u/JustSomeGuy12435

I’ve been really off and am sick of this and was wondering if there are any serious side effects caused by this?

I’m so fucking stupid. Why did I trust my counselor. Of course she told my shittyfamily. It was stupid to even bother. She was so nice. She fucking tricked me. Now people from my church know and my pastors probably gonna bother me about it now. I’m too fucking tired to deal with this. Maybe I should just give up at this point. It would be so much easier to just die now

Not really sure how to even title this. I feel like shit. For context, I’m pretty sure my mom couldn’t give a shit about how I feel or what I’m going through. Without too much tap she basically does what most shitty parents do. Call me shitty names and downplays how I feel. At this point those don’t really bother me too much, but what does Is how it feels as if she could care less about me at all. There’s no “I love you” No hugs, no checking in on how I feel, and sabotaging everyone around me and my families image of me every chance she gets. She heavily contributes to my issues. Like a poisonous core. Most of everything else just strengthens this anchor. Recently though she said/ did some stuff I felt hurt me more than normal, so I pretty much told I don’t want her or anyone else at my Senior graduation. I honestly don’t even wanna go but I don’t really get a say in how my life advances except how fast it ends. She said she doesn’t care anyways, but I know she’ll prob force herself there anyways so she can get some credit to me making it this far. I don’t even know how to feel or reach out to anyone. It feels like I’ve bottled up my emotions for so long i physically can’t even open up to the one person who really wants the best for me, my aunt. I can’t even be honest with myself so how can I tell them? I’m so much worse off than she thinks. Whatever I’m just yapping now. Sorry if you wasted your time reading this.

Anyone else feel like the can’t remember/ don’t have any recollection of ever being truly happy? I don’t really have any pictures of my younger self so I don’t have any tangible way to look back at it now. At no point can I remember being truly happy. Nowadays when I take picture with friend and think I’m happy in the moment, when I look back at the photos my eyes look so tired and my smiles look forced.

I’m too lazy to get up to grab my tender kit right now, so to help distract myself I wanna know what things some of you guys think/do to get your mind off of sh when the urges come knocking?

I can’t help but find it funny that the best part of my day was finding out I still had a few razor blades hidden away in my desk so I don’t have to use my dull one anymore