u/Kuristinyaa

ISTPs are often perceived as people that require clear boundaries, are independent, and require their personal space in their relationships to function. Some of these traits (independence, highly demanding personal space) often feel like they also cause trouble in maintaining personal relationships (i.e friendships).

So I have some questions for the ISTPs that have managed /are in a long-term relationship:

1. How did you meet your partner and how long were you friends with them?
2. How long did it take for you to realise that you wanted this person as a partner?
3. What are the traits of your partner that made it work with them?

Hi all, I (26, FA) am having a pretty messy month in terms of my personal relationships.

I will try to make the story as short as possible.

I met a person online last year, around the same time as it is now, let’s call her X. Now, X was someone who appeared cold, distant right off the bat. After some time, it was obvious she was someone who was inconsistent, had mood swings, could show a decent amount of interest in you in one moment, then go cold again depending on the day. Our time together was obviously short-lived because as much as it was intoxicating to have X’s interest and attention, there was no world where a disorganised attachment would feel safe with inconsistent communication.

It ended badly after self-sabotaging, and part of me knew it was better that way. Despite that, I spent maybe a month of more chasing after X to fix things. Guilt? Regret? I don’t know.

At some point I was finally able to call it quits and accept the situation for what it was, I moved on, worked on my own life, settled into a job that I am satisfied with. It was boring and I was mostly alone, but I was content.

It was 2 months in when X’s message came out of nowhere, asking to be friends. Deep down inside, I knew it was likely to go badly, I spent 1-2 days overthinking everything before laying out all the negatives of her being back in my life to her (this included the inconsistency of how she treated me before). One thing led to another after I tried asking X why she was back, and she started catching me up with her life, sharing lots, showing interest and attention in me again.

That conversation went really well, and it went on like it could never end. And over the next few days, the conversations kept up and I arrived at a breaking point where I realised I’ve let X in again. (I fucked up). It was also during this period where we reconnected that I found out X lied about something very serious (her real age) from someone who also knew her.

X had to go, but I struggle excessively with letting people go, especially if I’ve cared that much for them at any point in time. I spent a lot of time running in circles before it soured, and we are now longer on talking terms, which is likely the best outcome for this given situation.

In retrospect, I don’t feel in control in these situations. I’m able to walk away/ push them away because I know it’s the right thing to do, both emotionally and logically, yet days later, after overthinking it, I tempt myself into “talking it out” or “fixing things” with them. I might be the only person trapping myself in this cycle, and I don’t know how to break free.

Please help me overcome this part of myself that I hate ✨

I’ve spent all this time looking for you.

Are you someone I’ve already met?

Someone I’m going to meet in the near future?

It might be odd but I have so many questions…

Where are you right now?

Do you also think of me when life gets slow?

I wish nothing more than for you to show up right now.

But take your time, I suppose…

I’ll always be missing you.