u/Known-Vegetable-2087

I think I need medication, I’m sobbing most days, I can’t function, I’m hyper fixated on him coming back, can’t accept reality, intense betrayal trauma, don’t want to live anymore, scaring myself. My brain feels weird, it’s been 3 months and it’s getting worse, I just want him back, he’s seeing someone else, I feel like I died. Why wasn’t I good enough? How could he turn so cruel and cold after getting us matching gifts? How could he change in 10 mins? I don’t understand! I don’t understand!

Hi all!

I got into Neville Goddard and manifestation back in November when something upsetting happened with a guy I was seeing. It really opened my eyes and for a while, I fell down the rabbit hole of trying too hard. SATS, scripting, robotic affirmations, subliminals, self-concept etc. I was so desperate to change my circumstances that I yo yoed between all of these different techniques with no success. My circumstances got worse and worse until the thing I feared the most happened (I probably manifested that too because I was so scared of it happening).

Three months on, I’m at rock bottom and I’m able to manifest little things in a way I couldn’t before. It first started as a little game I played with myself. For example, if I was on a bus, I’d tell myself I’d see a yellow cat before my stop. I said yellow cat because that’s not a natural colour for a cat so the odds were less in my favour. I didn’t expect to see one at all, but kept holding the thought in my mind loosely. The bus drove past a Chinese restaurant and I could see the counter through the window. On the counter was a lucky yellow waving cat! I couldn’t believe it! I waked past the restaurant again recently and the cat wasn’t there anymore.

Another day, I held the image of a unicorn in my mind. 24 hours passed and I was losing hope that I could make it happen, but when I was at work, I looked at a spreadsheet of museum objects and saw the description of one as “unicorn seal.” When I looked closer, I saw a tiny unicorn engraved on it. Two days later, I drove past a primary school. It contained “unicorn” in the name. A random instant’s reel popped up when I was mindlessly scrolling and it was somebody’s unicorn art.

I had other such experiences with a yellow umbrella that materialised right at the end of the time limit I imposed on it, a purple octopus, a red apple etc. Sometimes I get a snippet of the desired thing, like a guy walking on the street and biting into an apple, but it’s not quite the right colour. But then, hours later, I’d walk past a supermarket that had red apples displayed in the window, or my housemate buying red apples and leaving them in the kitchen.

I know none of this is out of the ordinary, but it gave me confidence. I’m currently reading Psycho - Cybernetics and one chapter talks about starting small and building success on success, which is what I am trying to do, all the way from rock bottom.

I can’t begin to explain how much pain I’ve been in since November last year. I ultimately want to change what happened but I have so much grief and resistance around it still that my body lights up whenever I even think of manifesting specific change. I’ve been trying to follow the guidance in Psycho Cybernetics by “stealing” the feeling I had when I saw the unicorn or the yellow umbrella and applying it to, say, a text from the person I want contact with, or a sign of movement in the right direction, but nothing happens. I also tried to sit with the idea that change is possible rather than guaranteed, because my brain won’t accept that the positive version of the negative thing that happened to me in November is guaranteed and that I can make it happen.

Has anyone had a similar journey with manifestation and self belief when they first stared? How did you bridge the gap between small things and the big things you actually wanted? I know manifestation is simple (not easy), the feeling is the key and detachment is important but I’m not sure what my next steps are. I thought of upping the stakes up a bit and trying to manifest a free coffee or something, but I’m scared of it not working and losing the confidence I painstakingly built through the silly little successes I mentioned above.

I know not all do, but for the ones that this happened to, how did it come about? After how long? Was it unexpected? Did they orbit you before and does that make it likelier they’ll attempt to reconnect?

I’m not asking just out of hope, thought I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have hope. I’m mostly asking because I can’t imagine mine ever trying to contact me again. I’m feeling like I didn’t matter to him and he’s just moved on and happy to be rid of me.

I think it’s what’s making me feel crazy, especially post discard. Mine had a really big issue with vulnerability (lol). He’d be ok telling me that he’s most honest with me, that I absorb the heaviest aspects of his avoidance etc, but really, really struggled to ever say he missed me or liked me etc directly. He’d go about it in roundabout ways that were often shrouded in 409 layers of plausible deniability. He once referred to this figure as his girlfriend and said he “missed her” when he was working away and we weren’t meeting up as much, and my gut feeling was that he was talking about me but couldn’t say it directly (the figure was an inside sore of joke with us). There were other instances too. Compliments were never direct, they were always aimed at an actress or public figure that he would then immediately link to me in such a way that I’d know the nice thing he said about her applied to me, like he had to compliment me through someone else. He also skirted around feelings of love but in such a way that I had to pretend I didn’t “get it” so he wouldn’t get spooked. I’m certain that if I were to bring it up, he’d have denied he was talking about anything other than the thing he mentioned which had nothing to do with me. Naturally, I’m now wondering if all this time I was just reading too much into everything.

Since the discard, he mostly communicates through his continued use of one of my personal streaming accounts, by leaving movies we watched when we were really intimate in my continue watching list, which I find absolutely fascinating, psychologically speaking. I get the same gut feeling about this I did when he made the other gestures mentioned above.

Not really looking for advice on what to do, or comments that I should revoke his access. I think I will in my own time, just not there yet. I think I’m just wondering about other people’s experiences with this type of communication? I just find it so fascinating (probably in a masochistic sort of way lol). It also helps me process the painful madness that has been my life for the last few months.

If any FAs or DAs who are aware they do this would like to share, I’d be very interested!

Many thanks!

…still spends weekends at home logging into my streaming devices and leaving things in my continue watching lists. Still views most of my Instagram stories. Sometimes stops for weeks, then watches again. I feel like he’s haunting me.

Yes, I know that I should block and delete but I’m not there yet. I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself not to want him back. I want him back. How can he click on my profile and not be reminded of what happened between us? He’s not a bad or opportunistic person so I’m struggling to get my head around this digital behaviour. He earns way more than me, so it’s not about the fact that he can use it for free. Is he orbiting? Why, if he chose someone else? When he told me about her he said it’s fairly casual and that he doesn’t have high hopes because of his destructive patterns which end up hurting people he’s with. It’s been 2 months since the “discard” and around 4 since he met her I think.

It’s too painful! It’s been 6 weeks, no contact ish apart from one reach out from me to which he replied really coldly, he’s seeing someone else, sometimes watches my stories, sometimes doesn’t. Keep trying to detach but I just want him back with every fibre of my being and I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, this constant painful longing and anxiety that he’s not here and that he did this to me. He took all the safety and intimacy I created with him and gave it to someone else he started seeing when slow fading me. I hate every second of my life, I can’t snap out of it, I can’t stop constantly ruminating. I don’t want to be here anymore

Because I feel like I’m dealing with the doppelgänger of a person who always seemed so careful and thoughtful of my feelings and it’s making me feel crazy. How can someone go from caring to uncaring in the space of 24 hours post emotional intimacy THEY initiated, withhold reassurance despite knowing your trauma, slow fade you for months, replace you, and claim ignorance at the impact their actions would have on you? I just can’t function and feel the lowest I’ve ever felt in myself. Logically, I know it’s not me, but emotionally I feel like I must have done something to deserve such horrible, cold treatment. One month post discard and I feel worse each day.

Deactivation after intimacy, followed by slow fade, followed by him just saying he’s seeing someone on a walk I thought was him wanting to reconnect after being distant for 3 months. Turns out the distance was a slow fade and he had started seeing someone (we weren’t in an official relationship and he had paused the sex some months earlier). Now that the shock is wearing off, I’m left with the grief of him with someone else and it breaks me. How do you not let it consume you? I feel sick every time I think about it and my brain won’t let me not think about it. I have past trauma from a fiancé leaving mg me for someone else soon after he proposed.

I have a wonderful therapist and that helps, but the rumination is constant and most nights I go to bed wishing I could just…not wake up again. I’m so tired.

My ex situationship asked to put the sex on hold back in November immediately after our most intimate night together. It came as a great shock to me because it took us a while to get to it. He had performance anxiety, and it took a a few months for us to become intimate. He pushed for nudes and sexting and it was all so new and exciting to me and he kept saying it meant so much to him, that he felt safest with me than anyone and that he can be himself in bed with me. The last time we slept together, he was so affectionate and loving. We never used condoms because of his performance anxiety and it made it even more trusting and intimate.

When he asked to pause the sex, he said it’s confusing him doing it with a friend and that it’s too much of a complication and that it gives him anxiety. That he needed to work on this in therapy. It was framed as pause as opposed to an ending. In the 5 months that followed, we remained emotionally close despite the pause on physical intimacy. I waited patiently, hoping that he’d feel safe enough to return to it again. I never pressured or blamed him or lashed out in any way, I just tried my best to make him comfortable, though he became increasingly braced against me.

The last time we hung out properly, he orchestrated an entire evening for me with my favourite food and a very thoughtful gift. It felt romantic to me. Then he deactivated hard for three months and became emotionally cold as well over text. We didn’t see each other for 3 months. 3 months in which I thought he’d come out of it, but it turns out the 3 months served as a slow fade. When we met again, he casually told me he’s seeing someone and it broke me.

It’s been about a month since then and I feel like my sexuality has completely died. I’ve never felt this way before after a breakup and I’m wondering if anyone can relate. I apologise if I’m sharing too much but I’m feeling broken and distraught. I can’t do it solo because I feel nothing. I think I’m reaching orgasm, in the sense that my body feels it, but it’s numb and it makes me feel empty. This happened once since the discard. Recently, I haven’t even been able to climax. It’s like all colour has been drained out of me.

I stupidly tried to have a one night stand soon after the discard because I thought I wanted sex. It was a terrible mistake because the more this guy touched me, the more I panicked and felt like I had to get out of there. Which I did. After apologising profusely and swearing I’d never date again until I heal.

I just feel so broken. Like I’ll never be able to feel sexual again, like he’s somehow taken that away from me. I feel so tethered to him still and the idea that he’s sleeping with someone else after all the safety we created is killing me. It’s crazy how the last time we had sex it felt like we were making love, he fell asleep with his head in my lap and sought me out for emotional safety…and then just didn’t want me in that way anymore. But he wants her. It hurts so much I feel like I can’t even look at my naked body in the mirror without imagining him with someone else. I have intrusive thoughts of them together, I feel like a stranger in my own body and it’s starting to really freak me out.