u/Informal_Pop_7636

I can’t cut as deep as I used to. I don’t get angry like I used to. Now i’m just sad and fucking pathetic. Everyone’s gonna see these stupid cat scratches and know i’m too stupid and useless to commit. I hate myself and that I’m still doing this at my big fucking age

I’m going out tomorrow with one of my pretty friends. She’s my best friend but recently Ive started to grow a bit of resentment for her because being around her makes me look so much worse.
It’s to the point where we’ll get stopped in public so people can compliment her, give me a dirty look and then walk off.
I’ve been really excited and looking forward for the event we’re going to but right now all I’m feeling is dread. There’s a pit in my stomach thinking about how humiliating it’s going to feel standing next to her. The last few times I’ve hung out with friends I’ve left in tears because of how stupid I’ve felt when they all get attention and I just look like a random bystander.
I don’t want to feel this way, especially not towards her because she really is an amazing friend but I hate just being her DUFF. How do i stop being so upset over this?

During the worst of it I experienced severe vertigo, splitting headaches, jaw and tooth pa!n (from clenching jaw), GI issues, num bness throughout my body and a resting heartbeat of 130bpm. All at the same time.

I was so physically ill my doctors never once blamed my symptoms on anxiety and also fully believed there was something wrong. Over a 2 month period I had almost every single blud test the NHS has to offer and every single one was perfectly fine. E€Gs, ultrasounds, spirometry, peak flow, physicals were all FINE.

This was winter of last year and I had so many symptoms I thought I wasn’t going to make it to new years. Now here we are 8 months later and I’m perfectly fine. 😐

Absolute bullshit.

My rule of thumb now is that if being distracted makes majority of those sensations go away, it’s probably just anxiety

So I’ve been on 20mg for about 2 months now and it doesn’t feel like it’s doing much. I’ve been having really vivid nightmares and realistic dreams that I accept as memories until I realise that they never happened. I’ve also been a bit more aware on my surroundings?? Like seeing stuff out of the corner of my eye and feeling like people are staring at me. That’s happened before starting but it feels worse now.
Anyway I’m in the middle of my exams right now and I really just need to get a hold on my brain so I’ve just taken 3 x 20mg (60mg total) of my fluoxetine to see if it’ll help. I’m only realising now that might not have been the best idea..?

I’ll be fine right ??? 🫣

Spiralling extra hard today and it’s pissing me off.
Medicated and finished with treatment so I technicallyyyy know what I’m supposed to do to help myself but I dont want to because I’m fed up.

I’ve struggled with a lot of sources of anxiety in the past few years but I can’t move on from this fixation about dying being something I can’t control. People usually try to help me by saying it’s inevitable for everyone so I should stop worrying about it but something in me is convinced I can prevent it if I try hard enough.
So every day I check everything wrong with my body and keep a list. I book a million doctors appointments. I follow superstitions and listen to the warnings my dreams give me. I pray and pray and pray for health and a long, never ending life. Then when I finally feel safe, I realise my loved ones aren’t protected like I am and it starts all over again.

I know it’s ridiculous and somehow part of me thinks I’m the exception and I’ll get to live forever at the cost of my sanity and free time. It’s fucking annoying and can go suck the biggest fattest balls. FUCK THISSSS!!!!

For context I finished 12 months of DBT (which included bi weekly sessions and group therapy) back in March of this year following 2 overdoses that landed me in hospital.

I was pretty opposed to it at first because the mental health services in the UK (CAMHS 🫩) are pretty shit and I really just wanted to check out at that time but I stuck with it anyway. I ended up with the best therapist ever and made really good progress ending off in March just under 5months clean from SH and low to no suicidal ideation!!

I was really proud of the difference I had made in my life and was kinda just ready to put everything behind me and start a blank slate for myself as I had just turned 18. I guess the only problem was that I greatly overestimated how much support I had and realised I was basically living that year being shielded and protected by my support system.

Now I’m back in the real world I’m genuinely so terrified of the future. I DO NOT CURRENTLY HAVE INTENTIONS (plsss don’t ban me!!!) but i’m worried that I’m going to relapse without the support. I know DBT has a pretty high SH relapse rate within the first 6months to a year and I just really don’t wanna slip back into how I was before. What really fucked me up was that I’m on my last 7 days of medication before I need to get a refill. I had this moment of thinking “hey i’m fine now i don’t need these i’m not that bad anymore!!!” until i realised that cold turkey is the worst idea ever . I’m scared I won’t catch myself next time before I do something rash.

Anyway I guess Im just trying to see if anyone’s been through anything similar and came out the other end of it? Thanks <33