In the bed. On the Couch. On the floor. Against a wall. In the shower. Outside. I don't Care. I crave you, your taste, your Touch. Every inch of my body longs for you. I want to swallow your pride, fill me Up, Push me down. Hold me tight. Whisper sweet words into my ear. Take me. Let me Take you.
I'm sorry that I never fully understood you. I really wanted to, I really tried, but besides from me generally having a problem understanding people, in your specific case I got so offen blinded by my Anxiety and the past.
But I'm starting to see much clearer now.
Although there always was this little doubtful voice in my head, I know how much I mean to you. That you feel genuine love for me. That it got intertwined with all the negative stuff and how it scared you. How I scared you.
It was so painful to see your self doubting, your insecurities, your self hatred. Because you are so much more than that, so much more than your mistakes. Because you're important to me. Because I love you. And want the best for you.
It's okay to not have all the answers in one week. There's no rush, no pressure. I'm not gone, there's always room in my life for you. In one way or another.
And I'm Here If you need me. My door ist Always Open to you (metaphorically speaking, you know I don't answer the door bell, If I don't know who's ringing x) ).
The weather sucks today. I got Out of Work and couldn't breath at first, because of the Air being so goddamn tight! And it Sounds Like a thunderstorm is coming, so perfekt for Putting on a Movie and getting cozy under the blanket.
Man, I Wish you were Here, cuddling, Fingers on my skin, lips on mine. There's so much I wanna Tell you. So much I wanna do with you.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to rest. It's okay to be confused, to feel lost. Hell, I do too.
I'm always here. I love you.
I'm so deeply exhausted. There's this one side wanting to wait for you, like I always did. Being so emotionaly dependant on you and your mood. Always trying to see if I missed something between the lines. My self worth and my heart being able to be so easily shatterd.
But there's also this other side. Who wants to run far away. Who ist so scared of ever feeling like this again. Who wants to lock all of this away and bury it.
This time everything feels so different. I can function. I can enjoy life... Somewhat. I still break down, but it's not constantly. I'm not Walking for hours night for night. I'm not waiting for the days to pass, Not waiting for you to allow me back into your life.
This time I think you genuinley resent me. Hate me. Never want to See me again. And I Accept that. I can't Change it. I don't have the Energy to Change it. I'm Just tired.
I still Hope our paths will Cross again someday. It feels like there's this invisible tie between us. I still Love you. But I think the only good Thing I can do for you is to let you hate me. To let you move on. To Not burden you with, Well, me. If you move away I move away. No more chasing. No more clinging. Moving back to Point Zero. I don't know what the Future will Bring.
I'll never deny the Impact you left on me. If someone truly wants to understand me, they have to know you. Every shared laugh, every kiss, every Heartbreak, all those nights together, buying my first Pokémon Cards, listening to your yapping Sessions, chilling outside and Smoking, all those deep Talks... It was never pointless to me. Never meaningless. Never a waste of time.
The specs of love are still in my flat. Your little Godzilla drawing on my wall. Your toothbrush in my bathroom. Your Shirt that still smells like you in my bed (You'll get it Back, don't worry). I had to Take down our picture, but it sits safely in my drawer.
We never Had many Pictures together.
It's okay, you can hate me. If this is what keeps you going.
I Love you. I'm sorry.
I Just want this to end, I want to Stop thinking, I want to Stop Feeling, I would do anything to Not feel anything anymore, I want to disappear, I want to Scream, I want to cry, I want to Hurt myself to Not feel the emotional pain, I want to forget, I Wish I went through with it years ago. All of this for nothing, I am worthless, why do I even try?
Tired of not being good enough.
Tired of not being the first choice.
Tired of bending and breaking myself to be worthy of love.
Tired of begging for attention and affection.
Tired of waiting for someone who doesn't want to be with me.
I never want to be Like this ever again. I want to be Strong. I want to be someone.
I feel so tired. But If I stay still, I'll be waiting again. I can't do that. I have to stay busy. I'm trying to escape this voice in my head, that Sounds Like him, yelling at me, mocking me, telling me He hates me, despises me, never appreciated me and all the effort I put into this relationship. No rest, no pause. I don't know what's expected of me. I don't know what I want. I wish those Feelings would disappear.
I try to soothe myself. Telling myself he cared about me, that's why He pushed me away. I got too close. He had affection for me. Maybe it's gone now, but that's nothing I'm allowed to think about anymore.
I want him to be happy and healthy. I want him to smile again, to laugh, to be comfortable and loved. But that'll never happen as long as I'm in the picture. I'm a constant reminder of the past.
I'm exchangable.
On the surface there's a lot of pain, anger, sadness, confusion, lonlieness.
But if I dig deeper there's so much love for him with No place to Go and it Hurts. I'm not allowed to Go near it or it'll destroy me again.
I wish I could erase myself from existence. He'd be Happy. I'd be Happy.
But I'm finally building a life that's Worth living. I want to feel the warmth of my Family and Friends.
I'm scared I'll Crash and burn again.