u/KeyAd6849

Hello! I am new to this community, so I figured I would make a general post giving some context and background to what is going on with me. Hopefully some of this resonates and maybe I can get some advice/insight/good conversations with people in a similar place or ever deeper on this path than I am.

So I don’t come from any school of meditation, any spiritual background, never meditated (in the traditional sense), and all of this was literally the last thing on my mind. That is, until a near death experience 2.5 years ago that completely changed me. It was something so insane that the “me” I had known my whole life cracked completely open. Afterwards there was a lot of PTSD, Trauma, therapy, health anxiety, mental suffering, suicidal Ideation. My life was going downhill fast. During this time I was desperate. Looking for anything and everything to get me out of that place. I read “Hope and help for your nerves” by Dr Claire Weekes, and the idea of separating yourself from your thoughts interested me, as an idea.

Then one day, in one split instant, something clicked, and this was no longer an idea. A gap opened up between “me” and the thoughts. At this point I did not have the clarity to truly understand what was happening, but felt a weird sense of wellbeing, and was happy for a few weeks. Life and outer circumstances quickly pulled me back into my “regular” headspace, like before the NDE, but just with more perspective and compassion.

This is when I started to get into spirituality. Something about Eastern philosophy just felt..natural to me. Buddhism, and then Zen Buddhism, and then Taoism, and then I discovered Krishnamurti, and then finally I read “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. This book blew the whole thing open again. The Ego was realized fully, and that glimpse of the “witness” state became fully integrated and embodied. The mind is much quieter now. The self reflexive thoughts are at a minimum. That sense of wellbeing is now much more in the foreground, psychological time is fully realized for the illusion that it is, and nature and other people have a completely different look and quality. Almost like I can sense the underlying current of life underneath every living thing.

And then there are times, glimpses again, where the space I recognize myself as comes alive, and the division between the reality I’m looking at, and the observer thin out to almost nothing. I feel this tingling in my heart and there is this ultimate quality of love, awareness and life. This is hard to put into words.

So yeah, this is where I’m at. I am SO much happier now. I could have never imagined a state of consciousness like this in a million years. It’s truly wild, and amazing, but also so natural.

Eventually you suffer so bad that you say no. The ultimate no. The cosmic no. Not as a thought but from somewhere deeper - the heart. With this no you die to yourself completely.

Living is dying. The continual process of ending habits, beliefs, conditioned behavior, negativity, until all that is left is truth. And it’s beautiful.

Hi! In this post I will attempt to describe the depth layers of consciousness. I will be using a loose framework based on the work of Dr. Jeffrey Martin and DMN mapping, synthesized with my own direct experience of these layers. A few disclaimers - this is all very conceptual, subjective and loose, its an attempt to describe the indescribable. Also - conciousness expands and contracts, so it’s common to move back and forth between layers, often in the same day, hour, minute. So, that being said, let’s begin.

Layer 1 - Mind

This is the layer we are all familiar with. The conditioned human default layer. This is the realm of the “me” - language, emotions, self reflexive thoughts, concepts, intellectualizing, and most importantly, psychological time - our image of the past and future. All of Reddit, and this whole post, is Layer 1, and I’m speaking from layer 1 right now. Psychological time, in particular, is what is keeping 99.9% (ballpark) of humanity “trapped” in this layer. They can understand it as a concept, but not directly perceive it, and therefore cannot break through it and go beyond. I feel like I don’t need to go into this one much, as the person reading this is most likely in this state of consciousness already. One thing to note - for any layer beyond this one, the description is not the described, and one must experience it directly.

Layer 2 - Spaciousness

This layer is a step deeper, and where I am currently stabilized at. It’s characterized as feeling like the witness, or the observer, of your own thoughts and emotions. The “me” narrative is still playing, but you are watching it from a detached place of quiet calmness, almost like sitting back and watching your own mind do its thing. This is where one realizes they are not their thoughts, and that fundamentally they *are* that quiet space sitting behind the thoughts themselves. Certain things, like intense rumination, fear, or pressure from the outside world can pull you directly back into layer 1, and you can remain there for a long time, depending on how stabilized into layer 2 you are. It’s common for someone to realize layer 2, but then get pulled back into layer 1 and remain there the rest of their life. Also, popping into layer 2 without clarity and stabilization can be a jarring experience. The ego will start screaming to come back to the foreground, often invoking feelings of going insane, triggering a panic attack and putting you immediately back in layer 1.

Layer 3 - Awareness

This is the layer that I get transient glimpses of, usually every day, but not always. This is when that “space” that you recognize yourself as in layer 2 comes alive. It’s the awareness that everything you are looking at, is also that same space you recognize yourself as. This is the beginning of ego dissolution, where the division between “you” (the observer from layer 2) and the observed (the reality you are observing) thins out to practically nothing. This is reminiscent of the classic conceptual layer 1 “enlightenment” experience, where there is just awareness of source, of life itself. There is boundless beauty and joy in every living thing, and psychological time does not exist. It’s bliss, and there is love. For me personally, there are still thoughts, but not the usual narrative thoughts observed in layer 2, more like single words here and there - like “wow”, “beauty”, “Life”, “ah” that dissipate back into awareness itself quickly after arising. This layer is extremely hard to put into words. After the glimpse, layer 1 then comes back online and starts to contextualize what just occurred, which is then observed in layer 2.

Layer 4 - Life/Existence

This is not something I have experienced directly, and can only talk about from a layer 1 perspective. So, I might as well use the Jeffrey Martin/Google definition - “This is the least differentiated layer, at this depth, perception drops all constructs of ‘someone being aware’. Instead, there is only the raw, undifferentiated fact of existence or life moving through itself”. That’s all I got for this lol as I truly have no idea what this is like.

Wrapping this all up, I hope this was informative and maybe some of you can resonate with these layers and talk about your own experience with them. Looking forward to some good conversations!

It’s quite obvious to see that Mankind, since the very beginning, has cultivated psychological time as a means to escape pain/punishment, and move towards pleasure/reward/achievement.

A primitive example of this would be: “I’m cold this morning, this is unpleasant to me, if I build a fire, then tonight I’ll be warm”. Psychological time. Simple, logical, and necessary for our species to problem solve and advance technologically the way we did.

The tragedy is - over the many thousands of years, we’ve let this psychological time seep inwardly, into the realm of conciousness and the self.

“I’m depressed, lonely and feel like a loser, if I do/accomplish XYZ, then I’ll feel better about myself” It’s the exact same movement, but turned inwardly. And see, the problem with that is, now someone struggles a year, 20 years, 30 years, a lifetime, trying to accomplish whatever, while the whole time being depressed, lonely, and thinking they are a loser. And even if they accomplish the thing, then there’s the next thing, and the next. This is the cycle of suffering. It’s a time trap. And it’s endless.

Awakening is breaking that cycle. The ending of mind made fear and suffering happens NOW. Not tomorrow, and not by accomplishing anything external - but by realizing the very nature of inward psychological time, and ending it.

If you really pay attention, it’s obvious to see that almost everyone, everywhere, is preoccupied. Preoccupied with what they’re doing, where they are going, what they are talking about, who they’re talking to, their own thoughts, their phone, their AirPods, etc.

This preoccupation is always centered around the self, and often goal oriented. It’s how we normally walk around: with the notion that this is our life, and we’re ourselves, and today is another day in the story of our life.

While this “me” story is at the forefront of our consciousness, ordinary things like trees and water and the sky become backround props in that story. We see them, but we quickly put them in a conceptual box and keep moving. The same with other people, “strangers” are just props in our own story, and we don’t pay them much attention.

When this story quiets down, which can *only* happen when it is truly realized for the illusion it is, then you can look at life in all of its beauty and complexity. Something like a tree you would walk right past, looks extremely different, like you are seeing it for the very first time. The same with other people, you can directly perceive their state of consciousness because you aren’t distracted by their outward appearance or how you look in their eyes. Life just….comes to life in a way that’s impossible to describe in words.

The image we have of the future in our mind is not the actual chronological future. They are two distinct entities, obviously.

What that image is, is the past extrapolated in order to predict the imagined future. Like an algorithm. We need that imagined future in order to do literally anything (we need to think it first, create the image, and then move towards that image). So, aspects of that imagined future are the basis for the actual chronological future. On both an individual and collective level.

This prediction algorithm never stops - because it’s “you”. Without it, there would be no continuity, and one could not have an identity across time. When a person becomes conscious of this process, it becomes so obvious how mechanical it is. One can then step out of this entirely, and witness the true present moment, untethered to past and future. And it’s beautiful.

Since awakening, I genuinely do not experience egoic separation. I see humanity as one, and in that realization, I see right through the illusory concept of a “stranger”. I will talk to whoever, whenever about whatever. Just a complete open book.

The thing I keep reminding myself though, is just because I don’t experience separation, other people most definitely do, and it’s important to respect other’s boundaries. Just because an illusion is realized, that doesn’t mean it goes away. After all, the root word of illusion is “something you play with”.

So my question is - for those who know what I’m talking about, how do you navigate, or “play with” egoic separation, while knowing the truth deep down?

I’ve realized meditation is essential for me. That state of oneness, where the observer is the observed, is how one can truly learn about life. It’s also how one can perceive true beauty.

K talks about how the root word of alone is literally all-one. Whole. I get that now.

I assume most of us this sub are aware of the concept of an attachment. I wanted to make a post going into the nature and structure of what an attachment really is, from what I’ve observed directly in myself, to see if it resonates, and to get different perspectives.

Firstly, the word “attachment” is not the actual thing. Calling it that automatically puts it in that conceptual box, but alas we must communicate.

From what I’ve observed, an attachment is a movement of thought and time. A trigger that causes a specific psychological series of events.

Basically we have two modes - awareness, the unconditioned state, our true nature, where everything is one, time does not exist, and there is no separate thinker apart from the experience. And then thought/time, the usual conditioned state we all know and love, where we identify with our thoughts and are constantly, both consciously and unconsciously, predicting the future based on our past experience and knowledge. Completely blind to the present, and fully caught in the separate “I”.

Once you’ve not only glimpsed awareness, but are aware of awareness itself. Then an attachment becomes very clear and noticeable: An attachment is something that has the ability to pull you out of awareness, and back into thought/time.

This is not inherently a “bad” thing. There’s positive thought/time, neutral thought/time, and negative thought/time (otherwise known as suffering). Most of us walk around in neutral thought/time. Going about our days practically, thinking about what we have to do, what we did, how it relates, imagining things, thinking about ideas, our regular baseline. A fun event in the future, such as a party or wedding, can put you in positive thought/time, thinking about how it’s gonna go, all the scenarios, who’s gonna be there, how fun it’s gonna be etc. Something else, like a specific situation, a “what if” worry, something happening to a loved one or yourself, can put you in negative thought/time. Of course what does what is highly personalized for each individual, but the basic structure is always the same: you wind up in thought/time. One can even be aware of the fact that they are in thought/time, but if the attachment is strong, and particularly if it puts you in negative thought/time, that will not matter.

I know this was long winded but I’d love to hear other’s thoughts and perspectives.

Today I found myself taking a step back and thinking about the fact that awakening is totally real and like….an actual thing. Something I would have been sooo skeptical about, something that has such a “mystical” air about it, a thousands year old spiritual…state…is like a totally real human experience a person can have. And it’s so natural. And it happened to me. That kind of blows my mind.

It’s like solving an ancient mystery, only the me who “solved” it is seen for what it is completely.

Do any of you ever reflect on that?

There is a state of mind completely free of words. In which, the thinker, experiencer, identity, whatever you want to call it - is completely one with the experience.

Thought, which is words, and also you, comes to a stop, and there is just the experience. My nickname for it is “painting vision”, because everything looks so beautiful, like a painting. But that’s not exactly accurate, because a painting is dead. The oneness I’m talking about is alive, dripping with stillness and beauty. It is life itself.

It is also learning. It’s like life is a book and you are reading it in real time. Like a story you are paying absolute attention to. Without the filter of thought and judgement, you see things about humanity that are impossible to see in the usual conditioned state. From the state of complete not knowing, true learning arises.

Even this very post, trying to describe the state, gets in the way of the thing because it’s the separate thinker, creating division between the description and the described.

I’d like to talk about this state with people. Does anyone have any experiences?

Krishnamurti has his famous line “Where there is division, there must be conflict”.

I don’t agree with that fully. I’ve seen multiple instances of division both inwardly and outwardly, where there is no conflict. Two distinct abstractions that live in perfect harmony.

I think division invites the possibility of conflict for sure, but to say it always breeds conflict is an absolute that I think misses a lot of the nuance of life. Perhaps this is K’s own conditioning speaking. He came of age and lived his life during an incredible period of global conflict. Both world wars, countless proxy wars and all that.

This is just an observation and I could be totally wrong or missing something here but would love to hear other’s thoughts!

TW: Near Death Experience. TW: Medical Trauma

Hey everyone. I’ve been on this sub for a little while now, met some really cool people, and learned a whole lot. I think it’s time I shared my awakening story. The full thing, for whoever is curious. This is a rather long story, so don’t feel like you need to read it all. I’m also going to focus mainly on the spiritual aspects, and skip a large majority of the medical stuff, as that’s not as relevant. Also - please, as the trigger warnings above suggest, this story is a bit scary from a medical perspective, so if that stuff freaks you out I would really recommend not reading. But if not, read on:

The Beginning

This story starts in late 2023. I was a drug addict of sorts, well a burgeoning one at least. Dabbling in things I shouldn’t be, trying to escape my own mind, trying to escape the whole world. One day I was bored and randomly remembered that Kratom existed. I had never done it before so I did some preliminary research and I was off to the nearest bodega. I asked the guy what he recommended, and he pointed to a package of capsules labeled “OPMS Gold” and said people liked those. So I bought some. These capsules got me really messed up (which was great) so I bought more and did it a lot over a period of 2 weeks.

Then one night I got really sick. This is not your usual type of sick where things come on gradually - I went from completely fine to fever, chills, headache, stomach ache, fatigue, in a literal instant. I collapsed on the couch and all I could say to my gf was “fever”. I woke up, and for the next few days dealt with what I thought was the worst stomach flu I’ve ever had. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t move. It got maybe a little bit better over the course of a week, but I noticed my pee was a weird dark color. At a certain point it was just getting too weird, so I called my mom. She said go to urgent care and get a blood test. So I went. The doctor reassured me it was a stomach flu, gave me nausea medicine, and took my blood because I insisted.

That night I get a panicked call from the urgent care, basically telling me my liver numbers (ALT, AST, Bilirubin) were off the charts insane, and to go to the emergency room right now. So I got in the car and took myself and my gf to the ER, where we met my parents. In the harsh yellow light of the ER, I noticed my skin was turning yellow. I started to freak tf out, this was just too insane. The ER doctors were genuinely confused, they continued to monitor as my liver numbers rose, they asked me all sorts of questions. They were thinking it was a few different cancers, and also possibly a gallbladder issue, and I might have to get that removed. They needed to admit me to figure it out. It was about 3AM in the ER. My gf and I started talking, and eventually one of us said “could this be from the Kratom?” We then looked it up and the whole medical picture started making sense. I had poisoned myself. I told the ER doctor (who scribbled the word Kratom on a napkin and then did the same google search we just did) who then said the doctors upstairs will figure it out. I was admitted, and given all sorts tests, MRI’s and the works. The consensus was it was the Kratom. My numbers had started to stabilize on Sunday (I arrived at the ER on Friday) so they discharged me.

The Dreams

I got home not knowing what to think. I was bright yellow (like BRIGHT, like glowing). And thinking things were going to go back to normal. One night soon after I was discharged, I had a dream:

It was more vivid than any dream I’ve ever had. I was in a vault of some sort, almost like gringots from Harry Potter but more sterile and clean. Friends from childhood were in the vault with me. I looked down and I saw an envelope with golden money in it. Shining so bright, like life itself. I immediately recognized this as the gift it was, and asked “why did I find this? Why not any of my friends? Why ME?”

I woke up. Thought wow that was a weird dream. And was honestly very perplexed by it. A few days went by, I was still very sick and yellow. One night I went to bed and had the same dream. Same vividness, same exact vault. Except this time there was a voice. This voice knew me - my every action, my every thought. It’s like it was looking at a cosmic scale that was my life, and it said “I’m not sure if he deserves this, he has more to go through” referring to the envelope with the golden money.

I woke up feeling very anxious. It had been exactly a week since I went to the ER the first time. I went back to the urgent care, and had them draw blood again. Like clockwork, that night I got another panicked call from the doctor, saying my Liver numbers had DOUBLED. And to go back to the ER right now.

Shit Gets Real

I go back to the ER, which was actually having a data breach, I was one of the last people admitted before they started turning people away. They’re internal system was down, and they were doing everything with pencil and paper. At this point, I had lost 25 pounds and my numbers were that of someone with end stage liver disease. I get admitted again, this time get my own room (number 444, the angel number for protection, which I took real solace in). This time the chief Hepatologist for the whole hospital visits my room. He tells me there’s this other number called my INR he’s worried about, and needs to do a blood test to see if it’s moved. If it has, I need to get an emergent Liver Transplant which carries the risk of death. If not, I might be okay. Because of the data breach, the results took 20 minutes. This was the scariest 20 minutes of my life. I wash every sort of terrified you can imagine. My mom was doing deep breathing with me. My gf was sobbing. My dad was giving me the “modern medicine” speech.

He comes back and says my INR is steady, I’m going to fine, and I’ll be yellow for another month or so. I had to stop all medicines (including my psych meds, which was brutal) and go on a specific diet to give my liver the best chance of healing. I did out patient blood test with him and everything played out like he said. I was fine.

Intense Suffering

After this second hospital visit, I was traumatized beyond belief. The idea of almost needing a liver transplant and then ending up completely unscathed was too much for me. I was convinced I was going to die. Completely off my rocker. I wrote my own will. “Dead at 28, dead at 28” kept replaying over and over in my head non stop. This experience broke me in every conceivable way, my whole concept of myself was shattered. Even after I got better from the Liver thing, I had extreme health anxiety. Every. Little. Thing that happened with my body had me scared to death I had cancer or something serious. Running to every doctor in the book. In my head I just knew the other shoe was bound to drop. I had a target on my back. I really just couldn’t wrap my head around what I went through and the fact that I was fine now.

I started working with a therapist, and slowly but surely started getting over the health anxiety.

Awakening

About a year later, I was still going through it. My whole world had flipped upside down and I still suffered from medical trauma a lot.

And then: there was this moment. This instant. Something snapped. I realized the panicked voice in my head was my own thoughts, my own mind. Suddenly I was looking at my thoughts, a gap had formed between “me” and the thoughts I was thinking. The way I experienced consciousness changed completely. Again I was like “wtf this is so weird” and so I started doing some research. I found Buddhism, and then Zen, and the Taoism, and then people like Krishnamurti and Eckhart Tolle and started putting all the pieces together. As a concept.

And then, a few months ago, something else clicked and I wasn’t understanding it as a concept anymore, I was living it. Oneness. Non duality. Ego Realization.

The Golden Money in the envelope wasn’t anything tangible. It was perspective. This perspective. Awareness itself. The golden perspective. Or maybe it was just a dream. That doesn’t matter much.

I’ve never had a dream like those two since, and haven’t been back to that vault.

Wrapping it up

If you’ve read this far. Thank you. It’s not an easy story. I’m doing great now! My gf is now my fiancé and we get married in August, my liver is in tip top shape, and I see the beauty in every living thing.

I was never same after this experience, and that’s okay. It’s even beautiful. I recognize it as probably the most important thing to happen to me, and now I just want to share the insight I have with the world❤️

TW: Near Death Experience. TW: Medical Trauma

Hey everyone. I’ve been on this sub for a little while now, met some really cool people, and learned a whole lot. I think it’s time I shared my awakening story. The full thing, for whoever is curious. This is a rather long story, so don’t feel like you need to read it all. I’m also going to focus mainly on the spiritual aspects, and skip a large majority of the medical stuff, as that’s not as relevant. Also - please, as the trigger warnings above suggest, this story is a bit scary from a medical perspective, so if that stuff freaks you out I would really recommend not reading. But if not, read on:

The Beginning

This story starts in late 2023. I was a drug addict of sorts, well a burgeoning one at least. Dabbling in things I shouldn’t be, trying to escape my own mind, trying to escape the whole world. One day I was bored and randomly remembered that Kratom existed. I had never done it before so I did some preliminary research and I was off to the nearest bodega. I asked the guy what he recommended, and he pointed to a package of capsules labeled “OPMS Gold” and said people liked those. So I bought some. These capsules got me really messed up (which was great) so I bought more and did it a lot over a period of 2 weeks.

Then one night I got really sick. This is not your usual type of sick where things come on gradually - I went from completely fine to fever, chills, headache, stomach ache, fatigue, in a literal instant. I collapsed on the couch and all I could say to my gf was “fever”. I woke up, and for the next few days dealt with what I thought was the worst stomach flu I’ve ever had. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t move. It got maybe a little bit better over the course of a week, but I noticed my pee was a weird dark color. At a certain point it was just getting too weird, so I called my mom. She said go to urgent care and get a blood test. So I went. The doctor reassured me it was a stomach flu, gave me nausea medicine, and took my blood because I insisted.

That night I get a panicked call from the urgent care, basically telling me my liver numbers (ALT, AST, Bilirubin) were off the charts insane, and to go to the emergency room right now. So I got in the car and took myself and my gf to the ER, where we met my parents. In the harsh yellow light of the ER, I noticed my skin was turning yellow (jaundice). I started to freak tf out, this was just too insane. The ER doctors were genuinely confused, they continued to monitor as my liver numbers rose, they asked me all sorts of questions. They were thinking it was a few different cancers, and also possibly a gallbladder issue, and I might have to get that removed. They needed to admit me to figure it out. It was about 3AM in the ER. My gf and I started talking, and eventually one of us said “could this be from the Kratom?” We then looked it up and the whole medical picture started making sense. I had poisoned myself. I told the ER doctor (who scribbled the word Kratom on a napkin and then did the same google search we just did) who then said the doctors upstairs will figure it out. I was admitted, and given all sorts tests, MRI’s and the works. The consensus was it was the Kratom. My numbers had started to stabilize on Sunday (I arrived at the ER on Friday) so they discharged me.

The Dreams

I got home not knowing what to think. I was bright yellow (like BRIGHT, like glowing). And thinking things were going to go back to normal. One night soon after I was discharged, I had a dream:

It was more vivid than any dream I’ve ever had. I was in a vault of some sort, almost like gringots from Harry Potter but more sterile and clean. Friends from childhood were in the vault with me. I looked down and I saw an envelope with golden money in it. Shining so bright, like life itself. I immediately recognized this as the gift it was, and asked “why did I find this? Why not any of my friends? Why ME?”

I woke up. Thought wow that was a weird dream. And was honestly very perplexed by it. A few days went by, I was still very sick and yellow. One night I went to bed and had the same dream. Same vividness, same exact vault. Except this time there was a voice. This voice knew me - my every action, my every thought. It’s like it was looking at a cosmic scale that was my life, and it said “I’m not sure if he deserves this, he has more to go through” referring to the envelope with the golden money.

I woke up feeling very anxious. It had been exactly a week since I went to the ER the first time. I went back to the urgent care, and had them draw blood again. Like clockwork, that night I got another panicked call from the doctor, saying my Liver numbers had DOUBLED. And to go back to the ER right now.

Shit Gets Real

I go back to the ER, which was actually having a data breach, I was one of the last people admitted before they started turning people away. Their internal system was down, and they were doing everything with pencil and paper. At this point, I had lost 25 pounds and my liver numbers were that of someone with end stage liver disease. Like real organ failure type shit. I get admitted again, this time get my own room (number 444, the angel number for protection, which I took real solace in). This time the chief Hepatologist for the whole hospital visits my room. He tells me there’s this other number called my INR he’s worried about, and needs to do a blood test to see if it’s moved. If it has, I’d likely need to get an emergent Liver Transplant which carries the risk of death. If not, I might be okay. Because of the data breach, the results took 20 minutes. This was the scariest 20 minutes of my life. I was every sort of terrified you can imagine. My mom was doing deep breathing with me. My gf was sobbing. My dad was giving me the “modern medicine” speech.

He comes back and says my INR is steady, I’m going to be fine, and I’ll be yellow for another month or so. I had to stop all medicines (including my psych meds, which was brutal) and go on a specific diet to give my liver the best chance of healing. I did out patient blood tests with him and everything played out like he said. I was fine.

Intense Suffering

After this second hospital visit, I was traumatized beyond belief. The idea of almost needing a liver transplant and then ending up completely unscathed was too much for me. I was convinced I was going to die. Completely off my rocker. I wrote my own will. “Dead at 28, dead at 28” kept replaying over and over in my head non stop. This experience broke me in every conceivable way, my whole concept of myself was shattered. Even after I got better from the Liver thing, I had extreme health anxiety. Every. Little. Thing that happened with my body had me scared to death I had cancer or something serious. Running to every doctor in the book. In my head I just knew the other shoe was bound to drop. I had a target on my back. I really just couldn’t wrap my head around what I went through and the fact that I was fine now.

I started working with a therapist, and slowly but surely started getting over the health anxiety.

Awakening

About a year later, I was still going through it. My whole world had flipped upside down and I still suffered from medical trauma a lot.

And then: there was this moment. This instant. Something snapped. I realized the panicked voice in my head was my own thoughts, my own mind. Suddenly I was looking at my thoughts, a gap had formed between “me” and the thoughts I was thinking. The way I experienced consciousness changed completely. Again I was like “wtf this is so weird” and so I started doing some research. I found Buddhism, and then Zen, and then Taoism, and then people like Krishnamurti and Eckhart Tolle and started putting all the pieces together. As a concept.

And then, a few months ago, something else clicked and I wasn’t understanding it as a concept anymore, I was living it. Oneness. Non duality. Ego realization.

The Golden Money in the envelope wasn’t anything tangible. It was perspective. This perspective. Awareness itself. The golden perspective. Or maybe it was just a dream. That doesn’t matter much.

I just know I’ve never had a dream like those two since, and haven’t been back to that vault.

Wrapping it up

If you’ve read this far. Thank you. It’s not an easy story.

I’m doing great now! My gf is now my fiancé and we get married in August, my liver is in tip top shape, and I see the beauty in every living thing. The guy who wanted to escape wasn’t bad, he was just a little confused, he didn’t fully realize the life that was all around him, and in him. He saw it with his eyes, but now he sees it with his heart.

I was never same after this experience, and that’s okay. It’s even beautiful. I recognize it as probably the most important thing to happen to me, and now I just want to share any insight I’ve discovered with the world.
❤️

He figured it out. He realized himself. All that suffering and ugliness about him, he overcame that. It was such a wild ride. He really did that shit and I’m so damn proud of him. Now he helps others. Now he lives life authentically. I didn’t know he had it in him.

I’m sobbing as I type this. This post is dedicated to everyone and anyone who went through hell, and wound up on the other side. I love you and I see you ❤️

I’ve noticed that sex dulls the effects of pretty much every substance I’ve ever tried (and I’ve tried a lot), including alcohol. This heightened awareness and reduced substance effect lingers for an hour to sometimes the rest of the day/night.

I know there’s a biological reason for this - oxytocin and prolactin and all that, but I’m more interested in in the metaphysical. People’s experiences.

Does anyone want to weight in on this?

I was walking with my friend yesterday. To set the scene, it was a gorgeous day. Right along the Hudson River overlooking the city. The sky was ablaze with magnificent clouds, the water was shining and pristine, the trees were blowing in the breeze. Nature was dancing.

My friend is very caught up in money. And suffers that. He’s the richest guy I know by far, just got a great new job at a very well known tech company, and told me he’s already scheming his next move to make even more. So we started talking.

I asked “what’s your main goal with all of this?” To which he replied “to make 10 million dollars”. “So that you can do what?” I asked. And he said so he didn’t have to work anymore, so he could just chill out. I said “but you aren’t working and are just chilling now, you’ve already accomplished your goal”. He said “yeah, but I have to work on Monday”. And I said “No, I mean NOW”. He didn’t understand this at all.

And then it hit me. He can’t see the beauty all around him because of this internal and eternal struggle for more. This is how most people walk around. I sure used to.

It’s okay though, I’ll always love him for who he is. Like I love every single person in this world. It was just extremely eye opening. People sure are interesting.

So for some background, I went through a near death experience. 444 (protection) was on the door of my hospital room. I have a 444 tattoo on my chest. So I’m not just some guy trying to knock this whole thing.

I’ve reached a point in my spiritual journey, however, where I see a deeper importance of these sightings. See, the mind made story of “this is MY angel number, this one follows ME, I have a special connection to this one” is deep on one level, but there’s a *much* deeper significance here. Which is:

In the moment you see an angel number (assuming you aren’t actively looking for it), before the mind made story attaches itself, in that split second moment - you were aware. Truly looking at your surroundings. Not wrapped up in yourself. This spiritual dimension, where you’re just noticing things without a motive - where there is no you - that’s the state where you are going to see these things.

So when I see 444, in addition to being happy
I saw it, what I’m really focused on is the state of consciousness I was in right before I saw it. That’s the real treasure here.

Are you ever walking down the street and something so amazingly beautiful like a flower shocks you completely out of thought/time. And then you’re just like…present af for a while when you didn’t even mean to be lol