u/LadyDungeon

Hi, new here… I’ll try to make this really simple. I’ve known for a couple years I’m agender. I don’t strongly identify as male, female, or nonbinary. I just simply… don’t give a fuck. I’m AFAB so most people stick with she/her in reference to me and I’ve been chill with it… despite me having asked friends and colleagues in the past to mix it up but… recently my partner came out as genderfluid and used more neutral nicknames for me. “Pretty one” “Pretty little thing” things of that nature. Not having a gender assigned to it… felt so… right? Like… it just felt really nice to have it be they/them. I’ve at least thought I was agender but now I’m questioning things and I… I guess I just need to talk to people who get it? Is this normal? Am I realizing something new? I know I never wanted to use neo pronouns. Having he/him used in reference was just a meh. She/her is better but… they/them just… clicked? I’m confused…

Is as it says in the title. Last night my partner confessed that lately she hasn’t been feeling like a guy. They run a D&D campaign I’m a player in and for my character we created a changeling who switches gender identity pretty freely. They confessed that when they played the changeling as a girl it felt strangely right. Sometimes they still feel like a dude and are questioning being Genderfluid. My biggest thing is how do I help them through it. I myself am Agender but I didn’t really have anyone to help me through discovering it. I was mostly on my own. I just want to support my partner of almost a year as best I can.

What I’m currently doing:

Calling them by she/her right now as requested.

We’ve developed a system where all they have to say is M or F in the morning and that’s the pronouns I’ll use for the day.

When in public if a pronoun doesn’t feel right, need only shake their head no so they don’t have to say anything they’re uncomfortable with.

Discussed who and who not they are ok with knowing in the future.

Constantly reassured that no matter what identity I still love them wholeheartedly and profusely thanked them for trusting me with this.

Is there any advice yall can give? Am I doing the right things? Thanks yall.

It took me 22 years to figure this out. 3 short relationships where I thought I knew what I needed but was so wrong. So let me tell you what I’ve learned love is.

Love is showing up. Not loudly, not when you say you need them but in that quiet consistency. They’re there even when you don’t know you need them, and their presence somehow makes it better.

Love is the quiet gestures. The respect of space you didn’t know you needed and what you do. It’s the moments you’re breaking down and all they can think to do is grab that snack you mentioned craving.

It’s being willing to sit in the truck so you can have alone time in the apartment.

It’s the quiet pull to be near them. It’s the overwhelming desire to do just one thing for them.

It’s the person who keeps your mind in tact just by being around. It’s the person who matches you on every level that matters. Who even as just a friend drives you to the ER and stands between you and danger because that’s who they are. They just sit on the phone quietly when you’re scared of something new as a safety line.

Maybe they don’t match your energy level. Maybe you’ve dismissed them because they are just there in that quiet way. Maybe they are the one you call for help every time because they’ve just been there. Maybe you’ve even dismissed them as a potential before. But you have reached for them. Maybe they’ve reached back. Maybe they’ve been scared to. Maybe you’ve been scared to. This is your sign to stop being scared. Stop ignoring them before you’ve lost them. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably already thought of them. You’ve felt the flares of romance spark but you’ve pushed them down. It’s time to stop.