u/Immediate_Tip_9327

A few months ago my (ex) best friend (f22) told me about her sisters friend (f16) and how she is really cute and she kind of has a crush on her. I was very taken aback and told her to not pursue her feelings as it’s literally grooming. I thought that was it but a little while later she awkwardly told me they were a couple now. I told her this is not okay and went off on how morally wrong this is. I told her to remember when we were 16 years old and the decisions we used to make that we now disagree with. She was very defensive about this and told me that the teenager was very mature and how it’s not that big of a deal because they are girls and not a boy, which is just hypocritial. I made it very clear that I feel weird with this and do not want to seek a friendship until this is resolved (if it can). We are part of a 5 people friend group and I made it very known that this is grooming that they were supporting. One friend came to me in private and told me they agree with me but don’t want to say it to not offend my (ex) best friend (she is VERY sensitive).

After this tho, I was considered the mean and unsupportive fake friend because they are a ”beautiful couple“ and she is happy.

I’m confused by my friends reactions as I thought this age gap (teenager and adult) is frowned upon, So; AITAH?

(Had to repost as it got removed my reddit for a bot check)

This is going to be a long rant, I just need to get this off my chest as I still feel guilty about this. I don’t expect anyone to read the long version but if anyone does I appreciate it. There is a lot to unpack.

TLDR: my brother is mentally ill and caused my family pain our whole life. I am the one to always console him and took over the mom role. After he tried to end himself multiple times and was kicked out, I moved countries and went no contact which I feel guilty for. When he tried to kill my stepdad my family got a no contact court order against him and it made me feel like shit for not being there.

For context, I am 22 and he is 19. With only a three year difference we were best friends growing up and did everything together. It breaks my heart to see his life go to waste like that.

I’m gonna start at the beginning. My brother has had a traumatic birth (idk if this is relevant but there has been some speculation) and his behavior has always raised concerns. He was displaying behavioral problems in kindergarten for the first time and then all throughout school. My parents took him to multiple doctors and psychologists to try to get an answer what is wrong with him. They could not give us one and mentioned how he might have a genetic mutation but no further testing has been done. At one point he was put on medication but it caused him to deteriorate mentally and physically. After that my parents kinda “gave up” trying to find an answer and tried to accept him the way he is and to support him as much as they could. In my opinion this decision backfired as our mom could not deal with him on her own. Often she would physically abuse him when he was younger and verbally when he got older (told him to jump in front of a train and die)

To his problems: He can be incredibly sweet and caring in one moment and then absolutely lose it the next. He gets aggressive, screams or gets violent (not to people) and can’t control his emotions. He can’t cope in normal school settings, is disrespectful towards teachers and students. He treats our parents horrible and is all in all not a pleasure to be around. He has adhd, suspected autism, major depression and other diagnoses I can’t recall. Our dad is in the military and therefore our mom was alone most of our childhood with us (5 kids). After they split, my dad kinda pulled back on caring for my brother as much as he should have and moved further away. On multiple occasions my mom could not take it anymore and begged my dad to take him in but he would just say it’s not possible. My mom was at her breaking point many times with my brother because of how he treated people, how he acted, and the whole town talking about him and our family definitely didn’t help.

Fast forward to the end of 2024. My brother dropped out of school as he could not do it any longer and also has been suspended many times. I think the school called multiple times a week to complain about him to the point where my mom blocked the school to not have to hear anything about it anymore (questionable but i understand to some degree). My mom’s “new” husband who is genuinely the best person ever, took over caring for my brother. He is a social worker and tried everything to get my brother into a new school program for kids like him and consulted with the school, teachers etc. He went to that school for a while but essentially dropped out again.

On new years 2024/25 my brother was pretty drunk and tried opening up to me. Now I have to say that he is not able to hold conversations like a normal person and talks in a very weird way, I can’t even really describe it. He told me after like 2 hours of back and forth and leaving the room to text me, that he feels like he does not belong in his body and does not want to live anymore. I was obviously shocked but tried to be supportive. We talked a lot after this and I reassured him I will be there for him. He asked me to tell our parents, which I did very carefully and they were supportive as well. I think at this point all of us hoped that with a transition he would finally be at peace and his mental health would improve over time.

Well this was not the case unfortunately. He ran away from home multiple times and tried to off himself. We had to file multiple missing person reports and the police did a country wide search for him. They eventually found him and brought him into a psychiatric hospital. My mom was mentally checked out at this point. In the hospital she was incredibly kind to him but you could tell she was struggling. He got out of there and started therapy once a week. The therapist seemed very concerned and talked to us about mental hospital stays. My mom was so exhausted that she set an ultimatum. Either he goes to the hospital or he has to move out because nobody could take it anymore. We also had a social support worker for cases like this who took him twice a week and went on excursions or just talked to him.

Regarding my part in all of this: I am the only one he openly talks to about his struggles, I am the one he calls when he runs away from home and I have to pick up all the pieces and drive hours to get him. After my brother said yes to in patient treatment, I called a dozen clinics to secure a bed. They were even confused why I am calling and not our mom but I explained the situation. I finally found one and drove him there three days later. The staff was incredibly nice and the place looked good. After dropping him off I visited some friends and when I got back home my mom tells me that my brother just got back home. Apparently he checked himself out (he was 18) and left. This caused a major argument and essentially my brother got kicked out. He also threatened to kill our little brother (11 at the time) who got so anxious after this that my mom decided to remove him from the home. His support worker picked him up and they went to a place for young troubled adults to stay. He is currently still there as far as I know.

I dropped out of uni during that time period and decided to go the furthest away possible, across the world. I just needed to get out for a bit and away from all the stress. Well I am still here and now on a student visa studying nursing with no plan to go back any time soon.

I know this is already super long but now we come to the worst part. A few weeks after I left I got a call from my mom who was visibly upset. My brother came to visit home at night and wanted to go in his room. Our stepdad came out and told him that he is very welcome to come back during the next day and talk. As my stepdad turned back around, my brother picked up a glass bottle and smashed it over his head. With the broken bottle neck he tried to stab my stepdad in the neck. Everyone came running out the house and was super scared. My mom called the police and ambulance as my (bleeding) stepdad secured my brother on the ground. Police came and took him in, and the ambulance took my stepdad to the hospital where he had to get stitches and undergo treatment.

Since then they have a no contact order from the court for both sides. Our (bio) dad stepped back into caring for him more now, because he feels bad my brother is all alone. I called him once on his birthday in march but the conversation went downhill and I had to set my boundaries.

I haven’t spoken to him since but I see what he posts on tiktok, which is very dark. I feel incredibly bad about leaving him all alone in this situation and I know he hates his life and the way everything turned out to be. I was always the one person he could openly talk to but my mental health just went downhill with that. So I had to get away from that environment. I am not asking for any advice as I am content with my decision to move and have no contact, however sometimes I am awake at night and can’t help but feel like I left my little brother alone. I just feel so bad for him, I know that he hates the way things are. But I also know that I can’t do anything (that I know of) to help or change anything about this situation.