u/InevitableParfait596

I just wanna be like a normal teenager and go to school everyday but it’s too complicated..I’m in 10th grade now, I almost never went to school in 9th grade after changing schools because I don’t get along with people in my class, they feel so unfamiliar (plus they speak a language im not that fluent in) and I cant just sit alone for hours a day it’s insanely overstimulating and depressing and the habit of staying in my home itself makes it too hard to go to school now..

Like what must they think of me that I almost never came to school in 9th grade? They must talk behind my back and think of me weirdly, and I don't wanna be seen that way..And I can't do the same thing in 10th grade anymore because it’s a very significant year and we have an exam at the end of the year that’s really important..

And for some reason, almost no one in class is familiar with the things I like and would like to talk about..Like I love listening to songs in English since a kid and Jojo siwa was my favourite when I was super young and now it’s The Marias. None of them would even recognise the band or anything because they listen to songs from our country which I don’t so it’s super hard to hold a conversation with anyone.

I’m tired of hearing things like “We believe in you, you have sm potential!”, forget about studying I can't even attend my classes. I dont know why I went this path that no one else chose to take, maybe I'm too stubborn or its just my bad luck. But I wish I was a normal usual teenager again and go to class like how I used to before changing school..

I hate my life so bad I just wanna kick the bucket but then I remember I still get random good days like once a week so now I'm stuck in a decision paralysis..

I had to change school a year ago and I barely get along with people in my class like I'm so fucking sick with my attendance being less than 30 days the whole year (last year) bec I just despise the people there (and bec my country is diverse with many languages, I happen to not be fluent in the language they talk in.) and sitting alone for 7 hours is so fucking overstimulating and exhausting I just wanna stay at home but at the same time i would stress about my school life again bec I wasn't always like this, I used to achieve the highest marks in exams before and was really involved with my school life because I have my best friend there who wasn't able to manage changing schools with me.

And now I'm in 10th grade and in my country it's considered one of the most significant school years where you have to give in your all for a certain exam that comes at the end of the year and i'm somehow supposed to get above 95% (not even exaggerating) while I'm struggling to even attend my classes.

If it wasn't for the school I wouldn't have gotten such intrusive thoughts of suddenly ending my life but the urge to consume all my antidepressants and other pills at once is getting stronger and stronger. I haven't really got anyone emotionally intelligent to vent to which makes this even worse like I just want my past self back.

I hate my life so bad I just wanna kick the bucket but then I remember I still get random good days like once a week so now I’m stuck in a decision paralysis..

I had to change school a year ago and I barely get along with people in my class like I’m so fucking sick with my attendance being less than 30 days the whole year (last year) bec I just despise the people there (and bec my country is diverse with many languages, I happen to not be fluent in the language they talk in.) and sitting alone for 7 hours is so fucking overstimulating and exhausting I just wanna stay at home but at the same time i would stress about my school life again bec I wasn’t always like this, I used to achieve the highest marks in exams before and was really involved with my school life because I have my best friend there who wasn’t able to manage changing schools with me.

And now I’m in 10th grade and in my country it’s considered one of the most significant school years where you have to give in your all for a certain exam that comes at the end of the year and i’m somehow supposed to get above 95% (not even exaggerating) while I’m struggling to even attend my classes.

If it wasn’t for the school I wouldn’t have gotten such intrusive thoughts of suddenly ending my life but the urge to consume all my antidepressants and other pills at once is getting stronger and stronger. I haven’t really got anyone emotionally intelligent to vent to which makes this even worse like I just want my past self back.

im sat on the floor again naming 5 things I see and pressing my palm against the cold floor to ground myself. Why does a part of me keep coming back to the feeling that the world isn’t real and a simulation or dream instead.. I’m so done with derealizing it wastes my time and doesn’t let me spend my nights productively when I have so many assignments left..

I have been on meds for BPD for over three weeks as of now and it’s really shocking to me that I can’t shed a single tear anymore at things I used to before. I also realised I’m not getting a lot of dopamine from doomscrolling anymore (which was my source of dopamine before) so both my emotional highs and emotional lows are controlled but it feels so uncomfortable ngl. I don’t know if I like this anymore but I got told to adjust and bear it because that’s how it works for a normal person..

for me it would be after hours (by The Weeknd) not the whole album but the song itself.

GENIUNELY cried to this sm times, I lost count.. I have many other songs too I play during crash outs and most of them are from the weeknd again but after hours is perfect for it🙏

I’ve been troubled with my mental health for the past few years (probably from early adolescence) and after finally being on the meds prescribed by the best psychiatrist in town, things only started getting worse. I’ve got diagnosed with BPD and have been taking my meds for 3 weeks now and the changes are finally visible. (not good btw)

But then I started experiencing the unwanted side effects from it, it did help decrease the intensity of my emotions but idk if the dose is too strong but it got decreased too much to the point I can’t feel anything anymore.

Since I have BPD it’s really shocking because i didn’t even realise other people feel things like this like wym you don’t have the need to cry or you don’t bawl your eyes out for hours every once in a while.. But it feels disturbing bec I genuinely can’t shed a single tear now AND can’t feel a drop of dopamine in my brain after doomscrolling which was how i used to get dopamine before.

Everything feels to numb and I can’t feel sad nor happy anymore but just numb and it’s getting almost irritating now that I’ve not got a single hit of dopamine in the past few days, feels like what you’d feel if you stare at a white wall 24/7.

It feels like hell.