u/Ill-Hedgehog7642

And does anyone know why does that happen? Is it a part of life? What lesson can u even make of such situation?

Saraha what makes it worse howa dqiqa li kayji xi wahed mn s7abek yetleb menek lmosa3ada fchi blan you do everything in ur power to lift up their burden even just a little, ms suddenly when u also need help ta hee chwiya mn dik effort makatjikche hhhhhhh like ta chi wahed makador lih fbalo to atleast make their presence known that way u wont feel as lonely as u are now, its weird tbh ana deja i got over the shock ou the feeling of betrayal so it isnt really a sensitive topic for me but now im just confused at how inconsiderate some people can be

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I dont know what im about to write rn

All i know is that ill probably kill myself soon, maybe i just wanna vent my frustration somewhere to feel a tiny bit better or this could be the last time ill ever post on reddit as a whole.
I have been a victim of none sexual abuse by my cousins and the son of my moms old friend, other than that i was horrifically abused by my older brother and my mom and my dad wasnt present in my life since he was a cop.

I still remember that night where my mom told 5 year old me that i should understand why my brother is abusing me and it is because of how my father is favouring me more now and my brother is just jealous.

The special treatment was just me getting actively neglected by everyone but since my brother is the scapegoat in this dynamic it was obvious that he would resent me thanks to my n-father.

Im 20F and i was diagnosed w c-ptsd when i was 14 and a phobia from school because of how bad i was getting bullied in 6th grade by both the teachers and the students.

It went on and on until i dropped out of school when i was 17, thing is i think i was too dissociated because i cant really come up w a way to explain what happened to me at the time but all i was dealing with was not being able to study and function like any other person in my old classes and ill forever wonder why other people can do it and why i cant :(

Anyways i obviously regretted dropping out alot and i used to sob and beg and plead to whoever is listening to give me one more chance, and now im 20 and i can finally be able to have an equivalent of a highschool diploma shit went south real bad

last summer i had one plan in my head, “look for a job and study for my exams” but ofcourseeee life will NOT let me have it my way for once, my n-parents forced me into this nursing program as if i didnt make it clear that i cant handle gorey shit and the experience was hell on earth, i had to do exams every week go to internships and apparently i was also supposed to be able to prepare for my big exam too

in the end i paid the price and i had to deal w the worst cptsd flare up ever for 3 whole months i had panic attacks 24/7 nonstop and they were absolutely extremely intense that i was SO scared of coming back home and im also chronically ill so i have to visit the hospital for other reasons every month.

Unfortunately i hit the wall and the results of the flare up is this absolutely horrible stage of burn out where i see nothing is for me anymore, i tried all kind of coping mechanisms good or bad.
I tried smoking, I tried eating healthy, I tried taking expensive fucking supplements, I tried to keep myself outside to be away from my family but to no avail.

Now i have less than 3 days left for these big exams (9 subjects and around 200+lessons total) i havent made a single progress because i get sick either physically and mentally ALL THE FUCKING TIMEEEEEE and i honestly im barely holding on the rope of hope and ambition that my life can get better.

Atp i have completely accepted that theres no point in trying, and my biggest crime was actually finding hope and wanting something good for myself at 18.

All i needed was the freedom of making a mistake and all i needed was one adult that wasnt a bitter piece of shit to guide me and tell me that yes something is wrong w me but theres a solution for it and to warn me abt things and guide me through situations plus teach me new things, i believe if i had just one adult like this in my life i wouldnt be where im in rn, but thats life i guess and i guess some souls are just meant to suffer and go.

I still believe that what happened to me is unfair, i have literally never did anything bad to anyone infact i have always went above and beyond to help people get back up on their feet and tried my best to always lift up their burdens even just a little so i dont really know why does it have to be me? Why do i have to pay the consequences of my abusers actions? Am i not the victim here ? They get to live, have money on their accounts, study whatever they want and selfishly sabotage my future for their own comfort and pleasure, i fucking hate their guts from the bottom of my goddamned heart

I wont lie to anyone reading this right now, i genuinely dont want to die and i know that the truth is if i wanna recover from this horrible burn out i need rest, but i cannot recover around these monsters, i cant even be around them anymore and i cant live w them another year i genuinely cant handle them and their controlling ass behaviour, they literally accused me of being a s\*x worker last summer when i tried to go to a cafe to study, i dont know who am i supposed to beg now or what to do to save myself i really dont but please i dont want to die and i dont want to fail again, im so drained i can barely breathe properly anymore help me…

So i think the best way for me to describe my question is by talking about some of my experiences.

Im 20f and a while back i wanted to go study at a cafe but my parents reacted in a much more different way then i expected them to, I basically was attacked by a bunch of insane and absurd accusations like i must be hanging with the wrong crowd, im a slut, i send money to old men and that i must be dealing with men taking advantage of me (mind u im a lesbian and i dont have any friends in the city i live in and if you see me in person you’d never think of me as someone who’s boy crazy…)

They were just a bunch of accusations that attack my bodily autonomy and these came from both my n-father and my mother but mostly my father, also when i was 12 they used to always check my phone because they were convinced that im sending naked pictures to men.

Why do n-parents seem to love to throw ridiculous and shitty accusations and excuse me for cussing but i have been trying to understand the psychology behind this for a while now.