u/JourneyDragon

Hello! it’s the wife again! First, I want to thank everyone (even the mods <3) who took the time to comment on my previous post. Your honesty, support, and personal stories have made me feel incredibly seen and validated. Reading your responses has brought me so much clarity and comfort during a very difficult time.

I am creating this second post because I would love to hear from people who have successfully moved forward after growing up in abusive, toxic, or enmeshed family systems.

If you were able to set boundaries, go low contact or no contact, and build a healthier life, I would be so grateful if you would share your story.

What positive changes happened after you stepped away?

How did your mental health improve?

How did your marriage or relationships change?

What benefits did your children experience?

Did you find more peace, confidence, and happiness?

I am asking to show my husband there really is light at the end of the tunnel, I plan on showing my husband both posts this week. Im showing him the first one first and then this one (in hopes this can help his decision) I know he will be trying to process everything and understand what life can look like on the other side of these difficult decisions.

I am hoping to hear stories of hope, healing, and the beautiful things that can happen when you choose to protect your own family and break unhealthy generational patterns.

Thank you all again for being such a compassionate and supportive community. After so much hurt and confusion, your stories have given me hope that a peaceful and joyful future is possible.

Sorry this is so long but I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I didn’t realize how bad my parents were until my wife started trying to get me to notice their crazy behaviors. I know I was made to push my feelings aside since my childhood and I was forced to deal with my parents emotions rather than my own. They have always denied reality. I can ignore allot of what happened in my childhood but It wasn’t until my wife and I were going through infertility and the birth of our son brought out the crazy in them. They see my wife as the issue rather than themselves and have really hurt her to the point of not her wanting any contact with them or letting our children around them. I’m having such a hard time cutting them off even with all the awful things they’ve said and done to my wife. I wasn’t able to stand up for her at the time either and she has a lot of resentment towards me but it’s my biggest life regret that I wasn’t there for her. For context these are some things I have guilt over.

-When we were struggling with infertility my mom told my wife “aren’t you glad you didn’t get pregnant in highschool though?” Because she believed that her being a teen mom is way harder than us going through losses and infertility.

-After my wife’s second pregnancy loss my mom  said “it’s not that big of a deal, it’s like a period” She was 10 weeks.

-When it came time for us to move onto other fertility treatments. My wife was told that she was selfish for considering embryo adoption instead of donor egg IVF. My mom said “you can’t take this away from me.”

-When my wife was pregnant she was treated like an incubator, (We lived with my parents at the time due to the housing market, we are in our own home now) my mom constantly felt the need to touch her stomach and talk to the baby every day.

-When my wife’s weight gain spiked because of preeclampsia (later eclampsia) she was made fun of to multiple different people. My wife even saw a text exchange (mom was driving and wanted wife to help respond instead of text and drive) that message that made fun of her weight and my mom noticed and said “you weren’t supposed to read that” and grabbed the phone.

-When my parents came to the hospital after my wife gave birth. My mom told my wife “you don’t matter anymore” and grabbed the baby away from her and they took pictures with the baby.

-When we came home from the hospital my wife wanted some comfort food, she got some chips and frozen nuggets. My dad looked her up and down and said “you need veggies immediately.”

-Postpartum was incredibly hard because finally when it was our turn to be parents after how hard infertility was my parents made it all about themselves and we got told I’m not being fair constantly. My mom constantly tried “helping” but  only came to hold the baby while my wife cleaned.

-When my mom kissed my premature baby and got “in trouble” for it. We got a slew of angry texts  saying how unfair we are being, how we are doing so many unnecessary things just to hurt them, how much they are crying daily because they can’t see their grandson. It then turned into a phone call that lead to a screaming match while my wife was still early postpartum. It lead her to get very bad PPD and PPA, but they called her crazy.

-At my son’s first birthday. We finally had (most) our home projects done so we could finally show our home to our friends and family and my parents waited for my wife to leave the room to take a “family picture” without her. I told them I wanted to wait for her to get back to take the picture but I didn’t get listened to. 

While it’s true that it’s my biggest life regret that I wasn’t there for my wife, I am having such a difficult time cutting my parents off. I have so much anxiety and guilt. My wife told me she doesn’t have it in her heart to ever forgive them and wants nothing to do with them or have our children go around them either. She has told me I’m a grown man and can make my own decisions but she absolutely refuses to go around. She has mentioned separation/ divorce a couple of times because she doesn’t want to hold me back from having a relationship with my parents. I don’t blame her, my parents have done a lot of damage on our marriage but even after everything I’m struggling so badly to go no contact. I have had many conversations with my parents about their behaviors but it always gets turned around on me or my wife. I don’t feel like I can win. Thankfully we are going to marriage counseling so my wife can learn to trust me again and we can work on our relationship but there has been a lot of damage done that I don’t feel like she will ever forgive me. 

I bought a Shark AZ3002 in February, I got 3-4 uses out of it before it started smelling like a heavy burning smell. I was walked through how to do a full check of the vacuum by a Shark representative over the phone, followed every step, and we ended up getting a replacement. It took a while to get our replacement but it’s been a month of use and the burning smell is back with our new one! I’m at a total loss! Both have burnt up a brush roll motor within a month of use. I’m just not sure how. I have normal carpet, not high pile, on the second one I made extra sure to use the high pile setting to be extra sure it wasn’t my fault but I can’t keep having this horrible burning smell. I’ve loved the vac so far, I don’t know if I’m just unlocks or doing something wrong, any recommendations on a fix or a recommendation on a similar vacuum with a HEPA filter (my child has bad allergies) Thanks so much! :)

I got told to post this here. It truly does seem like the perfect place. Any uplifting comments are so welcome because I don't have really anyone to talk to about this. Also you are welcome to feel my rage with me while you read this as well.

-When I was struggling with infertility my MIL said “aren’t you glad you didn’t get pregnant in high school though?” Because she believed that her being a teen mom is way harder than me going through losses and infertility.

-After my second loss my MIL said “it’s not that big of a deal, it’s like a period” nope I was 10 weeks.

-When it came time for my husband and I to move onto other fertility treatments. (Autoimmune disease made me prematurely menopausal) I was told that I was selfish for considering embryo adoption instead of donor egg IVF. MIL said “you can’t take this away from me.”

-When I was pregnant I was treated like an incubator, (my husband and I lived with in laws at the time due to the housing market, we are in our own home now) MIL constantly felt the need to touch my stomach and talk to my baby literally every. single. day. 

-When my weight gain spiked because of preeclampsia, I was made fun of to multiple different people. Once MIL was even driving and wanted me to respond to her friends text and I read a message that made fun of my weight and she noticed and said “you weren’t supposed to read that” as she snatched her phone away.

-When I had to get induced because I became eclamptic once they visited us in the hospital, I got told “you don’t matter anymore” and grabbed my baby away from me and they took pictures with my baby. I never got any of me and our baby in the hospital.

-When we came home from the hospital I just wanted some comfort food, I wanted some chips and frozen nuggets. My FIL looked me up and down and said “you need veggies immediately.”

-Postpartum was incredibly hard because finally when it was our turn to be parents after how hard infertility was my in laws made it all about themselves and I got told I’m not being fair constantly. My MIL constantly tried “helping” but  only came to hold the baby while I cleaned.

-When my MIL kissed my premature baby and got “in trouble” for it. We got a slew of angry texts  saying how unfair we are being, how we are doing so many unnecessary things just to hurt them, how much they are crying daily because they can’t see their grandson. It then turned into a phone call that lead to a screaming match while I was still early postpartum. It lead me to get very bad PPD and PPA, but they denied any accountability and called me crazy.

-I ran into an old neighbor at a store and she asked how I was doing because she heard some “things” from my MIL at a baby shower and needed to check in on me because she got told I’m “crazy and manipulative” and I’m keeping her grandson away from her out of spite.

-At my son’s first birthday. We finally had (most) our home projects done so we could show our home to our friends and family and my in laws waited for me to leave the room to take a “family picture” without me. 

There is seriously so much more but these are the things that hurt me the worst. I don’t think I’ll ever have it in my heart to forgive them. I just need them to leave me and my family alone. Thanks for letting me rant, these scenarios are on my mind often unfortunately. I am glad to say that as of very recently my husband has gotten therapy and has understood the toxicity of his family and we have gone no contact! such a win after a hard time.

-When I was struggling with infertility my MIL said “aren’t you glad you didn’t get pregnant in high school though?” Because she believed that her being a teen mom is way harder than me going through losses and infertility.

-After my second loss my MIL said “it’s not that big of a deal, it’s like a period” nope I was 10 weeks.

-When it came time for my husband and I to move onto other fertility treatments. (Autoimmune disease made me prematurely menopausal) I was told that I was selfish for considering embryo adoption instead of donor egg IVF. MIL said “you can’t take this away from me.”

-When I was pregnant I was treated like an incubator, (my husband and I lived with in laws at the time due to the housing market, we are in our own home now) MIL constantly felt the need to touch my stomach and talk to my baby literally every. single. day. 

-When my weight gain spiked because of preeclampsia, I was made fun of to multiple different people. Once MIL was even driving and wanted me to respond to her friends text and I read a message that made fun of my weight and she noticed and said “you weren’t supposed to read that” as she snatched her phone away.

-When I had to get induced because I became eclamptic once they visited us in the hospital, I got told “you don’t matter anymore” and grabbed my baby away from me and they took pictures with my baby. I never got any of me and our baby in the hospital.

-When we came home from the hospital I just wanted some comfort food, I wanted some chips and frozen nuggets. My FIL looked me up and down and said “you need veggies immediately.”

-Postpartum was incredibly hard because finally when it was our turn to be parents after how hard infertility was my in laws made it all about themselves and I got told I’m not being fair constantly. My MIL constantly tried “helping” but  only came to hold the baby while I cleaned.

-When my MIL kissed my premature baby and got “in trouble” for it. We got a slew of angry texts  saying how unfair we are being, how we are doing so many unnecessary things just to hurt them, how much they are crying daily because they can’t see their grandson. It then turned into a phone call that lead to a screaming match while I was still early postpartum. It lead me to get very bad PPD and PPA, but they denied any accountability and called me crazy.

-I ran into an old neighbor at a store and she asked how I was doing because she heard some “things” from my MIL at a baby shower and needed to check in on me because she got told I’m “crazy and manipulative” and I’m keeping her grandson away from her out of spite.

-At my son’s first birthday. We finally had (most) our home projects done so we could show our home to our friends and family and my in laws waited for me to leave the room to take a “family picture” without me. 

There is seriously so much more but these are the things that hurt me the worst. I don’t think I’ll ever have it in my heart to forgive them. I just need them to leave me and my family alone. Thanks for letting me rant, these scenarios are on my mind often unfortunately. I hope those with great in laws cherish them because horrible in laws are the absolute worst.