u/ImVyk

What I mean by that is like "what movies/books/shows and another stuff that kind of gets you in the vibe for making goth music". I'm asking this question because I like the sound of goth music but when trying to create something I don't feel like I'm in the vibe, even if I can easily come up with a really eerie, melancholic and scary sound.

This is mainly bc the early goths had access to horror movies and stuff and this was mostly blocked from me as I grew up, now that I'm an adult I don't know where to start lol. And I know that having this cultural baggage might not be necessary, bc goth is the music, but it would be interesting yk.(I also need to consume more culture bc the way my parents blocked many stuff from me made me an NPC)

So if you guys could give me any recommendations for any type of content that give you guys this vibe (specially movies) I would really appreciate that.

Tbm queria perguntar sobre o gênero musical de bandas como Molchat Doma, tipo, eu sei que eles são post-punk mas pra mim eles soam muito mais como um darkwave ou um coldwave da vida.

Aliás acho que algumas bandas que se intitulam como post-punk hj em dia, seja gótico ou não, acabam soando bem mais darkwave do que as músicas do início do movimento, como as das bandas citadas acima.

Enfim, to curiosa pra saber o pq o som gótico mudou tanto ksksks

(Aliás eu sou só uma baby bat iniciante ainda tá ksksk, ent se falei besteira me dsclp)

I don't know if I am wrong, but I have the impression that maybe modern post-punk is a completely different thing from what it was at the start, I mean, every music genre changes, but this one seems completely different I think.

It's like modern post-punk is more similar to darkwave and coldwave, also it sounds so clean and melancholic, meanwhile the initial post-punk was more political, raw and also emotional but it had a little more weight I guess.

When I listen to bands like Killing Joke, Bauhaus and The Birthday Party and compare their sound with modern bands like Molchat Doma and Soviet Soviet I get surprised about how different it is, I'm curious to know what happened.

(I started hearing post-punk very recently btw, so if I say something dumb, that's why lol)

Recently I have traveled with my family to my auntie's house and I stayed there for about two weeks, during that period I didn't have to worry that much about schedules, social interactions with strangers and procrastination. Bc of that I started to wonder "am I actually neurodivergent as me and some other ppl were thinking or are we making things up???". However, whenever I am back to my routine and obligations I start to fail, I can't follow my schedule quite well, I procrastinate too much, I suffer just to go to the bakery bc suddently asking for bread seems too hard and at the end of the day I'm like "ok, maybe I'm not that standard neurotypical actually..."

I'm still seeking for a diagnostic process, but I'm curious to know your thoughts on it, but I know impostor syndrome could hit the diagnosed ones too

Recently I have traveled with my family to my auntie's house and I stayed there for about two weeks, during that period I didn't have to worry that much about schedules, social interactions with strangers and procrastination. Bc of that I started to wonder "am I actually neurodivergent as me and some other ppl were thinking or are we making things up???". However, whenever I am back to my routine and obligations I start to fail, I can't follow my schedule quite well, I procrastinate too much, I suffer just to go to the bakery bc suddently asking for bread seems too hard and at the end of the day I'm like "ok, maybe I'm not that standard neurotypical actually..."

I'm still seeking for a diagnostic process, but I'm curious to know your thoughts on it, but I know impostor syndrome could hit the diagnosed ones too

I heard In the Flat Field from Bauhaus recently and I fell in love with the heavy guitars, crazy guitars and crazy vocals that were jn songs like Stygmata Martyr, Double Dare and Nerves. Do you guys know more songs that are similar to those, with heavy low string guitar riffs, drums that sounds like you're in a ritual and very noisy guitar sections that are played in higher notes???

Gnt, esses dias eu tava explorando o álbum in the flat field do Bauhaus e eu acabei me deparando com as músicas Double Dare, Stigmata Martyr e Nerves e eu ADOREI essas músicas, as guitarras pesadas misturadas com ritmos não muito convencionais e aqueles vocais... tudo isso me encantou muito. Eu queria saber se tem mais músicas góticas assim que talvez vcs conheçam, com riffs mais pesados nas cordas graves, bateria que usa muito dos tons e uma atmosfera mais pesada junto com guitarras nas regiões mais agudas e riffs esquisitamente barulhentos.

I mean, any band that makes songs like:

☆ Black Sand - Fearing

☆ Noite Eterna - Jovens Ateus

☆ My Twisted World - Made of Pain

☆ Sacrifice - London After Midnight

☆ Kiss me until my lips fall off - Lebanon Hanover

Basically, very emotional, noisy, energetic, dancing and maybe a little lofi and very underground. Something VERY dark and melancholic.

(I still didn't go through diagnostic process yet)

When I was a kid in school, I had the help from my parents to do the school stuff, but as soon as I grew older, between 9-11 years old, I started to do things alone and I messed up... it got to a point where I was actually the ONLY kid in the classroom, I'm not kidding, it was so messed up that the teachers were always impressed. "Everyone was able to do it, why you couldn't?" Was a sentence I heard many times in my life, but no one thought it could be a neurodevelopmental disorder(as I think) bc I was a nerd/intelligent, so ppl often told me I just had to try harder and that it was easy, but it never felt that way.

I've been making some research about the subject bc I talked with one of my autistic friends about some quirky behaviors I have and she said like "hmmm... you look autistic", I talked about it with another autistic friend I have and she said her Autistic radar was alarmed when she met me (I also never talked about it with my parents, but they always called me Nerd, Sheldon or Computer). About ADHD, I had the feeling I had it when I first heard about it in 2020, but bc on the following years it was do banalized, I thought I was just tripping... at least untill 6 years pass and I noticed my executive function was still VERY broken and I was feeling like an malfunctioning alien. However, I feel like there are some stuff that don't fit, or maybe they do, or maybe I am neurotypical:

1. Eye contact: I feel like I always had something about eye contact, but I don't know if it's as bad as it should be in case I was autistic. I mean, when someone is talking directly to me, I might struggle and force myself to keep eye contact and I'd also focus a lot on making me look like I'm paying attention rather than actually paying attention... something that makes me lose some information sometimes. However, most of the times I feel like I can make eye contact, or at least have their eyes on my field of view. Does anybody feel like there are 2 types of eye contact, one that feels fake, where you're not actually looking straight into the person's eyes(but you're still looking at it somehow) and another that feels extremely uncomfortable, as if you were looking inside someone's soul and it feels invasive(unless if it is with someone VERY special, when it's with someone VERY special you don't wanna stop looking cuz it feels magic).

2. Exhaustion after social events: Of course I get tired after some social events, but for example, yesterday I hanged out with one friend after I was in another very short social situation. We ended up walking for hours and talking about the most random things (not non-stop bc I'm not so good at interacting with her yet). And if I was autistic, I guess I would have to rest A LOT after that, but even being tired, when I came home, I was still able to force myself to be in a call with another friend, and we talked from 00:36am to 1:16am (after that I slept from like 2:30 to 9:30 am and I stayed on the bed for one hour bc I always do that + I was feeling a disturbing anxiety about a test I'm gonna do but I didn't manage to get time to study for it bc of my abnormal executive dysfunction and ppl pleasing habits). Even at more chaotic social situations that O enjoyed, I did not feel as tired as I was supposed to be.

3. Sensory sensitivities: My parents always called me sensitive and even one of my autistic friends says I'm very sensitive, but I don't think that it's true. I mean, I do desperately close my ears when someone slams the car's door bc I feel like it shakes my eardrums, I seem to be the only one at the Mega Church I'm forced to go to complain about how the lights seem to smash the light receptors at my eyes (I also feel the same with cloudy days and even cellphones with the brightness level really low if I'm in a dark enviroment), and sometimes, at very noise streets I might get very emotionally unstable and uncomfortable specially if I'm overwhelmed. Oh and I hate heat, so I often avoid sunlight. But for some reason, most of the times it does not trigger meltdowns on me I guess(I have a theory that maybe I internalize meltdowns too deep), also my meltdowns are pretty rare and mostly emotional, I guess I only cried bc of loud noises when I was a child, but nowdays I barely cry for anything LOL(it does not mean I don't feel, it means that the tears don't fall). But beyond that I don't have any other sensory issues, maybe when I'm overwhelmed I get desperate to change clothes bc they feel horrible, but for example, I have no trouble with food, I eat pretty much everything.

4. Absence of mental health issues and Shutdowns/Meltdowns: I don't know how true this is, but it seems like most autistic ppl often come with certain mental health issues like Depressions, Anxiety Disorders and many others like that. I think that maybe during the pandemic I had some sort of depression, I was also around my 13s, and it was heavy... sometimes even if I feel pretty ok everyday, once a real problem happens, like a failure in a social situation or a huge problem caused by my malfunction, I feel the desire to not exist, but I shut it down and keep going as if nothing happened. I also don't feel bad in 75% of my days, I'm not happy all the time, but I feel like whenever I feel bad I allow me to feel it for a brief moment and than I kill it somehow, as if it was never there (it doesn't mean it's gone, it means I'll not think about it in a long time). Also my meltdowns are pretty rare and often short, the most aggressive moment could last around 10 seconds to 15 minutes and the post effects like sadness, more difficulties in social interaction could last from 2,5 hours to 1 whole day I guess (it's also important to point out that I thought I never had meltdowns when I started my research about autism, but one day I had one and I started looking back to the past and I noticed that I had many meltdowns). I also feel like I internalize most of the suffering related to sensory issues, something that gets me sad for hours and makes me stim a lot and maybe triggers a very emotional meltdown, but I never had shutdowns, all I had was like "(ok I feel like my body is a shell and I'm here sad and wasted inside of it) *mom: son, do you wanna eat something *me: sure (I made an effort to say this and maybe I delayed my answer)". Also, if something bothers me when I am quiet like this, I might respond to it, even if using extremely short sentences and often very quiet or yelled. I don't know if this are still shutdowns or meltdowns, I think it should last days, be very frequent and completely unable me to do any interaction right???

But on the other hand, there are some traits that might point towards autism, like:

1. Stimming a lot everyday, things that go from leg shaking to specific repetitive behaviours(pretend I'm guitar on the air, rocking, flapping hands(this one is rare but it happens), pacing, walking in circles), I also tend to see patterns that don't actually exist on the floor and put real effort on following them, what could make it really annoying to just walk around home sometimes LOL.

2. I get very upset when ppl break my plans, I often need routine and sameness, but bc of my family's behavior of "doing things when needed" I often get it broken by them and I get really upset. But I often break my routines too, I usually don't get upset bc I'm still planning and managing, but sometimes I get upset with myself bc I shattered my plans LOL. I also get a lot of anxiety when I need to go to the bakery or to the groceries bc my parents just say "go!!!" and I did not get ready for this. Once when I was home alone, I took the WHOLE DAY just to buy a pepsi at the super market just bc I wanted to feel ready. Another thing that happens to me is that if I am in a new environment and I am overwhelmed, it could look like my brain is unable to understand the place at once, rasing my anxiety and giving me headache. Doing important things is really hard sometime bc of this, I need a lot of information and plan my sentences and get past my anxiety to do things but no one seems to comprehend it or respect it.

3. I bet most of you guys have always been "that weird kid..." and oh I was... Looking back to my memories, currently I notice that some kids were making fun of me bc of my extreme obsession with Dinosaurs, and I didn't notice. There is also a memory of me not noticing that I was making one of my peers uncomfortable by suddenly infodumping him about BTS. I was also born as a boy, so ppl often bullied me for me being a f*ggot. Moreover, on every school I stepped in, ppl would always say a lot of bad things about me without my knowledge, they would be saying I was a "freak/quirky/dumb/stupid person" even if I was supper quiet and didn't talk with this ppl at all. I also remember of the teachers always rasing their expectations on me and then getting surprised bc I was "the only one in the classroom(or in the school) who didn't do the shit I should do", and this happened thousands of times LOL.

4. I have theory that maybe I am sensory seeking, bc even if some very specific stuff annoys me, I like feeling different sensations and it's magical sometimes when I touch something that feels different and hear a interesting noise. Also, when I hear some noises that feel like some entity started crawling on my spine and under my skin I feel like I need some specific noise to sort of regulate me, and I keep doing this noise until I feel like I'm back on the track.

5. I don't think it's an autistic trait but maybe it's worth saying it. I often miss jokes and subjects of conversations bc I don't really know what anyone is talking about, like, when I was a kid I didn't quite know anything about the TV shows everyone was watching, I often don't understand slangs, people will talk to me about things that happen to very famous ppl that everyone knows and I'd be like "who is it". Bc of that I need to pretend I am understanding what ppl are talking about EVERY FUCKING TIME and it's so embarrassing... it's like I live in my own world and everyone else is in a completely different planet

6. If you think my thing with eye contact or sensory stuff are valid as possible autistic traits.

when I use the command "--newdisplay=2340x1080/160" it opens a second display in a desktop mode, however the multi window doesn't work and the apps don't go to their desktop version, I'm using a Galaxy A36 btw

Does anyone know if there's a way to fix it???