u/Icy-Composer9332

not asking for full psychoanalysis or anything, just wondering if there's a common reason for it. i always want to go home. it would be just a normal "i hate people and the outside" thing if i felt that way when i'm outside doing an activity. but the kicker is that the feeling is at its worst when i am already at home, and it both happens when i'm at my own apartment and when i'm staying at my parents house, even when i used to stay at the first house i knew. when i get the feeling of "i wanna go home" i don't even know what my brain wants, i tell myself i'm already at home, but the feeling keeps getting worse every time i say that. i don't know what it wants or where it wants me to go, it never gives me even a clue of where it wants other than "home", so is there a common reason for why someone would want to go home when they're already at home? are there any solutions?

curious as i have extremely bad memory issues. normally i can't remember what i'm doing even while i'm doing something (e.g. i don't remember that i've set the timer already when i'm brushing my teeth). but some folks around me have suddenly become concerned because i have hardly any memories before the age of about 15 (19 now). i know some things that happened, but it's mostly "X person told me Y happened to me" rather than remembering from my POV.

i do have very fragmented memories of when i was young from my POV, mostly negative ones, but even though the memories are bad and i have a bad feeling about the memories and the person associated, i can't remember whether something BAD happened or whether it was just little things that made me uncomfortable. one family member asked if i wanted to get therapy to fix my memory problems, but before i make that decision i want to prepare a little, so is there a way to know if memory problems are caused by trauma or just having a naturally awful memory before starting therapy? i wouldnt need to know what the trauma was, just a way to know if some things i'd rather not remember would come to light if i did decide to go ahead with therapy.

my whole life, my grandfather has told me never to touch things because they might be worth money in the future.

when i was young, i got a pokemon anniversary plushie. he stopped me from taking it out the box to cuddle it because it's "limited edition so it'll be worth a lot of money when you're older". and since then i wasn't really allowed to play with anything without him commenting that the thing would be worth a lot of money if i didnt ruin it.

i recently got an anime figure and the first thing he said to me was "it's good you bought it now because you're young and that'll appreciate in value for you to sell when you're older". and when i said no, it was because i liked the character, he said "no, it's an investment. you should keep it in the box so it isn't damaged when you sell it."

i said that my friend was helping out on a website with testing and things so that our social group can use it to play games together and he said "oh you'd better stay friends with them, if that website takes off they'll make millions".

I feel so sorry for all the kids of pokemon card scalpers or toy scalpers because i know what it feels like. since that plushie, i've been taught to keep things pristine for the next buyer. i want to be like my friends and take pictures with a little dress-up miku i have, at different places or with fancy cakes and drinks like on instagram, but i'm too scared to take her out of the box just in case she gets damaged and she isn't 'perfect' anymore.

i try not to care about resale value, i never plan to resell, but whenever i see something even slightly wrong on something i own i spiral because now nobody will want them and they're ruined.

i don't even remember knowing how to play as a kid, especially if there was no set "game" that is suggested or encouraged by the toy. and everything i own today is put on a shelf and kept pristine for the next buyer to come along.

even with specific games with specific rules, like trading card games, it took me months to start playing games with my cards because it was "that one could cost a lot in the future, you need to keep it in a binder and never touch it", and even then i still freak out when there's a tiny bit of whitening from using a card for its intended purpose and having fun. i build miniatures too, and normally i build them and don't paint them for months because "what if i mess this up? nobody would want to buy my painting. maybe i should leave it grey so the next person can paint it. they'd do it better."

like i get it, your house skyrocketed in value so now you think that my little trinkets will do the same and i can trade a plushie for a mortgage, and that friendship should have monetary value rather than just wanting to have fun, so i need to only stay friends with what he calls "friendvestments" that'll have a lot of money someday. but all that "don't touch that. and put it in another box because it's gonna get sun damaged" resulted in my plushie now being worth forty bucks. wow. so worth all that effort and anxiousness.

and because i'm a girl, of course that feeling of everything needing to be ready for the next buyer also translates to me as a person because of the attitudes of people around me toward women. i'm too scared to get a partner because it's been drilled into me my whole life that things only have value if they're put up on a shelf, never touched, never used. so i try to stay away from relationships, because if i so much as lose that "never been kissed" attribute, nobody will want me anymore.

i'm just so sick of it. it's bad but i want everything to crash so bad that everything i own is worth pennies. i'd be broke as hell, but i wouldn't have to constantly be checking things for scratches and sun damage or panicking that my """investment""" might not be in mint condition anymore.

sorry if this isn't the right place for this, just want to get some idea of why i may feel like this. if there's a better sub for this just tell me and i'll move the post over. not looking for therapy. just a potential reason why i'm like this would be good.

i feel that there are cameras everywhere watching me, especially in my own home. i think that every mirror is one-way and has a camera behind it. i can't stay at hotels because i feel that there are different cameras watching me in hotels and that the people watching those cameras are weirder. i feel that there are people watching and judging me at all times for everything i do, so i just do nothing so they don't have anything to laugh about. i have moved out from my family's house and it is the same in both, so it doesn't matter where i live.

but it's not just cameras. i feel like i'm being watched by the dead. i have never even been to church other than for christmas shows i had to do in school, but whenever i'm doing something private or looking at something not family friendly, i have to lie on my back and have the screen pointing down at me so that god and the angels can't see what i'm doing, and with a blanket wrapped around me tightly and covering the phone camera, so the camera people can't see me and any ghosts in my room can't bend down and see what i'm looking at.

i have absolutely no energy at all, and hardly any joy from my hobbies, and when i do feel joy about something or try to do something different, i stop myself because what if there's someone watching me and they think i'm childish for playing with a dinosaur toy or badly singing or failing at doing a workout because i'm not fit. i can't even dance in my own apartment because i think there are cameras everywhere and i'll get clipped dancing and everyone watching will find my dancing dumb and laugh at me for it. even when walking down the street i feel like people are talking about me. when i tried to dress nice once last year, a man passing by asked me if i was the lady on TV and that definitely did not help at all and i stopped ever trying to dress nice or go out without some form of hoodie or jacket unless i am very close to passing out from the heat.

i get it probably sounds dumb, nobody takes me seriously at all so i don't tell anyone, and even if i do tell them, what if they were one of the people watching? they could just lie to me and they've always said that i'd look up if gullible was written on the ceiling so if i don't believe them they'll get mad at me and if i do then the camera people will laugh at me for being gullible. i keep to myself at all times. i dont keep a diary just in case the camera people watch me write it. if i have to write something personal, it has to be done in the same 'lying on my back, book facing down at me' way. that's how i'm writing this post, actually. i've checked for cameras frequently and have never found any, and whenever i go into the bathroom i check the mirrors about 3 times and whenever i check, they're normal, but i always have to recheck to make sure.

i'm fine when i'm out in public when it comes to the cameras (not the people, i still think people whisper about me), because you expect there to be security cameras outside and i never use public bathrooms or semi-public bathrooms like the ones in restaurants you have to buy a meal to use, and you expect to be seen in public so it doesn't matter all that much because you automatically try to act like a normal person when outside. if i only felt the cameras outside, it would be fine and normal. but it bothers me because it's in my house. and that's a private place where i shouldn't be watched, and apparently nobody else is worried about the camera people so i guess it might not be normal. i should be able to do whatever i want in my house, but if i even sit in a weird position i have to adjust myself for the camera people so they don't laugh at me or think i'm weird.

so yeah. if anyone has an idea of why i'm like this, that would be really appreciated. thank you.

TW/reason for nsfw tag: suicide mentions, but not at risk

this post is requesting advice, but is also quite venty. i apologize for that.

since i was 10, i've had fatigue no matter how much i sleep, trouble sleeping at night, sleep that is never satisfying, tired all day, trouble focusing, no memory, hardly any joy other than the little blip of 'i just bought something i like. this will make me happy' before it goes back to nothingness. my hobbies feel like a chore, hardly anything makes me happy, and nothing can keep me happy for very long. games just feel like a way to pass time, even the ones that i recognize as my favorite ones just make me feel less empty rather than actually happy. i've just felt completely numb for the past 10 years or so. thought of ending it a few times but i'm too much of a pussy. never feel pretty when i try, so i never bother and walk around as if i just rolled out of bed.

i'm like 80% sure it's depression, and even if not, the symptoms are similar, so i thought maybe some people here could help me.

i want to make myself better. i will try anything. but i need ways to make me better which nobody around me will notice. i've tried going for walks, but i was stopped because my family forced my sibling to come, then stopped me from going because the sibling used the walks as argument time. i tried exercising, and my family said it was weird and to stop jumping or stomping because i sounded like an elephant. if i eat different they comment, asking if i was replaced by someone else or if i'm sick. they say that i'm always lazy and can't be bothered to do anything, so if i'm awake early (10 am or earlier) or i'm dressed without them asking, they question me about what i'm doing. if i want to do something i'm usually told it's childish and to grow up (i like dinosaurs a lot. they're one of the few things that make me actually feel happy when i see them (not for long, when i look away the happiness goes too, but it's something). my family does not like them. to them, it's both a thing for little kids and a thing for boys only. we go to a museum maybe once a year, if i beg)

i get it sounds stupid to not want my family to see me get better. but here's the reason why: my family has always said that if i ever think that i'm depressed, they'll make me prove it by making me kill myself in front of everyone. so i can't let anyone find out, and i can't see a doctor because any meds or correspondence will be sent to my parents house.

i need help.

like are there really types of people out there for any type of traits? or is everyone attracted to the same traits?

if you went picking out every person on the planet one by one, will there be at least one person for each one picked up that says "yes i like that one, i want to spend my life with that one"?

not asking for therapy, just wanna know how common it is, because my emotions/reactions are backwards.

I know that sounds dumb, so i'll give some more info/examples:

if something bad happens, i usually just laugh. I've also been told by some very angry people to stop smirking and smiling whenever i get yelled at or insulted, especially by customers at work or my parents when i was young. whenever someone insults me or yells, i'm normally completely fine and content with it, or i'm happy to argue.

the weirdest part is that my GOOD emotions are backwards too, and i can't really attribute that to just being tough. when i really like something, i get angry and want to hurt it (NEVER act on it though, i recognize that that's wrong and it won't like me anymore, but the moment i like something too much my brain demands that i hit it or squeeze too hard or insult it) but with objects that are meant to be used or broken, i can never do it, i always go out of my way to keep objects pristine. and while i can usually take insults and smile at them, the only thing in the past couple years that has made me burst into tears out of nowhere (the you can hardly breathe sort of crying) is someone who i barely even knew genuinely asking if i was alright (it wasn't the greeting "how are you", it was in the middle of a conversation) and after that, i started to hate that person and both wanted to fight them and never see them again. when watching movies, i sometimes get upset when it's meant to be a happy ending (one i remember clearly was Goldi in Puss in Boots the last wish, her ending made me cry in the theater while my friends looked at me like i was a weirdo), but i'm fine if a main character just dies (watching Titanic it was reversed, with my sobbing friends looking at the indifferent me, still as if i was the weirdo).

i get this sounds like i'm just being some "I'm so super EDGY and DIFFERENT and it's not a phase and nobody understands me!" person but this does genuinely impact me and my ability to connect with other people, especially in negative situations. it can be very stressful to deal with, and i can never tell anyone because they'll think i'm going to hurt them.

so, how common is it for people to have their emotions in backwards?

i was told all my life if i got good grades and went to college i'd be successful and have a job and lots of friends and i'd have fun. now im 19 with no hope of a job, no friends, and no feeling of happiness.

nothing's made me actually happy for more than two minutes in years. i buy something thinking it'll make me happy then the happiness fades by the time i get home and i want to just lie in bed all day. other things that would make me happy just takes away the guilt and shame of existing for a while, but leaves me completely neutral to existence rather than actually happy. i put off things that i like because they dont make me happy. im scared of the future, i dont want to see what i end up as. i've had so many rejections for internships it's starting to wear me down. every day i wake up to three more 'unfortunately, we've decided to move forward with more qualified candidates'. even normal entry level jobs don't think i'm good enough. i've been rejected from being store assistants, team members at takeouts and fast food places, cashiers. i try so hard. every one of them gets a tailored resume and a custom cover letter. i can't afford to volunteer. i've been to conventions and talks and spoken to professionals in the field i want to work in but nothing i do is good enough to get me in an interview room except for once. i interviewed for my dream job and was told my values don't align and i won't be joining the company. the only person that'll message me back is fucking copilot. ive started asking him random questions just so i feel something will talk to me. i can't go to a therapist because then i'll have even less of a chance of getting a job. i have no social skills cause i was bullied all my life and always think people are trying to insult me. i don't feel pretty and i never will. i don't have nice proportions that can make me look nice in anything that i wear, my face is the wrong shape, my features make me always look upset to the point that money collectors and beggars on the street come over to ask if im ok and what happened to upset me. my father and sibling made fun of me all my childhood for being overweight, they were the clear favorite. presents on my birthday, picking my birthday cake flavor because they liked it, getting to use the game console that was my christmas present all day while i only got 30 minutes. now that im smaller than that sibling, the sibling and my mother make fun of me for being flat and "omgggg she's sooooooo autistic", and giggling that i'm "probably a [t-slur]". they've turned into gossipy mean girls. they mock me for staying away, and mock me when i try to interact with them because i'm 'weird'. my grandma cares, she's the only one that would, i think. she's nice to me and makes sure i'm alright, she tries to learn about my hobbies without just saving the information to mock me with. her husband is awful, worse mocking than from my siblings, the moment we're alone asking when i'll get a boyfriend and have kids, saving the info i tell my grandma just to make fun of me in front of the rest of the family. whenever i don't want to talk to them because he's there, my family drags it over me that they'll be dead soon and i'll regret not seeing them. the moment my grandma goes, i will be gone too. it'll probably take a few weeks for them to find out. it's not like anybody will care. they'll be preparing for her funeral. they'll think i've just pulled away to be a baby or something. they won't know til the cops show up to tell them.

(TWs: mentions of SA, mentions of violence, mentions of what i think is just general paranoid thoughts, mentions of an ED, mentions of religion and sexism. let me know if i need to add more. tagged nsfw just in case due to mentions of birth)

just starting this off with a mandatory 'i am not at risk of walking off the edge of a flat earth' so to speak. i just kinda feel like i don't want to be here in the way i am. i'm too scared to die to do something like that. i just wish i could respawn so, so badly. that way i'd have a 50/50 shot of coming back as a man instead of as a girl. i'm not trans. i don't want to be a trans man. i don't want all those surgeries and constant shots and blood tests. i just want a magical button to appear in front of me that lets me try again with genetics and come back as a normal, cisgender guy. it doesn't matter if i would be born in a different country, different race, different income, different intelligence, gay, straight, whatever. i wouldn't care.

cause i swear, those christians in elementary school who said that women suffer because of what eve did were right. every health concern i have is brushed off as "stress or hysteria. or you have anxiety." periods are hell on earth. when i have mine i can't stand up, i can't walk, i can't function. but that isn't good enough to stay off work or school so i have to line up my birth control so that the worst day falls on a saturday and i skip my weekly trip to the grocery store or have to get it delivered. i can't go anywhere without being scared that someone's following me. i can't go out at night. i can't go walk through the woods or the park alone. i can't trust anyone, because what if that guy i've known for months is just waiting to kill me the moment we're alone. i can't go out to drink because what if i get spiked. i know girls who've gotten spiked by NEEDLES TO THE WRIST while dancing. i can't try to get a partner because i never know what people will do when they get mad. even if they were nice, there could be an accidental baby even though i never want kids, and with the way things are going people just see me as a potential incubator and i won't be allowed to abort it, so it's safer to just be lonely. my doctor won't let me get my tubes tied or my uterus taken out because i'm a potential incubator and i "need to think about what a future boyfriend would think and what if he wants kids". they dont care that i never want them and that i genuinely hate children. kids are messy, they break everything, they're loud, they're expensive, they don't care about you saying no, they hit and bite and you can't do anything about it other than "oh no please don't hurt mommy" otherwise you're a horrible mom. birth is horrible, and the only reason you want another one is because your brain blocks out the worst of it to make you think it wasnt that bad, and yet it's all people ask of me. "when are you having kids? your grandparents will want to meet your kids you know. come on all your mom wants is to be a grandma! it's different when it's your own kids! you won't hate those ones!"

but none of that would be a problem if my stupid genetics decided to spit out a boy instead. i would feel safe. i wouldn't have to worry about babies, i wouldn't have to care. i wouldn't have to birth it. i wouldn't be expected to care for it or feed it from my own body. i wouldn't be expected to do anything with it. i could just ignore it until i want to interact with it like every other man in my family and let the mom deal with all of the bad parts. i wouldn't be expected to be up at 3am dealing with puke or diarrhoea, because that's a "mom thing", according to my family. dad can't be woken up no matter what because he has work. doesn't matter if mom does too, because she's the mom. even outside of the not having to birth or raise kids thing, if i was a guy i could do so many more things. i wouldn't be looking over my shoulder constantly. i wouldn't be constantly checking my own apartment for cameras just in case somebody put any there. my nighttime routine wouldn't involve checking every cabinet just in case someone is in one. i could wear tighter clothes without "asking for it". i could go for a late night walk or a jog in the woods. i could go wherever i want. i wouldn't have to stay inside the resort on vacations because of kidnappers or traffickers or have some weird man try to buy me from my family. i wouldn't have my grandfather threatening to marry me off and force me to have children if i turn out as anything but straight and subservient to a man. i wouldn't have to be subservient. i could care solely about making money and climbing the corporate ladder and buying whatever i want and whatever makes me happy without my family asking when i'll get a partner and quit with the "man stuff" to just stay at home and be a mom and to stop buying the "weird anime dolls" so that i can save for a child which i won't be having. i wouldn't have to care about anyone else's feelings. i wouldn't have to constantly downplay my own feelings or avoid ever saying no or ignore my feelings entirely because "grandpa will be sad if you dont give him goodbye kisses". my no would mean no and people would listen. i wouldn't be scared that a single wrong word when turning someone down could kill me. i wouldn't have to worry about not looking thin enough. i could down 4 big macs and go to the gym. i would want to be big and look strong instead of avoiding working out because "nobody likes a girl who looks like a man" to the point that i'm too weak to even open a jar. i could work out in front of other people for the first time. i could do things without girls taking pictures and putting filters on me to mock me online. i wouldn't have people asking me out as a joke or sexually assaulting me because it's "funny" and "nobody will believe this ugly bitch anyway". i could eat without my grandpa "joking" that "at least we know the pig isn't anorexic hahaha" and then not being allowed any more dinner when i insult him back because "it was just banter, your whole generation are snowflakes!". if i was a guy he wouldn't even mention eating disorders, cause every man in my family is obese and they're just told that it's a "manly appetite" to clear their plate. i could play video games without people yelling "foid" or "get me a sandwich!" just because i suck and happen to say something in voice chat. i could join discord servers to make friends without my "new friend" asking me for nudes after 2 days. i could do anything i wanted if i was just born right.

sorry for the long ramble. it's been a rough day.