I haven’t felt true happiness in I don’t know how long. I’ve been depressed since I was probably 14 ish and I’m now in my early 20s. I don’t really know what caused it. My family has never had money problems, I was never abused, I was never bullied but still for some reason I’ve just entered this continuous depression where it’s not so much “I can’t get out of bed” but more “nothing makes me happy”. Everything is mediocre. I don’t have any hobbies. I don’t get enjoyment out of many things. I very rarely actually belly laugh or laugh in general. The only thing that I kind of enjoy is hanging out with friends and having drink/playing games but I’m in a very academically challenging uni course so majority of everyone’s time is taken up studying. But because I’m in a relatively good mood around friends no one seems to realise how bad my mental health truly is. I mean it’s probably my fault for not bringing it up but I keep having this mentality of “I’ll just wait a bit longer” “I don’t want to be a burden” “it’s so embarrassing”.
I’ve thought about killing myself probably every day since 14. Only recently I remembered that I actually fully intended on killing myself when I was 17ish. Somehow I completely blocked it out of my memory. I nearly did it but “luckily” for me I couldn’t find the pill bottle that day, even though it’s always in the same place. I didn’t write any letters or give anyone any warning. My thought process was: either I get sick enough that I die or I get sick enough that I get brought to hospital and then I won’t have to tell anyone that I’m having these thoughts-it would be evident from the fact that I tried to kill myself.
A few months ago it got bad enough that I went to a doctor and I got sertraline but i hated it. It made me feel so out of it and constantly nauseous so I took myself off it after about 6 weeks. My parents aren’t the biggest believers in mental health conditions and my siblings aren’t around to talk to. I have friends but I’m not close enough with them to talk about this kind of stuff.
I’m just so tired and fed up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been depressed for so long that this is just normal to me and I hate every second of being alive