u/L_washere

like bro, you can't just give me a soundtrack to all the traumatic things you're going to do to me before they happened. Spoiler alert bruhhh.

But genuinely, he shared TF with me and gave me the whole 'this album is weirdly accurate to what i went through with my ex lol' spiel and then boom, now this album is weirdly accurate to what i went though with MY ex, aka: HIM.

I now cannot sharer this album with anyone else just incase i ruin their life. I will end this generational trauma.

my friends been dating her boyfriend for 2 years now, that boyfriend is also my friend, my other friend is talking to this girl who's a distant friend and they seem so cute together, and my other friend is talking to this guy and its just so awesome that my friends are finding joy in having crushes and going on dates and the whole bubbliness of it. I remember it, it felt like being giddy and floaty, and im very happy for them.

Or at least i tell myself that because i just want to ignore the big hole in my heart full of jealously. Everyone's having crushes, even if they're unreciprocated, but me. Ever since he left me, i just haven't felt that urge or pull towards someone. i had this friends with benefits fling thing, but i guess that was just to distract myself. i don't know, i couldn't tell if i just wasn't into it or her or there was other things effecting me from whatever i had with him. My ex-fwb would ask for voice messages and shit and i'd just be sat straight faced in my room pretending to moan and be into it all when i was just thinking about nothing. i dont feel excited when my friends text their dates or giggle over what snaps they're sending each other, i feel like a horrible piece of shit.

When i imagine scenarios of me and a lover to put me to sleep, i accidentally give the person his name, or his house, and imagine im sleeping in his bed with his cats. Not because i want him back, but i struggle to find anywhere else to imagine myself in. Sometimes when i'm masturbating i say his name, not because i want him, just as a name to call. i dont desire him anymore, i just use him because i cant use anyone else. jesus, i just sound like the groomer now.

i just want to love someone else, i don't want to keep thinking of him comforting me while im crying and writing this. i want to feel like the teenager i'm supposed to be

I'm considering making my own secret appointment for my mental health with a GP, because i fear its at the point where i cant just "firm it" anymore and that i need professional help (ikr, giving up after 16 long years 😔 my streak has broken)

Obviously part of my whole mental health thing is being trans, and how its ruining my life. I'm aware the nhs has that "everything is confidential UNLESS we think you're a risk to yourself/others", however i'm pretty sure i'm guaranteed to break that confidentiality rule due to the nature of my other problems. I just really want to know that when they tell my parents, how much will they tell them? Dealing with my parents knowing about my past and mental health problems will already be bad enough, i dont know if i can survive having them aware of my identity on top of it.

Basically, how quick will the NHS tell my parents?

Maybe its worth just biting my tongue for the next 2 years. NHS scum, 'confidentiality' my fucking non existent ballsack and spaff.

yeah its elle, i dont really have any issue stating it because its not me, and it never was. even when i wanted to be a girl so badly, i hated the name. if i was called something else at birth im sure i wouldnt hate being called it so much. You cant make any nicknames out of it, its so short and weird to pronounce with my last name, and everyone reads it as ellie or ella, or they just spell it like the letter. its just a really ugly name to me, sorry to any elles.

I just feel kinda bad for betraying my parents expectations, like i know you effectively named me "woman" but im not a woman and im so sorry 😭

anyone else named something like this? because i think i got stuck with the worst deadname ever

so basically, i was like 13 when i first played undertale and obviously fucked up and did a random path on my first play through where i killed toriel and no one else. (i didnt know i could spare toriel, i skipped through instructions etc i was stupid)

I haven't played since then and wanted to replay on the same xbox s, but the problem is that i'm trans, and seeing all the save files with my deadname makes me very uncomfortable. (to the point where i really dont know if i want to sit through a pacifist run seeing my old name that often) I would try do some file digging on my laptop but i really cant buy it again and my laptop can barely run youtube.

I understand its an xbox and i kinda fucked myself over here, but i'm desperate TwT

Yes i know it has 11 million streams on spotify which is massive in comparison to other songs but GOD that song hits harder than beach life in death for me i cant lie. The piano section is a hudnred percent playing at my funeral i dont care if its too sad.

Its annoying i cant put it into words but that song makes me feel the most out of any of Twin fantasy and even the whole discography. Why do i never see people saying its their favourite song? TwT ❤️