u/Illustrious-Mess-782

I think most people would. But I know he would. I don't feel like I am what they want at all. Not with everything thats happening right now. I feel like I am causing nothing but problems. With him. With my kids. With everyone. It feels like I still have to fight with everyone to be heard. And when I am the one hurt and try to explain why its like everyone constantly just tries to deflect it in some way. I feel like I am just one big cosmic joke. Nothing ever seems to work out and really I am just so tired of it all. I'm nothing but a problem.

Today has been terrible. That is all.

I want to go home. But no where has felt like home for a very long time. Sometimes I sit on my balcony and stare at my plants. Occasionally talk to the squirrels or the paper wasps. I have never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I was always treated as a burden, like I was just in the way. I was forgotten by one family member. Quite literally forgot I existed even though I spent a lot of summers at her place as a kid. She doesnt have dementia or any memory disorders, so that hurt worse. I stopped trying to reach out to family members after a while. I figured if I was so forgettable, no one would miss my absence. They didn't. No one has reached out to me, except my father, in years. I look at my kids and it hurts that they don't have cousins or family that care. It makes me sad because the only cousin who actually tried is no longer married into my family. Everyone else doesn't even interact with any of my posts. I never understood what was so wrong with me that I was ostracized in such a way. I could be wild at times as a kid, but I didn't think people would hate me for it.

I look at my boyfriend sometimes and am overwhelmed with fear that he will eventually hate me too. We had a huge fight recently that almost ended our relationship. We're working it out, but I am still just a number in his phone. We still haven't fixed any of the social media. Granted none of this is actually important and its only been a few days since we have reconciled, but it triggers that fear in the back of my mind. I know he just hasnt gotten to it. And I try to combat the negative thoughts and just push them away. But its hard at times, especially since I just increased the dosage of my antidepressant. Today I even cried silently after I pulled him into a hug. He noticed. He asked what was wrong, but I didn't want to explain everything in my head right now. So I just said I felt bad. I didn't feel like explaining that I feel unimportant and forgotten. Alone and isolated. Like I mean nothing to aju9je and I am just taking up space in this world better used for someone better than me.

I really do just feel like everyone is better off without me. Or that I am just a background figure that keeps everyones lives running but mean nothing more than that. I just want to go home. To a place that never existed, but I always wished would.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for coming to my little rant. I had to get it out somewhere.

I just think I finally found it. Ive been fighting for so long and I am so tired.

I don't want to die. But I just don't want to be here. I'm tired Gandalf.

I wish we had never met. Not because I dont love you. But because I truly do. I want nothing more than for you to be the happiest you can be. I want you to be able to do the things that you enjoy. I want you to feel satisfied. I want you to feel safe. I want you to feel loved. I want you to be happy. And I know I'm none of those things for you. I try. I try really hard. I buy you the things I think will make you happy. I compromised on something I didnt think I could. But I'm not good enough. And I know it. I see it. I feel it. Its different. Within the last couple of weeks its different. And its getting worse. Im sorry for whatever happened. Whatever made you become complacent. Whatever made you settle. Im sorry. It always changes. Its never the same as how it starts. And now its changing with you. And im lost. I dont feel wanted or admired. I feel loved. But not attracted to. Complacency. And I hate it.

You wouldnt believe that just two weeks ago that I was on cloud nine, talking about how good life was. I really need to stop doing that because guaranteed as soon as I do, the rug is ripped right out from under me.

I had finally done it. Landed a good paying job. And now I'm at risk of losing it because they may lay off my shift. Im hoping I can slide into a different open position. But still theres a risk I may lose this job.

Relationship problems are also on the list. I have an amazing boyfriend. I do. He's so wonderful. But the last couple of weeks he has struggled to finish when we're intimate. And I cant help feeling like its my fault. For background, hes struggled before, and is on a medication thats notorious for delaying or completely hindering him being able to finish. But I dont feel like its the only reason. I feel like something about me or what im doing is making it worse. He gets close, but then just cant get there. And every time it happens I just feel worse and worse. And i know he can tell somethibg is up with me. It didnt feel like it was this difficult a month ago.

Its like all the problems hit at once and I don't know if I'm capable of shouldering all of it.