u/Jumpy_Poetry308

What the title says. In my early 20s, I thought it was BPD after dissecting my personality traits with my then-psychiatrist. She didn't specialize in personality disorders, and it turns out, I have C-PTSD that used to mimic BPD. And I'm autistic, but sometimes I wonder whether it's not actually just slight neurodivergence amplified by how I was raised. Or how I wasn't, since no one ever took interest in me as a person, my interests, I had no one whom I could trust with my feelings, and I was only visible when I did something wrong. Then, I'd be criticized, ridiculed, my needs would be met with anger, I was told I was 'too sensitive' or that I had nothing to complain about.

Now every time I'm idle, and I try to be idle intentionally to observe myself and my inner landscape better, I feel this void that eats at me, like I'm falling inwards, a mix of muted dread and anxiety. It never goes away, no matter how fulfilling my life is on the outside. And I realized that it will probably never disappear, since it was supposed to be filled with emotional connection a long time ago, and my current source of emotional connection can only do so much. I feel it's too late, and I can only observe the void, feel it, and make peace with it.

Anyone else have similar struggles? I've been lurking here lately, and so many posts could've been written by me, they describe my experiences in a eerily accurate way.

I'm 31 NB (AFAB) and he's 36 M. We've been living together for 1 year. We had several open, honest discussions the past days about the fact that my tone and volume of voice causes him anxiety. No matter how much I try to adjust, I simply am not aware when I speak too loudly. When I'm excited I tend to talk louder apparently, which triggers his anxiety. Other times, when I'm calm or exhausted, I tend to whisper or talk in a monotonous voice, which creeps him out and sometimes also causes him anxiety. I've already adjusted how coherently I speak, I try not to overexplain or yap, I try to be clear, but I couldn't solve these issues, and they've become quite a big problem.

Besides these speech aspects, he told me it gets distracting and bothersome when I keep moving or adjusting my body too much when we watch TV, and the fact that I make sounds (this is related to health issues that I haven't found a solution for yet; I struggle with postnasal drip which makes me cough a lot and clear my throat, sniff, and it drives me insane, so I can only imagine it became hard to tolerate). I find it almost impossible not to move, as sensory issues get so bad I have to adjust so I can focus on the movie or TV show. I wish I didn't have to, but it's almost painful at times. This makss him lose focus, it distracts him.

Has anyone else faced similar issues? We'd really like to make this work, and we're at an uncertain point when it comes to cohabitation right now.

Salut! Am 31 de ani si in ciuda faptului ca fac terapie de multa vreme, ma simt foarte rau pe interior. Sunt in 'survival mode' continuu, am insomnie cronica de cand ma stiu, sunt hipervigilenta si mi-e foarte greu sa navighez viata de zi cu zi, indiferent de cum incerc sa abordez lucrurile, indiferent de perspectiva pe care o am, pozitiva sau mai putin. Ma simt intr-un fel de burnout de ani buni, dar nu de la munca, ci de la supravietuire, oricat de dramatic ar suna. Sunt epuizata mintal si emotional oricat de mult m-as odihni fizic si oricat de mult m-as deconecta ca sa pot sa imi reincarc bateriile. Doar ca nu pare ca mi se incarca bateriile.

Iau medicatie psihiatrica de la 19 ani. E mult de povestit aici, dar ideea e ca de-abia in ultimii 2 ani am inteles ce se intampla cu mine. Am primit multe diagnostice gresite initial, inclusiv BPD si tulburare bipolara. Diagnosticele corecte sunt ADHD, depresie, asa-numitul Asperger's, anxietate si C-PTSD. Ultimul mi se trage preponderent de la relatia deficitara cu mama -- acuze, violenta fizica si emotionala, invalidare, ma filma fara acordul meu cand eram foarte rau psihic si sub influenta alcoolului pe motiv ca strange probe ca sa ma dezmosteneasca, acuze ca nu am nicio problema psihica si ca vreau atentie, nimic nu era de ajuns din ce faceam, ma impingea sa lucrez mai mult de 8 ore pe zi, imi controla cate tigari fumam (asta pe la 26-27 de ani, cand fumam din salariul meu), imi critica hainele, urmarea cand imi comand mancare ai facea crize ca in loc sa gatesc imi comand (ajunsesem sa ascund ambalajele in dulap, la fel si vape-urile si pachetele de tigari) etc.

Sunt intr-o relatie de tip QPR de 2 ani, iar la inceput mi-a fost foarte dificil sa cer ajutor, sa fiu vulnerabila fara sa fac trauma dumping, sa spun fara teama ceea ce gandesc, dar in ultimele 6 luni e mai bine. Nu e asta problema, asta e doar pentru context si ca sa punctez ca relatia nesanatoasa cu mama, plus bullying-ul din scoala generala si liceu si excluderea sociala, mi-au afectat capacitatea sa leg relatii. A trebuit sa ma dezvat de multe si sa ma adaptez, iar trasaturile autiste au facut totul si mai complicat.

Pana recent, mecanismele mele de adaptare si coping au fost nesanatoase -- tulburari de alimentatie (restrictie cand eram stresata si simteam ca pierd controlul), abuz de alcool, iarba, benzodiazepine, codeina, autovatamare care a lasat urme serioase, daydreaming cu orele, in special inainte sa adorm, fumat compulsiv etc. Acum nu mai 'practic' nici una dintre astea, sunt abstinenta in ceea ce priveste toate substantele, ma mai lovesc uneori cand sunt coplesita, dar evit pe cat posibil si folosesc ceea ce am invatat in terapia DBT si ceea ce am observat ca functioneaza, oricat de bizar ar fi.

De asemenea, nu mai am capacitatea sa tin un job, nu am mai lucrat serios de aproape 2 ani, iar declinul asta a inceput treptat, de la full-time acum vreo 5 ani, la part-time, ca ulterior sa nu mai pot sa fiu consistenta. Sunt continuu disociata intr-o masura care e deranjanta, ma simt depersonalizata si totul pare ca prin ceata (derealizare). De asta am dificultati in a ma ajuta de grounding, mindfulness, exercitii care implica corpul.

Acum iau medicatie mai usoara, Brintellix 20 mg, dar ma ajuta doar sa imi modulez si contolez emotiile fara sa ma faca zombie (ca antipsihoticele). Dar medicatia nu a facut mai mult de atat pentru mine, iar 'pe viu' la terapie, oricat de mult as lucra, nu am rezultate satisfacatoare. Am facut CBT cu 4 terapeuti diferiti (chiar daca am rezonat cu 2 dintre ei, nu m-am ales cu prea multe din tipul asta de terapie), DBT, care ma ajuta pe partea emotionala, niste dubiosenii New Age, iar in ultimele 6 luni am facut schema therapy, m-a ajutat sa inteleg si sa mai descalcesc din haos, dar nu m-a ajutat prea mult, concret.

Imi e foarte dificil sa merg mai departe, iar pe langa tot haosul dinauntru, am si probleme de sanatate fizica, unele dintre care s-au dezvoltat pe fond nervos (migrene vestibulare). Sunt coplesita si nu stiu nici eu cum am ajuns pana aici. Nu am prieteni, imi e foarte greu sa mentin prietenii si nu sunt nici prea inclinata catre conexiune cu alte persoane. Cea mai apropiata persoana din viata mea este partenerul meu, insa dupa atat de mult timp a ajuns la epuizare (ma bazat excesiv pe el la inceput), iar acum continua sa ma sprijine si ma pot baza pe el 100%, dar totusi simt ca nu primesc tot ajutorul de care am nevoie (in general, nu de la el).

Nu stiu incotro sa ma mai indrept cu atat de multi factori care imi fac viata dificila. Pareri, sfaturi?

I'm exhausted, and it's hard to remember a time when I wasn't. Probably in childhood. I feel stuck in survival mode and I default to fawning whenever I feel a threat. It disgusts me as a coping mechanism, but I know it's not my fault -- it's trauma response.

I feel like I'm just existing, and I exist as a loser at 31, going on 32. While I've always felt there was something wrong with me (I'm neurodivergent, but no one cared to offer me support timely), I didn't think I'd feel like such a loser in my 30s. Well, I never thought I'd live this far, as I struggle with suicidal ideation, which is chronic now and helps me, paradoxically, move forward.

Until recently, I thought I'm only depressed, but it didn't make sense. Feeling stuck like I do, paralyzed, unable to hold down a job, no even contribute a little, just a little, to my partner's project. I feel like dead weight just inconveniencing the very few people in my life and making things more difficult for them. I have nothing going on for me except for my relationship with my supportive, kind partner. The journey to having a harmonious connection was tough, as I had so many trauma responses at the beginning, but even so, I myself as an individual, feel like a ghost.

All my life I've tried many jobs in real life, going somewhere for 8 hours or more, but either the world isn't made for my messed up type of neurodivergence or I'm too messed up to function. I was employed at most for 1-3 months. I only have remote job experience in a field that's mostly dead now, and over the past years my ability to work anything has gone almost completely. No idea why. I feel heavy through and through, and speaking of this, psych meds that I've been taking since 19 made me gain quite a lot of weight that it's extremely hard to lose without spiraling into my ED behaviors.

My parents, I have a complicated relationship with them. Mom messed me up in the head plenty, and I'm stuck with her voice in my head since I moved out. So it's like I only moved out physically. I can't maintain friendship, it elludes me why, maybe my neurodivergence makes me too weird or insufferable.

Therapy did very little for me, and I feel like it's too late anyway, since nothing changed yet, nothing major like I hoped. Schema therapy, weird new age bullshit, Adlerian, CBT, DBT etc. I live in Eastern Europe, so trauma specialists are few, and honestly I don't know what can help rewire my brain so I don't have constant noise in my head, rumination, and anxiety that erodes me on the inside.

Today I almost grabbed alcohol in the supermarket, after celebrating 2 years and a half sober yesterday. It all got worse with physical health issues -- there might be something wrong with my spine surgery, and god knows what I'll need next, maybe revision surgery, but it prevents me from enjoying the few things that bring me joy, like spending time in nature, walking... Even walking is painful for more that 10-15 min. I have vestibular migraines too, misaligned jaw that makes chewing regular food painful, and I might have endometriosis, too. There a few things going on ok with my body.

If I complain too much, I overwhelm others and no one can do anything more than they do, and I can't ask for more. I feel like I'm beyond everyone's expertise, and that there's little left to enjoy. All my life I've struggled to find something to 'unlock' myself as I used to say when I was younger, but to no avail. I really don't like how my life is going, as I have nothing except my partner and our connection. But I do need more help, or something. I'm tired.