u/InformWitch

It’s not exactly financial-related but this is a sub where I find a lot of good advice from people with similar backgrounds and/or ambitious, so hoping it’s OK to ask this!

It’s been a tough year for my partner and I. We lost our 20-year-old pet back in May and in August, we lost two family members the same week (one from my family and one from my partner’s). We are going through IUI, and so far it’s been unsuccessful (one cycle so far though).

Through it all, we have still done well at work. We have received promotions and raises this year despite only starting new jobs some 6 months ago.

Yesterday we found out that his dad’s cancer has come back and spread to different parts of his body.

I suddenly feel low energy, and I‘m not sure how to deal. To be clear my concerns aren’t financial. Treatment for my FIL will be covered, IUI/IVF is mostly covered by as well. I just have this feeling that we are carrying too much, and that we are dragged down (we are not, by any means, it’s just a sensation).

How do you deal with still working towards your goals and taking care of yourself when it feels like life is just … piling on you?

I’ve been reeling since yesterday.

For context, partner and I have been trying for almost two years. We decided to run several tests and all came back positive, as in our stuff is healthy and we are good to go but nothing was happening. Our doctor suggested we could start with IUI already and see how that works out.

We are relatively healthy. We work out, eat well, and these days we don’t really drink or if we do, we will have a drink or two if it’s a special occasion. I indulge way less than him. I’m not a smoker and my partner used to be (quit at 27, he’s now 36). We’ve been together for 8/9 years and very early in the relationship I was adamant that I would not be/live with a smoker, after some dates. He said he wouldn’t mind quitting and we went ahead with the relationship.

Throughout the years, I’ve caught him sneaking cigarettes here and there, more before when we used to go out a lot more. It’s a point of contention because I really don’t see anything positive about smoking and he sees it as me trying to be controlling. Usually we relent and move on after some bickering. 

However, he’s recently picked it up again (vaping). Back in May, I found a stick in his car and he said it was his friend’s but very quickly fessed up and said it was his. We had just lost his childhood cat so I knew it was a hard period for him and I just asked him to not make it a habit and that I understood we were both very sad and dealing with this as best we could. I also found him vaping in June during a vacation, and I got mad. Then, at the end of July, right around his birthday. I was furious by then. We were a week away from what we thought would be the insemination date (we later found out it was only the intake) and he was pulling this. I explained to him why this was important, what it meant to me that he was doing this, and how it made me feel. He understood and was apologetic. Because it was his birthday, I cooled down and tried to show him a good time. 

Now, we are actually going through the first IUI cycle. Intake is done, they’re tracking ovulation, and I find him vaping in our house for the second time (first time I also explained that it was rude to smoke in a closed space). I lost my shit. I would’ve gone ballistic but we have friends crashing with us until later today, so we have been icy with each other but civil.

I hate this. I hate the lying, the gaslighting - I had smelled it on him some weeks ago and he acted offended that I’d even suspected that. I felt bad because I felt like had to trust him. Of course I would, why would he lie to me about this?! 

I hate liars because of my family history. He knows was there when this happened and knows what it did to me. Logically, I know it’s not on the same level but feeling wise, I feel like I can’t trust him and he’s a liar. I’m sort of spiraling because I keep thinking that if he lies about this, who knows what else he can lie about. He tried to spin it on me as if I’m the one that should remain calm because of the IUI process to not create stress but he goes ahead and does this. 

He’s promised to actually stop this time but I’ve told him his words mean nothing to me and I can’t trust him on this. I have a second bloodwork and ovulation check this week and I just want to go alone but I can’t (hospital requires us both to be there at every step).

I am so frustrated because despite him being the one who really wanted to be a father and me originally being a fence-sitter, it’s been me who chose the hospital, pushed for the appointments, researched vitamins for us both …

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my unhinged, long-ass rant. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Wise women/peeps, I need your advice.

I started a new position as a Data Steward/Analyst in April. I’m pretty happy with the job itself, although the scope is much broader than originally discussed. I had planned to ask for a compensation review at the end of the year.

However, today I saw that our parent Company A is hiring for a position like mine. I am not getting replaced since I work for Company B, which handles one specific type of service of Company A. But I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I can’t see the actual compensation but in terms of perks, the position at the parent has more - these are also perks I inquired about but was told they weren’t available for my position.

My first-instinct is to rage apply but I really do like my job. I’d still would love to bring this up to my manager … but I don’t know what to ask? Do I ask him to match the perks? Do I keep my mouth shut until the end of the year and negotiate the whole thing? I don’t want to come out swinging, but I would like him to know that I do feel slightly under compensated, especially after seeing this. And that I will ask for a compensation review either soon or in the very near future.

For additional context, one person who handles Data in Company B is leaving, which means the next senior Data person is … me lol. I will act as a bridge from September until his replacement comes, so it feels like my position is strong.

Hi All,

My bf’s birthday is coming up and we always go to a Michelin restaurant to celebrate and I‘m running out of ideas - here’s the catch, I am not a fan of French food (don’t @ me lol) and it’s been hard to find fine dining restaurants in Brussels that are not a variation of French cuisine.

He’s more adventurous with food than I am but we both share a love for Japanese, Chinese, Italian, and Peruvian cuisine.

Kamo was our favorite places for a while but could use a change! Hope to hear your amazing recs, thank you!

Partner and I are considering moving to the US in two years if things have calmed down politically.

Has anyone moved back to the U.S. in their mid/late 30s? In terms of getting a job, did you have any difficulties because of being abroad? We can all agree that for the most part, moving to the US to increase earning potential makes sense, but I’m wondering if it’s worth it when you’re ‘older’.

For more context, we live in Western Europe and are 33F (U.S./EU and one random nationality) in banking/fintech (specialization in compliance/AML) and 35M (EU) IT (back-end programmer/analyst, lots of experience in ERP). We’ll be 36 and 38 when we go. MScs are the highest level of education for both of us.