u/Jo_Mason24

I'm a father of an 18-year-old daughter. Until a little over two years ago, we were very close. Following a very turbulent period, and even more difficult divorce, she chose to leave with her mother abruptly overnight and our contact has been almost non-existent since. She also cut off my side of her family who my ex had repeatedly accused of being abusive and causing most of our family problems. I've continued supporting my daughter financially, respected her space, and tried to leave the door open without pressuring her.

I've spent a lot of time reading posts from estranged adult children because I genuinely want to understand the other side. While they've helped me, they've also left me with a few questions that I can't seem to reconcile.

The message I often see is that a parent's role is to continue loving unconditionally, respect no contact, leave the door open indefinitely, and expect nothing in return. Some also say they didn't choose to be brought into this world so it's the parents' responsibility to do everything for their kids. I understand why that makes sense where parents have been genuinely abusive.

What I struggle with is this: once the child becomes an adult, does the relationship ever become a shared responsibility? Is it possible to believe a parent should continue loving unconditionally while also believing the adult child has some responsibility for the relationship, for questioning their own narrative, or for acknowledging that two people can experience the same events very differently?

For those of you who are estranged from a parent, I'd really appreciate your perspective:

1. During your estrangement, did your parent still matter to you, even if you wanted no contact? Looking back, did you still recognize the good they brought to your life, or did that only come later—if at all?

2. Has your understanding of your parent become more nuanced over time? If so, what changed?

3. Finally, what is one thing you wish estranged parents understood about estranged children—and one thing you wish estranged children understood about their parents?

I'm not here to debate or defend myself. I'm simply trying to understand an experience that, from where I stand, has been incredibly painful and confusing.

I have been reflecting on how the alienation happened, and how I might have contributed to it, and here's a bit of a rundown of what I think in case it's helpful:

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From my ex's side:

She was raised in a controlling, abusive, emotionally turbulent and manipulative household. When I married her she had very low confidence, very high self victimization, and a strong and urgent need to get into a relation and escape her parents. I came to know later that her mum had alienated her and her siblings from their dad's side of the family through self victimization, bad mouthing and manipulation. My ex underwent severe traumas from her childhood. That led to the following in view of our daughter:

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1. She always wanted a daughter so that she would be her friend and she would be the "cool mum" - that might seem cute but it hides a significant issue related to using the child to regulate her own emotions

2. In situations when we had arguments that led her to feel any kind of shame she would cry, scream, fake fainting and make it known to our daughter

3. She would welcome discussions from our daughter regarding her views of what she should do and congratulate her on her maturity thus switching roles

4. She would often love bomb our daughter and encourage her to buy so many things that at some point she had tens of unopened toy boxes beneath her bed that she never opened nor played with

5. She would often place herself together with our daughter as one unit vs me

6. She would self victimize herself Infront of our daughter

7. She would appear very concerned when our daughter talked to my parents or family as if our daughter had gone through a horrible experience

8. She would put me on the spot to buy our daughter unnecessary things and if I object she would buy it herself

9. She would object to things I try to tell our daughter Infront of her and tell me to say this and not that

10. She would control how our daughter talked and felt at times

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From my side

1. I wasn't as close to my daughter after she reached puberty because I wanted to give her space and for her mother to help her navigate things

2. I gave her too many choices at a younger age

3. I was too conscious of her privacy and boundaries that sometimes I would be too accepting of behaviours that might harm her

4. I kept reinforcing the importance of listening to her mother and respecting her

5. I didn't sit and try to explain to her when there was too much noise from arguments with my ex

6. I cared too much to make her aware of how her actions impacted people which I believe stemmed from my own insecurities and might have affected her ability to act more freely

I have always been of the position that trust and close relationships come before money. I would be disgusted at the thought of controlling others through money or monetary wants.

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However, post alienation I have received all sorts of advice which unfortunately seem to have worked for others. Things like not having my ex get enough money from me to avoid giving her the strength to alienate my child from me and so on.

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From my part, prior to the divorce I owned a property with my ex which I paid the deposit for, and 2/3 of mortgage payments for a while 3 years together all ancillary costs and fees. However, when time came to sell, I gave my ex half the profit. I though as my wife I want her to feel financially secure and I didn't want any doubt Infront of myself that I might have wronged her. Instead of gratitude , which I didn't demand, I got entitlement. I was told that's her right and I did no more than expected.

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Same thing with my divorce, post separation and alienation of my daughter by my ex, I made a decision to give my ex all of my liquid money with no courts, no lawyers, nothing despite legally her not being entitled to anything given her actions. I didn't want to fight a legal fight and further damage my daughter's psychological state.

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Despite my daughter not asking for anything and cutting me off I send her a monthly allowance that is roughly 16% of my income as well as monetary gifts on her birthday and other occasions. Still no thank you. Nothing.

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I realize much of what I am saying might sound to some as "simping", cowardly, codependent or other. Perhaps part of that is right. Also, perhaps what I did enabled the very same behaviours that ended up hurting me. The entitlement, the gaslighting, the projection and so on could have been fueled by that too. But what is the alternative? Thinking that my ex and my daughter are with me because of their financial dependence? How is that any better?

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I would rather someone choose to be with me because of who I am and how they feel towards me, than because I am able to give them what they need to buy a new cardigan or have a fun trip at the mall.

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Just to clarify, I am not rich by any stretch, but I am able to maintain an overall good standard of life with minimal savings.

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The kind of answers or perspective I am seeking is regarding the role of money in such relationships. Perhaps whether we like it or not and it's nice or not, financial dependence causes people to respect and maintain relations.

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I have relatives who are well off and it seems like their friend and family regardless of turbulence seems to be maintained partly owing to confidence in them as people as a result of their financial success.

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I have seen that many times when people express opinions about relationships, politics, finances or whatever but lack financial success their views aren't as well received as that of those who are financially successful.

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Does money impact relationships? Or is it a temporary illusion that fades once the money does?

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What are your thoughts?

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Would you use money to punish? Reward? Or exercise justice or perhaps even revenge? If yes, then why?

Hello

It's been 27 months and 7 days since I last saw my daughter after her mum relocated her overseas overnight (she was 16 at the time). I think about her daily, and cry often.

So as not to go into so much detail, I will highlight the key points:

- I worked and provided, my ex stayed with our daughter most of the time

- my daughter formed an unhealthy attachment to my ex and her family

- my ex's mum had alienated her from her dad's family, her dad beat her up and abused her, her mum manipulated her, both parents neglected her owing to her brother's illness

- over my daughter's entire life when I was there, she had consistently expressed love and care and appreciation to me

- my ex would get jealous when my daughter and I got closer, she would often use words like us and your dad, express strong emotions Infront of my daughter following petty arguments to make her think I had done something horrible to her

- my ex would project her negative views of my entire family unto my daughter, often blaming them for things that were actually her fault

- on the night of the departure, I had had enough and I told her we needed to separate, I will go to a hotel for a few days to cool down, and we can talk procedures afterwards, she packed her bags, took my daughter, didn't notify her school, didn't leave a letter, left the house a mess, travelled overseas, and ghosted me

- for 1.5 years my daughter would not communicate with me except on one messaging platform (which my ex had access to when she was growing up), she would make it a point it's her choice to relocate, respond to me very coldly and briefly

- for that 1.5 years I was holding back from talking about any details, but then I felt I had to say something, especially after I told her I'd like us to have a meaningful relation after the divorce, she said she doesn't hold grudges - I called out what her mum did as a crime, very cruel, told her I developed complex PTSD, defended my self as a dad who cared and supported but sometimes made mistakes, and told her I will always be there for her

- for 2 years now I have been consistently sending her money

- but since my last message, I couldn't live with the continuous struggle of wondering if it's her mum using my daughter's socials, or just her pervasive control over her. I couldn't bear see the same person that one year before sent me a card box telling me what a great dad I was, treat me this way and become the whip with which my bitter ex continues her family's heritage of alienation and projection.

- I know it's hard to say even with such details that I shared but I wonder if there is hope. I realize money doesn't equate to love and communication but the contradiction of being told she's an adult and given the cold shoulder while others tell me hang in there and keep sending messages of love feels like I am imposing myself.

- is there hope? Based on your experience if it has any similarity?

I leased an apartment for 1.5 years and at the end of my lease during the intense rains, the paint started bubbling in the walls near the floor. I bit the bullet and repainted the whole apartment. The bubbling returned. Now the landlord is telling me they are getting repair quotes to deduct from my deposit.

I think this is grossly unfair. I have paid the attestation fees when legally it was their responsibility, repainted the whole apartment and cleaned it, installed lights when there were none, and handed over the apartment 9 days prior to the end of my lease.

My question is, if push comes to shove, do I have a good chance in the tenancy dispute center to have my deposit returned? What timeline do I need to be mindful of to not lose the chance to complain? Sharing prior experience is appreciated.