u/Kazakraken

I'm 20 and currently in my third year at a good university in Australia doing a Commerce and International Security double degree.

I've been struggling a lot mentally over the past couple of years and I feel like it's completely derailed my university experience, and now I'm terrified I've seriously set back my future.

When I finished high school, I actually received a late offer to study undergraduate Law. I turned it down because I genuinely didn't think I was smart enough. I convinced myself I'd fail, so I accepted a Commerce and International Security double degree instead because it felt like the "safer" option.

Looking back, I regret that decision almost every day.

My first semester wasn't great. I lived at home and commuted, struggled to motivate myself, skipped a lot of classes and found it really difficult to make friends.

In my second semester I moved into residential college because I wanted to completely reinvent myself. I'm naturally pretty introverted, but I promised myself I'd become outgoing, confident, go to every event, talk to everyone and finally make friends.

For about five weeks I genuinely tried. Then I came across an anonymous confession online that was clearly about me, calling me awkward, tiring to be around, weird in conversation, and saying they wished I'd stop following them around. I wasn't angry that people didn't want to be friends with me, but reading it completely shattered my confidence and I withdrew after that.

This also coincided with my parents divorcing and multiple cancer diagnoses and deaths in my family. I felt like I couldn't talk to my parents about what I was going through because they already had so much on their plates and I didn't want to add to their stress.

I stopped eating meals because I didn't want to sit alone in the dining hall and I barely knew anyone. I basically lived off cereal and snacks in my room. I would wait until late at night to shower or use the bathroom so I wouldn't run into people. I stopped going to classes.

Looking back now, I don't think I realised how badly I was struggling mentally. I felt disconnected from everything. It's hard to explain, but I almost felt like I was just existing rather than actually living. Every day became about avoiding people and simply getting through it. I wasn't thinking clearly, I wasn't looking after myself, and I honestly think I was dissociating a lot of the time. My anxiety became overwhelming and it felt like my body was constantly stuck in panic mode.

During that period I failed four courses.

I came back the following year hoping it would be different, but the anxiety was still there. I couldn't bring myself to eat in the dining hall or meet new people, and eventually I moved back home because I just couldn't cope living there anymore.

I'm doing a bit better mentally now, but I'm still trying to recover academically.

The problem is that I actually enjoy International Security and generally do well in it, but Commerce has never really clicked for me. I've now failed three of the core Commerce courses that I'd have to repeat.

The more I've thought about it, the more I realise I think I actually want to study Law.

I know people always say not to romanticise degrees, and maybe I'm doing that a little, but I've realised I enjoy reading, writing, researching, analysing arguments and discussing policy far more than accounting or economics.

The problem is my GPA.

Because of everything that happened, it's nowhere near high enough to internally transfer into undergraduate Law.

I'm planning to apply for late withdrawals for the courses I failed because they were during the period where my mental health deteriorated significantly, but I honestly don't know if they'll be approved.

People tell me I can always do postgraduate Law later, but in Australia the Juris Doctor is incredibly expensive and I'd much rather do undergraduate Law if I had the opportunity.

Now I feel stuck.

Do I keep pushing through Commerce even though I don't really enjoy it?

Do I finish International Security as a single degree?

Do I somehow try to improve my GPA enough to transfer into Law?

Or have I simply missed my opportunity?

Another thing is that I'm not sure whether I genuinely don't enjoy Commerce as a degree, or whether it has become associated with the anxiety and what was honestly the worst period of my life. At the same time, Commerce seems like a much more employable degree than International Security, even though I'm much better at International Security.

I think what scares me most is that I want to have a successful career and build a good life for myself. I have big aspirations and probably put too much pressure on myself. I'd love to work overseas one day and have a meaningful, successful career, but right now I feel like I've spent the last two years trying to recover from mental health issues instead of actually moving forward, and I feel like I've gone badly off track before my adult life has even really begun.

I recently met with the Dean of Students, who said my late withdrawal application would most likely not be approved because I don't have medical certificates from that period. The problem is that my anxiety and mental health were so bad at the time that I couldn't even bring myself to see a doctor. Ironically, that's now making it much harder to explain what happened.

At the moment I just feel completely lost. If the late withdrawal isn't approved, I honestly don't know what my next step should be.

Has anyone else had a rough start at university, changed direction later, or managed to transfer into a degree after damaging their GPA?

I'm not really looking for sympathy. I know my decisions are ultimately my responsibility. I just feel lost, and I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've been in a similar situation or have advice on where they'd go from here.

Sorry if this was a bit of a ramble. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I’m honestly at a breaking point socially and mentally and I really need advice or perspective from people who may have gone through something similar.

For context, I’m currently in my third year at university living at college. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and self-esteem issues for years, and I feel like it keeps ruining my ability to make and maintain friendships.

In my first semester of university I lived at home and commuted to campus. I found it really difficult to connect with people because most people were living on campus and already forming friendship groups. In second semester of first year I moved into a catered college hall, but I was already going through some personal issues at the time and my social anxiety was really bad.

Because I moved in halfway through the year, it felt like everyone had already found their people. I mostly hung around the guys on my floor, but I found it hard to relax and connect with them properly. Eventually I found out some of them thought I was weird, which completely destroyed my confidence. I ended up isolating myself badly. I stopped going down to meals because I felt uncomfortable around everyone and basically stayed in my room surviving on cereal for like 3–4 months.

The next year I transferred to a different residential college within the same uni, where one of my close friends from high school (who had taken a gap year) was starting. Things initially went much better. In the first week I made around 3–4 good friends and started going out partying with people at college.

But early on I got quite drunk one night and went up talking to some girls. One of the girls helped me get back to college as I was stumbling and very drunk, and I had my arm around her and another guy for support to keep me standing. I genuinely wasn’t trying to hit on them, I’m just a very conversational/happy drunk, but apparently they interpreted it badly and thought I was being too forward. One of my new friends later told me the girls didn’t like me after that.

Once I heard that, I became very self-conscious and basically avoided interacting with them because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable if they already disliked me. Over time though, it seems like that whole girls group ended up disliking me anyway, and they also became close friends with another guy in our broader group who seems to genuinely hate me for reasons I still don’t fully understand.

Fast forward to now (end of first semester of third year), and everything has kind of blown up socially.

This guy has apparently been gossiping heavily about me behind my back for a long time. Pretty much everyone in the wider group knows he dislikes me. Recently I found out that he and my high school friend had formally planned a China trip together and invited multiple other guys from the group except me. We had previously talked a bit about wanting to go to China together, so I was confused why I wasn’t hearing much about the trip.

I eventually found out the guy straight up said he didn’t want me there.

At the same time, two of the three people I was originally supposed to sharehouse with next year (including my high school friend of around 7 years) secretly made plans to replace me with the same guy who dislikes me.

I had a direct conversation with them recently and they basically confirmed that they agreed with him socially. They said they think I come across as socially anxious/withdrawn and that the girls group doesn’t like me either. They also said they were worried it would make hosting parties and social events at the sharehouse awkward if I was living there.

They kept saying things like, “This isn’t personal." “We still want to be friends.” “This is just a social decision.”

But honestly I don’t know how I’m supposed to not take that personally.

Especially because I’ve now realised there’s been a lot more gossiping about me behind my back than I initially knew, including from people I considered close friends. I would genuinely never do this to them.

One of my friends in the original sharehouse plans (who almost got replaced too) has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this and defended me heavily during the conversations, which I’m really grateful for. But he’s still most likely going on the China trip and living with them because otherwise he’d basically have nobody else to live with, which I understand.

But I’m honestly terrified now of losing him too, because at this point I feel like I’ve slowly become socially pushed out of the only real friend group I had at university.

What also makes this harder is that there’s a wider group of probably another 6 or so guys who I’m still friendly with, but now I genuinely don’t know how they feel about me either. The two/three guys involved in all of this are kind of central socially in the broader circle, so now I feel uncomfortable hanging around the wider group because I know the guys who dislike me are there too and I feel hyper-aware of how I’m being perceived. Even though I know these other guys like me at least a bit, i feel like they wouldn't hangout with me on a whim if the guy who hates me gossips behind my back to them.

I keep overthinking things like:

• whether everyone secretly agrees with them,
• whether people are just tolerating me,
• whether everyone thinks I’m weird socially,
• or whether I’m slowly being phased out socially without people directly saying it.

Prior to me learning this new info, at this new college I've always been really fine standing my own in group settings when its just the guys in the group when i'm comfortable with them and having chats and hanging out, its just when that one girls group is around I'm aware they don't like me so I quiet and seem very socially anxious.

What’s messing with my head is that this genuinely feels like a pattern in my life socially. I try hard to fit in, but my anxiety makes me withdraw and overthink everything, and then eventually I feel like people start seeing me as weird or socially off. Then I become even more anxious and isolated afterwards.

I feel like I’m trapped in this cycle: anxiety, awkwardness, withdrawal, gossip/exclusion, then more anxiety.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m the problem, if I’m surrounded by immature people or at least people who don't really value me highly, or if it’s some combination of both.

Part of me is honestly considering moving back home and commuting to uni again because I feel so mentally exhausted and uncomfortable socially at college now.

I know this post is long, but I honestly just feel blindsided and lost. Why does this keep happening to me socially? Is this normal college politics and social anxiety feeding each other, or is there something fundamentally wrong with how I come across to people?

And most importantly: how do I actually rebuild socially from this point without becoming even more withdrawn and isolated?

I’m honestly at a breaking point socially and mentally and I really need advice or perspective from people who may have gone through something similar.

For context, I’m currently in my third year at university living at college. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and self-esteem issues for years, and I feel like it keeps ruining my ability to make and maintain friendships.

In my first semester of university I lived at home and commuted to campus. I found it really difficult to connect with people because most people were living on campus and already forming friendship groups. In second semester of first year I moved into a catered college hall, but I was already going through some personal issues at the time and my social anxiety was really bad.

Because I moved in halfway through the year, it felt like everyone had already found their people. I mostly hung around the guys on my floor, but I found it hard to relax and connect with them properly. Eventually I found out some of them thought I was weird, which completely destroyed my confidence. I ended up isolating myself badly. I stopped going down to meals because I felt uncomfortable around everyone and basically stayed in my room surviving on cereal for like 3–4 months.

The next year I transferred to a different residential college within the same uni, where one of my close friends from high school (who had taken a gap year) was starting. Things initially went much better. In the first week I made around 3–4 good friends and started going out partying with people at college.

But early on I got quite drunk one night and went up talking to some girls. One of the girls helped me get back to college as I was stumbling and very drunk, and I had my arm around her and another guy for support to keep me standing. I genuinely wasn’t trying to hit on them, I’m just a very conversational/happy drunk, but apparently they interpreted it badly and thought I was being too forward. One of my new friends later told me the girls didn’t like me after that.

Once I heard that, I became very self-conscious and basically avoided interacting with them because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable if they already disliked me. Over time though, it seems like that whole girls group ended up disliking me anyway, and they also became close friends with another guy in our broader group who seems to genuinely hate me for reasons I still don’t fully understand.

Fast forward to now (end of first semester of third year), and everything has kind of blown up socially.

This guy has apparently been gossiping heavily about me behind my back for a long time. Pretty much everyone in the wider group knows he dislikes me. Recently I found out that he and my high school friend had formally planned a China trip together and invited multiple other guys from the group except me. We had previously talked a bit about wanting to go to China together, so I was confused why I wasn’t hearing much about the trip.

I eventually found out the guy straight up said he didn’t want me there.

At the same time, two of the three people I was originally supposed to sharehouse with next year (including my high school friend of around 7 years) secretly made plans to replace me with the same guy who dislikes me.

I had a direct conversation with them recently and they basically confirmed that they agreed with him socially. They said they think I come across as socially anxious/withdrawn and that the girls group doesn’t like me either. They also said they were worried it would make hosting parties and social events at the sharehouse awkward if I was living there.

They kept saying things like, “This isn’t personal." “We still want to be friends.” “This is just a social decision.”

But honestly I don’t know how I’m supposed to not take that personally.

Especially because I’ve now realised there’s been a lot more gossiping about me behind my back than I initially knew, including from people I considered close friends. I would genuinely never do this to them.

One of my friends in the original sharehouse plans (who almost got replaced too) has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this and defended me heavily during the conversations, which I’m really grateful for. But he’s still most likely going on the China trip and living with them because otherwise he’d basically have nobody else to live with, which I understand.

But I’m honestly terrified now of losing him too, because at this point I feel like I’ve slowly become socially pushed out of the only real friend group I had at university.

What also makes this harder is that there’s a wider group of probably another 6 or so guys who I’m still friendly with, but now I genuinely don’t know how they feel about me either. The two/three guys involved in all of this are kind of central socially in the broader circle, so now I feel uncomfortable hanging around the wider group because I know the guys who dislike me are there too and I feel hyper-aware of how I’m being perceived. Even though I know these other guys like me at least a bit, i feel like they wouldn't hangout with me on a whim if the guy who hates me gossips behind my back to them.

I keep overthinking things like:

• whether everyone secretly agrees with them,
• whether people are just tolerating me,
• whether everyone thinks I’m weird socially,
• or whether I’m slowly being phased out socially without people directly saying it.

Prior to me learning this new info, at this new college I've always been really fine standing my own in group settings when its just the guys in the group when i'm comfortable with them and having chats and hanging out, its just when that one girls group is around I'm aware they don't like me so I quiet and seem very socially anxious.

What’s messing with my head is that this genuinely feels like a pattern in my life socially. I try hard to fit in, but my anxiety makes me withdraw and overthink everything, and then eventually I feel like people start seeing me as weird or socially off. Then I become even more anxious and isolated afterwards.

I feel like I’m trapped in this cycle: anxiety, awkwardness, withdrawal, gossip/exclusion, then more anxiety.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m the problem, if I’m surrounded by immature people or at least people who don't really value me highly, or if it’s some combination of both.

Part of me is honestly considering moving back home and commuting to uni again because I feel so mentally exhausted and uncomfortable socially at college now.

I know this post is long, but I honestly just feel blindsided and lost. Why does this keep happening to me socially? Is this normal college politics and social anxiety feeding each other, or is there something fundamentally wrong with how I come across to people?

And most importantly: how do I actually rebuild socially from this point without becoming even more withdrawn and isolated?

I’m honestly at a breaking point socially and mentally and I really need advice or perspective from people who may have gone through something similar.

For context, I’m currently in my third year at university living at college. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and self-esteem issues for years, and I feel like it keeps ruining my ability to make and maintain friendships.

In my first semester of university I lived at home and commuted to campus. I found it really difficult to connect with people because most people were living on campus and already forming friendship groups. In second semester of first year I moved into a catered college hall, but I was already going through some personal issues at the time and my social anxiety was really bad.

Because I moved in halfway through the year, it felt like everyone had already found their people. I mostly hung around the guys on my floor, but I found it hard to relax and connect with them properly. Eventually I found out some of them thought I was weird, which completely destroyed my confidence. I ended up isolating myself badly. I stopped going down to meals because I felt uncomfortable around everyone and basically stayed in my room surviving on cereal for like 3–4 months.

The next year I transferred to a different residential college within the same uni, where one of my close friends from high school (who had taken a gap year) was starting. Things initially went much better. In the first week I made around 3–4 good friends and started going out partying with people at college.

But early on I got quite drunk one night and went up talking to some girls. One of the girls helped me get back to college as I was stumbling and very drunk, and I had my arm around her and another guy for support to keep me standing. I genuinely wasn’t trying to hit on them, I’m just a very conversational/happy drunk, but apparently they interpreted it badly and thought I was being too forward. One of my new friends later told me the girls didn’t like me after that.

Once I heard that, I became very self-conscious and basically avoided interacting with them because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable if they already disliked me. Over time though, it seems like that whole girls group ended up disliking me anyway, and they also became close friends with another guy in our broader group who seems to genuinely hate me for reasons I still don’t fully understand.

Fast forward to now (end of first semester of third year), and everything has kind of blown up socially.

This guy has apparently been gossiping heavily about me behind my back for a long time. Pretty much everyone in the wider group knows he dislikes me. Recently I found out that he and my high school friend had formally planned a China trip together and invited multiple other guys from the group except me. We had previously talked a bit about wanting to go to China together, so I was confused why I wasn’t hearing much about the trip.

I eventually found out the guy straight up said he didn’t want me there.

At the same time, two of the three people I was originally supposed to sharehouse with next year (including my high school friend of around 7 years) secretly made plans to replace me with the same guy who dislikes me.

I had a direct conversation with them recently and they basically confirmed that they agreed with him socially. They said they think I come across as socially anxious/withdrawn and that the girls group doesn’t like me either. They also said they were worried it would make hosting parties and social events at the sharehouse awkward if I was living there.

They kept saying things like, “This isn’t personal." “We still want to be friends.” “This is just a social decision.”

But honestly I don’t know how I’m supposed to not take that personally.

Especially because I’ve now realised there’s been a lot more gossiping about me behind my back than I initially knew, including from people I considered close friends. I would genuinely never do this to them.

One of my friends in the original sharehouse plans (who almost got replaced too) has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this and defended me heavily during the conversations, which I’m really grateful for. But he’s still most likely going on the China trip and living with them because otherwise he’d basically have nobody else to live with, which I understand.

But I’m honestly terrified now of losing him too, because at this point I feel like I’ve slowly become socially pushed out of the only real friend group I had at university.

What also makes this harder is that there’s a wider group of probably another 6 or so guys who I’m still friendly with, but now I genuinely don’t know how they feel about me either. The two/three guys involved in all of this are kind of central socially in the broader circle, so now I feel uncomfortable hanging around the wider group because I know the guys who dislike me are there too and I feel hyper-aware of how I’m being perceived. Even though I know these other guys like me at least a bit, i feel like they wouldn't hangout with me on a whim if the guy who hates me gossips behind my back to them.

I keep overthinking things like:

• whether everyone secretly agrees with them,
• whether people are just tolerating me,
• whether everyone thinks I’m weird socially,
• or whether I’m slowly being phased out socially without people directly saying it.

Prior to me learning this new info, at this new college I've always been really fine standing my own in group settings when its just the guys in the group when i'm comfortable with them and having chats and hanging out, its just when that one girls group is around I'm aware they don't like me so I quiet and seem very socially anxious.

What’s messing with my head is that this genuinely feels like a pattern in my life socially. I try hard to fit in, but my anxiety makes me withdraw and overthink everything, and then eventually I feel like people start seeing me as weird or socially off. Then I become even more anxious and isolated afterwards.

I feel like I’m trapped in this cycle: anxiety, awkwardness, withdrawal, gossip/exclusion, then more anxiety.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m the problem, if I’m surrounded by immature people or at least people who don't really value me highly, or if it’s some combination of both.

Part of me is honestly considering moving back home and commuting to uni again because I feel so mentally exhausted and uncomfortable socially at college now.

I know this post is long, but I honestly just feel blindsided and lost. Why does this keep happening to me socially? Is this normal college politics and social anxiety feeding each other, or is there something fundamentally wrong with how I come across to people?

And most importantly: how do I actually rebuild socially from this point without becoming even more withdrawn and isolated?

I’m honestly at a breaking point socially and mentally and I really need advice or perspective from people who may have gone through something similar.

For context, I’m currently in my third year at university living at college. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and self-esteem issues for years, and I feel like it keeps ruining my ability to make and maintain friendships.

In my first semester of university I lived at home and commuted to campus. I found it really difficult to connect with people because most people were living on campus and already forming friendship groups. In second semester of first year I moved into a catered college hall, but I was already going through some personal issues at the time and my social anxiety was really bad.

Because I moved in halfway through the year, it felt like everyone had already found their people. I mostly hung around the guys on my floor, but I found it hard to relax and connect with them properly. Eventually I found out some of them thought I was weird, which completely destroyed my confidence. I ended up isolating myself badly. I stopped going down to meals because I felt uncomfortable around everyone and basically stayed in my room surviving on cereal for like 3–4 months.

The next year I transferred to a different residential college within the same uni, where one of my close friends from high school (who had taken a gap year) was starting. Things initially went much better. In the first week I made around 3–4 good friends and started going out partying with people at college.

But early on I got quite drunk one night and went up talking to some girls. One of the girls helped me get back to college as I was stumbling and very drunk, and I had my arm around her and another guy for support to keep me standing. I genuinely wasn’t trying to hit on them, I’m just a very conversational/happy drunk, but apparently they interpreted it badly and thought I was being too forward. One of my new friends later told me the girls didn’t like me after that.

Once I heard that, I became very self-conscious and basically avoided interacting with them because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable if they already disliked me. Over time though, it seems like that whole girls group ended up disliking me anyway, and they also became close friends with another guy in our broader group who seems to genuinely hate me for reasons I still don’t fully understand.

Fast forward to now (end of first semester of third year), and everything has kind of blown up socially.

This guy has apparently been gossiping heavily about me behind my back for a long time. Pretty much everyone in the wider group knows he dislikes me. Recently I found out that he and my high school friend had formally planned a China trip together and invited multiple other guys from the group except me. We had previously talked a bit about wanting to go to China together, so I was confused why I wasn’t hearing much about the trip.

I eventually found out the guy straight up said he didn’t want me there.

At the same time, two of the three people I was originally supposed to sharehouse with next year (including my high school friend of around 7 years) secretly made plans to replace me with the same guy who dislikes me.

I had a direct conversation with them recently and they basically confirmed that they agreed with him socially. They said they think I come across as socially anxious/withdrawn and that the girls group doesn’t like me either. They also said they were worried it would make hosting parties and social events at the sharehouse awkward if I was living there.

They kept saying things like, “This isn’t personal." “We still want to be friends.” “This is just a social decision.”

But honestly I don’t know how I’m supposed to not take that personally.

Especially because I’ve now realised there’s been a lot more gossiping about me behind my back than I initially knew, including from people I considered close friends. I would genuinely never do this to them.

One of my friends in the original sharehouse plans (who almost got replaced too) has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this and defended me heavily during the conversations, which I’m really grateful for. But he’s still most likely going on the China trip and living with them because otherwise he’d basically have nobody else to live with, which I understand.

But I’m honestly terrified now of losing him too, because at this point I feel like I’ve slowly become socially pushed out of the only real friend group I had at university.

What also makes this harder is that there’s a wider group of probably another 6 or so guys who I’m still friendly with, but now I genuinely don’t know how they feel about me either. The two/three guys involved in all of this are kind of central socially in the broader circle, so now I feel uncomfortable hanging around the wider group because I know the guys who dislike me are there too and I feel hyper-aware of how I’m being perceived. Even though I know these other guys like me at least a bit, i feel like they wouldn't hangout with me on a whim if the guy who hates me gossips behind my back to them.

I keep overthinking things like:

• whether everyone secretly agrees with them,
• whether people are just tolerating me,
• whether everyone thinks I’m weird socially,
• or whether I’m slowly being phased out socially without people directly saying it.

Prior to me learning this new info, at this new college I've always been really fine standing my own in group settings when its just the guys in the group when i'm comfortable with them and having chats and hanging out, its just when that one girls group is around I'm aware they don't like me so I quiet and seem very socially anxious.

What’s messing with my head is that this genuinely feels like a pattern in my life socially. I try hard to fit in, but my anxiety makes me withdraw and overthink everything, and then eventually I feel like people start seeing me as weird or socially off. Then I become even more anxious and isolated afterwards.

I feel like I’m trapped in this cycle: anxiety, awkwardness, withdrawal, gossip/exclusion, then more anxiety.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m the problem, if I’m surrounded by immature people or at least people who don't really value me highly, or if it’s some combination of both.

Part of me is honestly considering moving back home and commuting to uni again because I feel so mentally exhausted and uncomfortable socially at college now.

I know this post is long, but I honestly just feel blindsided and lost. Why does this keep happening to me socially? Is this normal college politics and social anxiety feeding each other, or is there something fundamentally wrong with how I come across to people?

And most importantly: how do I actually rebuild socially from this point without becoming even more withdrawn and isolated?

I’m honestly at a breaking point socially and mentally and I really need advice or perspective from people who may have gone through something similar.

For context, I’m currently in my third year at university living at college. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and self-esteem issues for years, and I feel like it keeps ruining my ability to make and maintain friendships.

In my first semester of university I lived at home and commuted to campus. I found it really difficult to connect with people because most people were living on campus and already forming friendship groups. In second semester of first year I moved into a catered college hall, but I was already going through some personal issues at the time and my social anxiety was really bad.

Because I moved in halfway through the year, it felt like everyone had already found their people. I mostly hung around the guys on my floor, but I found it hard to relax and connect with them properly. Eventually I found out some of them thought I was weird, which completely destroyed my confidence. I ended up isolating myself badly. I stopped going down to meals because I felt uncomfortable around everyone and basically stayed in my room surviving on cereal for like 3–4 months.

The next year I transferred to a different residential college within the same uni, where one of my close friends from high school (who had taken a gap year) was starting. Things initially went much better. In the first week I made around 3–4 good friends and started going out partying with people at college.

But early on I got quite drunk one night and went up talking to some girls. One of the girls helped me get back to college as I was stumbling and very drunk, and I had my arm around her and another guy for support to keep me standing. I genuinely wasn’t trying to hit on them, I’m just a very conversational/happy drunk, but apparently they interpreted it badly and thought I was being too forward. One of my new friends later told me the girls didn’t like me after that.

Once I heard that, I became very self-conscious and basically avoided interacting with them because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable if they already disliked me. Over time though, it seems like that whole girls group ended up disliking me anyway, and they also became close friends with another guy in our broader group who seems to genuinely hate me for reasons I still don’t fully understand.

Fast forward to now (end of first semester of third year), and everything has kind of blown up socially.

This guy has apparently been gossiping heavily about me behind my back for a long time. Pretty much everyone in the wider group knows he dislikes me. Recently I found out that he and my high school friend had formally planned a China trip together and invited multiple other guys from the group except me. We had previously talked a bit about wanting to go to China together, so I was confused why I wasn’t hearing much about the trip.

I eventually found out the guy straight up said he didn’t want me there.

At the same time, two of the three people I was originally supposed to sharehouse with next year (including my high school friend of around 7 years) secretly made plans to replace me with the same guy who dislikes me.

I had a direct conversation with them recently and they basically confirmed that they agreed with him socially. They said they think I come across as socially anxious/withdrawn and that the girls group doesn’t like me either. They also said they were worried it would make hosting parties and social events at the sharehouse awkward if I was living there.

They kept saying things like, “This isn’t personal." “We still want to be friends.” “This is just a social decision.”

But honestly I don’t know how I’m supposed to not take that personally.

Especially because I’ve now realised there’s been a lot more gossiping about me behind my back than I initially knew, including from people I considered close friends. I would genuinely never do this to them.

One of my friends in the original sharehouse plans (who almost got replaced too) has been incredibly supportive throughout all of this and defended me heavily during the conversations, which I’m really grateful for. But he’s still most likely going on the China trip and living with them because otherwise he’d basically have nobody else to live with, which I understand.

But I’m honestly terrified now of losing him too, because at this point I feel like I’ve slowly become socially pushed out of the only real friend group I had at university.

What also makes this harder is that there’s a wider group of probably another 6 or so guys who I’m still friendly with, but now I genuinely don’t know how they feel about me either. The two/three guys involved in all of this are kind of central socially in the broader circle, so now I feel uncomfortable hanging around the wider group because I know the guys who dislike me are there too and I feel hyper-aware of how I’m being perceived. Even though I know these other guys like me at least a bit, i feel like they wouldn't hangout with me on a whim if the guy who hates me gossips behind my back to them.

I keep overthinking things like:

• whether everyone secretly agrees with them,
• whether people are just tolerating me,
• whether everyone thinks I’m weird socially,
• or whether I’m slowly being phased out socially without people directly saying it.

Prior to me learning this new info, at this new college I've always been really fine standing my own in group settings when its just the guys in the group when i'm comfortable with them and having chats and hanging out, its just when that one girls group is around I'm aware they don't like me so I quiet and seem very socially anxious.

What’s messing with my head is that this genuinely feels like a pattern in my life socially. I try hard to fit in, but my anxiety makes me withdraw and overthink everything, and then eventually I feel like people start seeing me as weird or socially off. Then I become even more anxious and isolated afterwards.

I feel like I’m trapped in this cycle: anxiety, awkwardness, withdrawal, gossip/exclusion, then more anxiety.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m the problem, if I’m surrounded by immature people or at least people who don't really value me highly, or if it’s some combination of both.

Part of me is honestly considering moving back home and commuting to uni again because I feel so mentally exhausted and uncomfortable socially at college now.

I know this post is long, but I honestly just feel blindsided and lost. Why does this keep happening to me socially? Is this normal college politics and social anxiety feeding each other, or is there something fundamentally wrong with how I come across to people?

And most importantly: how do I actually rebuild socially from this point without becoming even more withdrawn and isolated?

Find the previous post here from yesterday here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/1tb0p1n/what_should_i_do_if_my_university_friend_group_is/

Thanks for all the messages from the previous post they are much appreciated. Here is the update to my previous post because things have escalated and I honestly feel blindsided.

I ended up having a direct conversation with the two guys involved, including my friend from high school who I’ve been close with for around 7 years.

They basically confirmed that they feel the same way as the guy in the group who strongly dislikes me, not necessarily on the strongly disliking me part but the other stuff. They said they don’t want me to go on the China trip, and I’ve now officially been fully replaced in the sharehouse plans for next year.

Their reasoning was mainly social. They said I come across as socially anxious/withdrawn and that a group of girls they’ve become closer with this year (who are also best friends with the guy who dislikes me) don’t like me either. They said they think it would make hosting parties and social events at the sharehouse awkward if I was living there.

This genuinely came completely out of left field for me.

What hurts the most is that they ended the conversation by saying they still want to be friends and that this is “just a social decision” and “not a decision about me as a person.” But honestly I don’t really know how I’m supposed to separate the two. It feels incredibly personal.

I also realised during this conversation that there’s clearly been a lot more gossiping about me behind my back than I initially realised, including from people I considered close friends. That part especially hurts because I would genuinely never do this to them.

One thing I am grateful for is that the one friend in the original sharehouse plans who almost got replaced as well backed me up heavily during the conversation and has honestly been my rock throughout all of this. He’s still most likely going to live with them next year, which I completely understand because otherwise he wouldn’t really have anyone else to live with, and I don’t hold that against him at all. He’s consistently had my back through this entire situation, unlike one of the other guys despite us being childhood friends.

I honestly don’t know what to do now. I already struggle badly with social anxiety and self-esteem, and this whole thing has made me feel even more self-conscious and unwanted socially. I feel like now every time I go to a social event or gathering I’ll just be thinking about how these people apparently see me behind the scenes.

Part of me is even considering moving back home and commuting to uni instead of staying at college, since I live in the same city anyway. I just feel mentally exhausted and really isolated right now.

They were basically my main friend group and now I feel stranded socially. I also don’t know whether the wider group of guys feels the same way about me too, even though I’m less close with them and the guy who strongly doesn't like me is a notorious gossiper who i think will turn the wider group against me, and I'm easy pickings because I'm not a gossiper or shit talker. I don't know how its going to be possible for me to make other friends now.

I'm additionally mutual friends with friends from high school who I still talk to and hangout with, with this guy from highschool. So i don't know what to say to them or if I feel comfortable hanging out with them with this guy again.

Sorry if this is a long post, I genuinely don’t know how to process all this or what the healthiest move forward is. Any advice would honestly be appreciated. Thank you.

I’m in my third year at university living at college and I’m feeling pretty lost socially at the moment.

I’ve been close friends with a guy since high school and we’ve been living together at college. We had talked a bit about how we both wanted to go to China and then recently he made formal plans with another guy in our group who I mutually don’t get along with to go to China and has invited multiple other guys from the group besides me. I was wondering why I hadn't heard much about the trip or been formally invited yet only to find out the following.

The issue is this guy seems to genuinely hate me for reasons I honestly still don’t fully understand. He’s apparently been heavily gossiping about me behind my back for a while, and pretty much everyone in the wider group (around 10 guys) knows he dislikes me. I don’t know exactly what’s been said, but it’s obvious there’s been a narrative building about me socially.

Apparently he straight up said he doesn’t want me coming on the China trip, and my longtime friend hasn’t really backed me up or said he wants me there.

Now I’ve also found out that two of the three friends I was planning to get a sharehouse with next year, including the friend I’ve known since high school, are instead moving in with that same guy and made the plans behind my back without including me.

What also hurts is that the one other friend who I’m still close with, who we had originally agreed would be part of the sharehouse too, was apparently blindsided by all this as well. From what I’ve heard, the guy who dislikes me even tried to replace him too.

We only found all this out because a trustworthy mutual friend told us what’s been happening behind the scenes. The guy I don’t get along with and my high school friend don’t know the full extent of what I know, but from everything I’ve heard it’s pretty clear my longtime friend hasn’t really been backing me up or advocating for me privately either.

I think what’s making this hit harder is that I already struggle socially. I have pretty bad social anxiety and I find it really difficult to break out of my existing friend group and meet new people. I also have a lot of insecurity about my appearance/self-esteem which probably makes me withdraw even more socially.

The whole thing has made me feel pretty replaceable and honestly like maybe these friendships weren’t as close as I thought they were.

I know university friend groups change, but I genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do from here. I’m scared of becoming isolated because I’m not naturally someone who can just walk into new groups and make friends easily. I'm concerned if i lose them as my friends, and since it already took so long for me to make them my friends, that I wouldn't be able to break into another group. 

Has anyone else gone through something similar at uni/college? How did you rebuild socially when your main group started drifting away from you? What should I do if you were in my situation? I really need advice.