u/JobFabulous594

Hi all. Sorry if my post is unclear, in one sense I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for and just trying to get things off my chest.

I was recently diagnosed autistic and told I'm likely ADHD too (looking to start the diagnostic process in a matter of weeks). Long story short I came to the realisation after burning out after the birth of my second child (both children NT as far as we know, haven't seen signs of ND so far but they're young).

A lot of that burnout and my suspicion of being ND caused tension with my wife (NT). She doesn't see me as autistic, even after I've got a formal diagnosis, but thinks there's something to ADHD (been together 10+ years). She thinks that me seeking out answers is making things about me when I should be focusing on my marriage and children (I don't see looking for answers as separate from these, although of course it has great personal meaning to me).

Anyway, I struggle to manage my career, marriage and parenthood. It's like I can give mental focus only on 1-2 at a time, and I find it really really hard to switch off from my job no matter how much I try.

I'm not an idle husband or father by any measure (I do a lot of the jobs around the house, night-time dealing with children and childcare more generally; she does too but she plans and remembers everything), but it feels like I'm constantly unable to get as much done as my wife and she's finding it really hard. I'm constantly feeling incompetent and unable to push myself, and she feels lonely and exhausted doing so much at home.

Does anyone else have similar difficulties?

So I got diagnosed with autism a few weeks ago, and told I should seek an ADHD diagnosis as well which I fully intend to do.

Anyway, as I try to learn more about all things autism I've come across something that confuses me. I'm generally ok with most non-literal expressions but I can't make sense of what people mean when they talk about an "overwhelmed nervous system". Do they feel their nerves? If so, what does that feel like? Is it a proxy for a... social or a sensory sensation?

Suppose it feels a little ironic that there's an autism-centred expression where its literal meaning doesn't make sense to me!

Thanks in advance for any and all advice.

So I (M39) received my ASD diagnosis yesterday (to my immense relief) and told I'm likely to also have ADHD. Nothing of surprise to me there, I'd suspected for about a year and a half.

For that year and a half my NT wife (F37) has been sceptical about it and hasn't agreed on my suspicions. Fair enough, she's free to disagree with me. Initially she reacted badly to it and we fought about it (because she thought I was doing this just for me and leaving my family on the sidelines, whereas I never saw such a distinction - it was for me and my family) but things smoothed over in time. Although I could tell she was always resistant to the idea, possibly because she said she noticed a change only in the last few years (we started a family and, as much as I love my children, parenting does drain me often).

Anyway, her initial response to my diagnosis yesterday seemed that she was upset. We eventually talked about it, and to her credit she seems fine/accepting of it today and did say it was a lot to take in for her as well (I had to deliver news over text because one of our children had sports practice).

I feel much better about us today, and after yesterday's longer conversation (I trust my gut with knowing if things are ok because I know her very well), but my initial feelings yesterday to her upset in my mind was WTF.

Has anyone else with a NT partner met with resistance? How did you deal with such situations?