u/LORDCANTl

Long story short: Hullo. I got diagnosed with OSDD earlier this year. There's a few of me. We mostly get along. Yadda yadda yadda. I'm 24.

Problem is, I was onto this 11 years ago. When I was 13.

But thanks to what was happening over on tumblr, when everyone and their grandma had a dissociative disorder, I was convinced I was faking it.

Then it happened again on tiktok. Again and again and again.

Every time I began to come to terms with potentially having this disorder, I'd think, "ugh i'm faking it because this is a disorder that people love to fake" because of the shit I saw on social media.

Therefor I never sought recovery, and continued to gaslight myself into being "one guy", to the point where my psychiatrist, who FINALLY clocked it, was like "You're the most well integrated system I've seen." and all I can say is huh??? whuh??? I wasn't TRYING to!!!

Integration schmintegration, it's only left me more confused. Fragments of myself floating around but we're all technically "me" but only because I forced "myself" to be "me". This makes no sense, doesn't it. Welp that's how it feels for us in our head.

So now I'm diagnosed. My psychiatrist is helping me through it. We're figuring out whose "here" and who is/was "who". I'm just a bit miffed that it took 11 years to get to this point. It would've saved me from losing like 5 years of my life to a "me" who "wasn't me".

Long story short: I am 24. I have never been on a plane in my life. I have never even left the country. And in 4 weeks I'm going to be flying 16 hours to indonesia to meet my online partner of 7 years. I booked everything when I was manic (but I don't regret it one bit) and I know I'm going to have the time of my life there.

I'm diagnosed with anxiety and on propranolol for a different reason but it helps with the anxiety. I have random panic attacks that really piss me off because they're caused by literally nothing. Biggest fear right now is having a panic attack on the plane and ruining it for everyone.

On one hand I'm less anxious because having a panic attack in a public place while embarrassing means that you'll actually receive support and comfort from kind people instead of dealing with it alone in your room at 2am. That's how I've rationalised it.

Everything else is planned. I'm staying at a friend's house who lives next to the airport, getting there 4 hours early, me and my partner have a whole spreadsheet on where they're gonna meet me, etc. All of these are logical to me but I cannot fathom the concept of being on a PLANE in the AIR. For 16 hours.

Sooooo... help me out lads?

Long story short: I am non binary / transmasc. I came out to my parents 12 years ago. I am 24. That was half of my life ago. They said I'd get over it, but I clearly haven't, so they've resigned to being supportive even if they don't quite get it.

I hit rock bottom last night realising I will never be satisfied in this body and its starting to feel like a prison. I shot my dad a message if he could help me with sourcing testosterone (he's a former gymbro) and injecting it (he's on medication he has to inject at home) and.... he was surprisingly chill with it. He's down to help.

Then I panicked and told my mom before it became a life ruining secret, and again... she was surprisingly chill with it. I told her about the ins and outs of DIY and she said she'll help me arrange my blood tests.

So... this isn't happening until I get my shit together, but I am very very joyous and hopeful knowing that maybe the body I want isn't that far out of reach.

PS: no lectures about DIY or how testosterone specifically is scary and dangerous; I know this stuff. I have dozens of friends that DIY. I am extremely aware of my own health at all given times.

But yeah... I'm really happy.

helloooo! i made a similar post on the DID subreddit a few months ago but it got automodded and never approved and it made me feel awful about myself for some reason so i decided not to talk about it on reddit anymore. anyways i changed my mind so here i am.

long story short: i have OSDD. i got involved with an amazing therapist whose friends with some of the top DID researchers in the world and he agrees i have OSDD.

i've known since i was what, 13? i'm 24 now. anyways. this was back on 2015 tumblr, and everyone and their grandma said they had a dissociative disorder, so i chalked it up to "i was a teenager and was faking it" and kept repressing it. when i started to come to terms with it again, it was 2020 tiktok, and "did faking" was even more infamous than it was on tumblr. i knew deep down i wasn't faking it, but with the way the disorder is treated on the internet, i simply decided "i'm gonna pretend i don't have it and therefor i don't have it! i'm normal! hehe"

in the past few years its become extremely obvious. i since realised i lost 5 years of my life because of someone we'll call "evil me" fronting (stereotypical and ridiculous, i know. but he's not around anymore and he did ruin my entire life so i think he deserves it). the original me was gone for the majority of my teenage years and i only came back around covid with a loooooot of shit in my life to fix.

my therapist said that i may have unintentionally integrated myself, he said he'd never seen someone so "well integrated" without years and years of therapy before.

in terms of alters, i don't know. i like to call it "dissociative disorder in hindsight" because i only really realise that someone's fronting after it's over and done with because of the whole lack of amnesia and all. like "oh that was him, he did that thing".

excuse the stupid names for my alters, since i'm so "well integrated" and been in denial for so long most efforts ive made to map out my system have been futile.

there's me prime, i'm the guy with the body who does the human tasks. there's me 2, whose pretty much permanently in co-front and im not sure what the difference is between us but he's explicitly a guy (whereas i'm probably a girl), there's the little, and there's this weird protector whose also a combination of fictives and also sucks at her job. she sucks at her job so bad that the few times she's fronted she completely garbled the traumatic events she was supposed to be protecting me from and i had to go have EMDR to sort it out. then of course we have "evil me" who haunts the narrative and was probably a persecutor or trauma holder or something like that.

long story short, it's still really hard to come to terms with. every time i think i'm making progress with recognising fronts and dissociation, i go back to thinking "i'm faking this, i'm sooo normal". even my close friends and family members agree that i have it. it's just a weird thing to be dealing with. yeah i'm a system and i have been for probably 15 to 20 years. but also i don't really care. sorry if that sounds harsh. just kinda not sure where to even go about this, y'know?

Getting all my wisdoms removed in 3 days. VERY impacted. Can't have proper anaesthetic cause of my health problems so I'm getting IV sedation. They said I'm allowed my headphones which is a relief at least.

I haven't had teeth out since I was 8 (had overcrowding), and I remember after they sent me home I woke up at 2am gargling blood LMAO. So besides my anxiety about the procedure and anaesthetic I'm extremely worried about the recovery. Going on the nicotine patch so I don't get dry socket from vaping. But I'm also the kind of person that pokes around with my tongue and grinds my teeth in my sleep so I feel like it's kinda inevitable.

Sooo my questions are. If you're in the same boat as me (autistic, anxiety, health OCD, oral fixation, vaper, etc), how did recovery go for you? And in general, if you had IV sedation can you give me EVERY DETAIL about it? Like did it chill you out completely or was it terrifying? Did you get to enjoy some good music? Were you tripping balls? Etc etc...