u/KeyBookkeeper3393

i’m just wondering how to hide my boner when it happens in public or school or like in front of my parents or something because it’s really embarrassing and the hole penis is visible pretty much and just shows so much. When i looked it up it said to move it up to my waistband but when i did the top still showed from my shirt and also it gets my shorts wet from when stuff comes out so please tell me how to make it not show. You can see the hole outline of it and the wet spot sometimes and it’s really embarrassing to me

(Trigger Warning ⚠️ SA, DV, and Drug Use)

I wake up in the morning and I feel like shit
Just another day to cross off the list
My car is on empty and my bills are unpaid
Yeah I’ve got a lot of things that I have delayed
So I bottle up my feelings and I throw them away
And that’s just the way that I cope day to day
My life is not real and it feels like a game
So i go somewhere far where they don’t know my name

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

I lay down in the night and I still feel like shit
My mama, weed, or meth- which one will I hit?
Well my daddy’s he’s a drunk and my mama’s all high
I just wanted them to listen when I would cry
They never did so when someone listened to me
I let him teach me how to get down on my knees
And that was the day my innocence went away
The last time I laughed and the last time I play

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

My daddy hits girls and my mama’s abused
Sunshine and rainbows were all I once knew
So I burn and I cut and I make myself bleed
And I try to be kind in a world that’s so mean
But nothing seems to help, feelings don’t fade
got nightmares in my head always stuck on replay
But I guess I gotta now now, there’s no space to write
I just really hope this ain’t my final goodbye

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

I’ll remember the sun
And I’ll remember the rain
I’ll remember the skies that once filled my soul with pain
My very first hug
And the first time I laughed
All of these thoughts I’ll take with me from the past

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

Trigger Warning ⚠️ SA, DV, and Drug Use

I wake up in the morning and I feel like shit
Just another day to cross off the list
My car is on empty and my bills are unpaid
Yeah I’ve got a lot of things that I have delayed
So I bottle up my feelings and I throw them away
And that’s just the way that I cope day to day
My life is not real and it feels like a game
So i go somewhere far where they don’t know my name

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

I lay down in the night and I still feel like shit
My mama, weed, or meth- which one will I hit?
Well my daddy’s he’s a drunk and my mama’s all high
I just wanted them to listen when I would cry
They never did so when someone listened to me
I let him teach me how to get down on my knees
And that was the day my innocence went away
The last time I laughed and the last time I play

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

My daddy hits girls and my mama’s abused
Sunshine and rainbows were all I once knew
So I burn and I cut and I make myself bleed
And I try to be kind in a world that’s so mean
But nothing seems to help, feelings don’t fade
got nightmares in my head always stuck on replay
But I guess I gotta now now, there’s no space to write
I just really hope this ain’t my final goodbye

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

I’ll remember the sun
And I’ll remember the rain
I’ll remember the skies that once filled my soul with pain
My very first hug
And the first time I laughed
All of these thoughts I’ll take with me from the past

Ohh, my depression takes over my mind
And my anxiety’s along for the ri-i-ide
I don’t know if imma be alright
So i close my eyes i try to hi-i-ide
Hide somewhere no one can find
So I go there and put up a fi-i-ight
Somewhere no one else can find
yeah somewhere no one else can fi-i-ind

Hello, i’m honestly not sure why i’m writing this or what I even expect from this, I just don’t know what else to do. I’m a 23 year old gay male (not that being gay has anything to do with this situation- just added for context) and i’ve fantasized my own death since I was about 9 years old. I remember hanging myself out of my second story bedroom window, only holding on with my hands, and telling myself to let go and fall. I never actually let go but I’d think about it basically everyday.

At that time, I wasn’t just necessarily wanting to die, but I was so curious about what would happen to my soul after death that I would obsess over trying to figure it out and it would consume my thoughts. I didn’t want to die, i just wanted to know what actually happens once you do.

Let me give a little background on my life. Growing up, my parents were both addicts (one addicted to meth, the other on heroin) and it was a very neglectful and abusive childhood. My mom would bring over men who would abuse my mother and I physically and sexually, while my dad was too distracted to care about anything.

My mom had full custody of me at that time and she would actively use meth in front of me regularly. We were homeless for a while and then ended up living in a trap house for my 4th grade year. Once I got into 4th grade is when things started getting very very bad. Lots of sexual trauma, having no food for multiple days, and literally having no one who truly cared about my well being. I’ve seen people overdose, helped people escape from the police, and tried drugs at a very very young age. Towards the end of 4th grade CPS got involved and once my dad was able to pass a drug test, he got 100% custody rights.

The situation with my dad wasn’t much better but just in a different way. He was very abusive to women and would go to jail for domestic violence quite a few different times. Lots of explicit drug use, mostly pills. I used to help him manicure his weed plants (we grew in our house) for hours so he could dry and sell it before weed was legal in our state.

Sorry for going off on a tangent, there is obviously a lot more traumatic background information I could add but here’s the basics so maybe you can understand how I got to the headspace I have. I’m not using my past as an excuse for anything, I just want someone to hear me. My parents are both married to someone now and mostly clean, living a healthy life so that’s at least a positive.

Anyways, back to the gist of my post- That suicidal feeling i’ve had since I was 9 has never gone away, it’s changed from being curious about death to now actively accepting that I will die any day and looking forward to it. I truly do not want to live and i haven’t for almost as long as i can remember. I do not enjoy life and I do not want to keep living.

When I was a junior in high school, I attempted suicide for the first time. I used to take sips of bleach just to see what it’s like and cut myself very regularly, but this was the first time I actually did something with the intent of no longer living. I was very often in trouble and had no access to a phone or internet, so one day before school (I was home alone) i was going through our cabinets to try and find something that would do the job. Being an uneducated 16 year old, I figured that if i drank an entire bottle of mouthwash that it would poison me since it had the poison control number and a very intense amount of alcohol. Being older and more educated now, i have no idea why i thought that would kill me. Anyways, I drank an entire brand new bottle of mouthwash and held my throw up down the whole time. Then I left for school like it was just a normal day.

I ended up throwing up light blue mouthwash all over myself in the middle of first period, to this day that is the most drunk I have ever been in my life. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t sit up straight, and I could barely form a sentence. My teacher ended up calling the nurse who had to remove me from class in a wheelchair and take me to the office. I was still throwing up profusely this entire time and I remember everyone in class saying “eww”.

My parents came not too long after that and I told them that I was just trying to get drunk, I never mentioned anything about suicide. The school gave me a breathalyzer and i blew a .16 about 3 hours after I drank the mouthwash. I was suspended from school for 5 days and I was in so much trouble. I still have never told my parents the true story behind that day (Also when I say parents, i’m referring to my dad and step-mom, my dad got clean and married when I was in 8th grade).

I haven’t attempted suicide again since that day, i’ve made plans and i’ve come very close, lots of self harm and reckless behavior, but ive never actually followed through. Which leaves me to where I am today.

I’ve been planning my suicide off and on for about the past year. Like a final real plan. And over the past two months, it’s the very first thing I think about and consumes my brain the entire day. But this time is different, it feels different than any other time i’ve been suicidal. Like im actually ready and I feel prepared. A part of it kinda scares me, it’s like “wow i’m actually going to do it this time”.

I made a will today and I’m debating whether I should leave a note or not. I don’t want to because I feel like a note would cause my loved ones so much more pain but it’d also help give them closure to how i actually feel so i’m still 50/50 on that. I’m going to do it on Thursday after work since I don’t work on Friday.

I think i’m going to drown myself. I was going to do an overdose but after doing some research, the mortality rate gives too much of a risk for me to survive, plus I don’t want to traumatize a normal person seeing a my body. And of course I don’t want to do it at home for my family to find in the morning. I feel like if I park in a place i’m not supposed to be at night and do what I need to do in a lake, either an officer or security guard would notice my car in the morning and try to find me before a normal civilian would see me. The best way would be to shoot myself but I don’t want to force anybody to clean up blood from a situation like that and i’ve never even shot a gun before.

I’ve gone to therapy and it doesn’t help, my problem isn’t that I don’t understand myself. My problem is that i feel too much and understand myself too much, i’m too self aware and self analytical to use a coping mechanism that doesn’t actually change anything. And i don’t believe in medications.

I have no idea why i’m even making this, I just want someone to hear my story before I get forgotten about I guess. I’ve never actually told anyone my life story and the things I’ve felt. Not fully at least. And I don’t even know if i’m going to be allowed to post this, i’m pretty sure this is an anti suicidal page which literally is the opposite of this entire post. I just want someone to actually know who I am before I move on. I’m not writing this for self pity or try and have a bunch of people try and talk me out of it. My feelings are set, this is not an impulse decision, it’s something i’ve been planning for over half of my life.

If you read this far, thank you for listening to me and I wish you an absolutely beautiful life! You matter!