for it". i could go for a late night walk or a jog in the woods. i could go wherever i want. i wouldn't have to stay inside the resort on vacations because of kidnappers or traffickers or have some weird man try to buy me from my family. i wouldn't have my grandfather threatening to marry me off and force me to have children if i turn out as anything but straight and subservient to a man. i wouldn't have to be subservient. i could care solely about making money and climbing the corporate ladder and buying whatever i want and whatever makes me happy without my family asking when i'll get a partner and quit with the "man stuff" to just stay at home and be a mom and to stop buying the "weird anime dolls" so that i can save for a child which i won't be having. i wouldn't have to care about anyone else's feelings. i wouldn't have to constantly downplay my own feelings or avoid ever saying no or ignore my feelings entirely because "grandpa will be sad if you dont give him goodbye kisses". my no would mean no and people would listen. i wouldn't be scared that a single wrong word when turning someone down could kill me. i wouldn't have to worry about not looking thin enough. i could down 4 big macs and go to the gym. i would want to be big and look strong instead of avoiding working out because "nobody likes a girl who looks like a man" to the point that i'm too weak to even open a jar. i could work out in front of other people for the first time. i could do things without girls taking pictures and putting filters on me to mock me online. i wouldn't have people asking me out as a joke or sexually assaulting me because it's "funny" and "nobody will believe this ugly bitch anyway". i could eat without my grandpa "joking" that "at least we know the pig isn't anorexic hahaha" and then not being allowed any more dinner when i insult him back because "it was just banter, your whole generation are snowflakes!". if i was a guy he wouldn't even mention eating disorders, cause every man in my family is obese and they're just told that it's a "manly appetite" to clear their plate. i could play video games without people yelling "foid" or "get me a sandwich!" just because i suck and happen to say something in voice chat. i could join discord servers to make friends without my "new friend" asking me for nudes after 2 days. i could do anything i wanted if i was just born right.
sorry for the long ramble. it's been a rough day.