u/IxoraRains

I feel like I've just woken up from lost time. Not "lost" as in bad, per say, but lost as in I don't know where I've been. I've dumped 60 hours into Kynseed and have accomplished a life lost by time. It is a mechanic. I gave too much of my life away first year on accident. I woke up a old woman, filled with regret. I forgot to marry. I forgot to have a kid. I spent most of my first year in dungeons and farming. Trying to save to buy businesses. My first was a general store, that I turned into a bakery. It came with perks for mass producing pies and there was a trainer that helped too. Too many evenings making pies to supply the shop. I explored every inch of the world. Tried to befriend everyone. I adopted and married someone I grew up with. Ash williams, he never asked about the 28 years that I went missing. I won't give any more of my life. I will sit with my child and pass my kynseed to them.

Really cool game 😇😉

I'm just trying to get rid of pain inside of me. Something is telling me that I'm a mess up. Yes, I do the short videos but I do other things too.

I read twice a day LIVE out of the book with beautiful interpretation from Him, it's funny, no one wants that stuff and it's the stuff I really want others to witness. An hour long class for inner peace? Smh, who has the time? I teach to no one mostly, people in and out, I let the ego terrorize me and tell me how crummy I am. How ugly I am, how bad I look, how dumb the words are and I don't believe in it. And when I'm done, there are always a few minds who are with me for 20+ minutes. Remembering what they are.

I want the egos money, it tells me I need its creation for survival. That's why I do the short 2-3 minute videos. Condensed healing with MINIMAL guilt for receiving money and I don't know what people consider "guilty money" but I make very little and I would be starving right now if what was given hadn't been in this place.

I do this because the ego has left me with nothing else and I do want my body to go away, so I can stop feeling so guilty for breathing. I have nothing to defend, Lord. I am blind. I recognize you, God, please help the world recognize me.

Thank you for saving me. I wish I could hug all of you but I can't so I'll just send everything I have to Christ. He loves that stuff. Thank you for believing in me and helping me remember life even but for an instant, it is beautiful.

I love you.

I had a realization. I'm the last to remember. Everyone is healed. I am the one who is not. Everything has been removed from me. It can't be God's punishment. It's mine from me. I don't want it and I've devoted my mind to learning but it is still here. I can't survive in this world. The world pitted against me because of me and now I remember and it is paralyzing.

I was fired last week, despite showing up in what I consider my best form and willing. I wanted the job so bad but then what took it from me? What is doing this? How does God want me to survive when this relentless thing is everywhere I turn?

The person doing drugs letting me live here was able to find help because of God, 1 week of treatment. I cared for their animals, they got treatment because God made me act. We had plans to continue some work (I am well versed in 12 step work and I am a "psychotherapist" somewhere in my past). When they got home they just wanted money. They guilted me for the financial issues crack cocaine had caused. I don't take anything from this person but a place to lay my head and shower. Everything else is covered in filth and grime. I don't eat here, I don't take anything from them, I've given what little money I did have for drugs, what do I owe them for? Extending life? How is my ego finding ways to threaten me? I don't understand how the ego cannot see. Look! Your animals and you are alive right now because I was here. What is more valuable? Oh, money.

I want home. I want this to end. I don't want this ego or this world. I want my real brothers and sisters. I want God more than my next breath.

I don't know what I'm saying or even the aim of this. I'm confused very deeply.

Experience from a birthday yesterday. It was sad. I know that is not from God. Sadness or birthdays. I know the world told me the day was "special" but I saw through it. I had deleted Facebook a few weeks back. And I saw the "special" day for what it really was. Just another day. Nobody knows who I am. My family don't much appreciate that I sided with God and not all their fear and guilt, the condemnation and unbelief in Him, made them see me differently. I knew that was coming. The book states as much. I received no texts, no phone calls and I did not make any either. My "birth" meant nothing, not even to me.

The ego began it's attack. "Look at what God did to you, left you tired and alone. Working 5-10 hours a week at a smoothie shop. They don't even value you. Look at how you live. In filth with death. Keeping things alive that do not want it. Living with no value, no things, no bodies around you. You teach hallucinations on an "internet". Look at what GOD did to you."

I wept. I know the truth. I worship death. I pray to it more than anything and my only relief is when this thing is tearing me up and I teach. Sometimes consciousness comes to hear, on good sessions (I don't have anything else going on so I teach for an hour 2 times a day, sometimes 3, just going through the book, page by page) I do my best to not even look at the camera but when the chapter is done, there is always 0-8 people watching. I know I'm teaching myself and hallucinations but who cares? The lady who had been up for 40 hours smoking crack invited me out last night, that was sweet and I politely declined. I know trouble when I see it and I saw the contradiction. I can't want what the ego wants. Her animals are starving and I did everything I could to get them a bag of food this morning. I'm so stoic and special.

I'm just having a memory of a "special" day that showed me it wasn't. Just like everything the ego makes special.

I still want love from my brothers and sisters who KNOW Christ inside of them, right now. That could never be a big ask, should I learn how to stop worshipping death.

You probably read a bunch of "maybes and I thinks" or maybe you read a bunch about curses or astrology or the "aliens" or "archons" or whatever else the ego has drawn up for you to obscure the truth.

​

Here's something all KNOW but it lays mostly forgotten. Comparison upholds the egoic thought system of fear and extends time which is IMPOSSIBLE. Nothing could ever change and nothing could ever be different until you believe you can alter a past or use it to guide a future, then the dream of changing reality begins which creates time. You segment separate parts of different dreams together and dream within a dream to meet the original dream of you getting your way. You Christopher nolan now chasing nothing but suffering.

​

Every moment in time is completely different. The past could never be used as a logical or sane guide for the present. Everything is just as it is because YOU chose it that way. If there is stuff you don't like, stop dreaming of something "different" and act now. You have no idea what is supporting you outside the egos distortion of time.

​

Love you, mean it.

​

I DO NOT USE AI TO WRITE, IT IS AN ABBERATION OF THE EGO. I USE THE TRUTH OF ALL WHICH BELONGS TO ALL.