Hi everyone,
quick question, i'm fighting m'y rocd, the anxiety is getting out of hand.
i reach a point where i have to be on Xanax to be ok on the relationship.
did it happen to anyone ? is it time to break up ? or a signé that it's not rocd ?
many thanks !
Hello everyone,
36F, almost 2 years with my boyfriend, my longest relationship. Trying to figure out if my doubts mean something or if I'm about to sabotage something good.
On paper and in reality, he's an amazing partner. Kind, loyal, affectionate, intelligent, good career. He cooks, cleans, plans our trips, makes me feel loved. I trust him completely, including around other women. We share values and interests, sex is generally good, and I'm attracted to him (it's never been about looks for me, more personality and admiration).
This relationship also helped me heal. In two years I recovered from an eating disorder, rebuilt my confidence, got stronger. I did the work, but he gave me the safety to grow. For context, I've had depression since I was 12, so I don't always trust my own mind.
The problem: my attraction is inconsistent. He has almost no sense of humor (he admits it), we never banter, he takes himself very seriously, can't laugh at himself, is a bit naive and childlike, and babies me a lot, which sometimes triggers contempt instead of affection. These doubts have been there on and off since the start.
But when we're together, traveling, laughing, being intimate, I often think "I'm really happy with him." Then days later the doubts return. Imagining staying forever, I feel peace. Imagining leaving, I feel excitement about dating again as the healed, confident version of myself I never got to be (we met when I was much more insecure), and maybe meeting someone funnier and more charismatic who keeps my attraction alive.
The complication: I'm very insecure, and I genuinely wonder if what I call "contempt" is my own insecurity projected onto him.
There's also a clock: I have an appointment in October to freeze my eggs, so the "forever or not" question feels urgent. I've already started therapy.
So: am I throwing away an exceptional partner over an ideal that doesn't exist, or is my intuition telling me something essential has been missing from the start? Has anyone been on both sides of this?
Hi everyone !
I (36F) have been with my boyfriend (38M) for almost two years. This is my longest relationship, and I've experienced recurring waves of doubt since the beginning. I'm trying to figure out whether these doubts are normal commitment anxiety or whether they're telling me something important.
Objectively, he's an incredible partner.
He's loving, thoughtful, loyal, and makes me feel beautiful no matter what. He's intelligent, disciplined, has a great career, cooks, cleans, has excellent hygiene, plans our trips, treats me incredibly well, and I trust him completely, including around other women. We share important values and hobbies and our sex life is generally good.
Our relationship has also helped me heal. During these two years, I've recovered from an eating disorder, built savings, traveled, and developed a level of confidence I never had before. I did most of that work myself, but having such a stable and supportive relationship gave me the space to become this version of myself.
The problem is that my attraction isn't stable.
Physically, I'm variably attracted to him and enjoy having sex with him. But aspects of his personality sometimes switch off my attraction. He isn't very socially confident, has almost no sense of humor (he admits this himself), is quite naive and childlike at times, and tends to take himself pretty seriously. He also babies me a lot, and instead of making me feel loved, it sometimes triggers feelings of rejzcrion/cringe which I hate admitting. Certain ways he speaks also make me cringe, even though they're objectively harmless.
Things that have me the ick : refuses to dance with me at wedding because he takes himself too seriously , uses child like word like ''poopy'' ou '' doing a little wash'' instead of showering, too much affection verbal and physical At the beginning of our relationship, I actually thought he was "out of my league." As I've become more confident over the past two years, that feeling has disappeared.
Now I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.
When I imagine staying with him forever, I actually feel peaceful.
When I imagine leaving, what I mostly feel is excitement about dating again and the possibility of meeting someone who feels like an even better match, someone with more humor, charisma, social confidence, and a personality that naturally keeps me attracted.
My biggest fear is that I'm about to throw away an exceptional relationship because I'm chasing an idealized fantasy that doesn't exist.
But my other fear is spending my life with someone when a part of me has quietly felt, from the beginning, that something essential was missing.
I'm also at the stage where I want to have children, which makes the decision feel even heavier.
Has anyone been in a relationship where they kept wondering whether they were settling, even though their partner was objectively wonderful?
Did you stay? Did you leave? Looking back years later, do you think your intuition was right, or do you think fear of missing out was misleading you?
TL;DR: My boyfriend is an amazing partner and our relationship helped me become the healthiest and most confident version of myself. But my attraction comes and goes because I sometimes find him too serious, socially awkward, naive, childlike, and not funny. I feel peaceful when I imagine building a life with him, yet excited by the idea of dating as the confident woman I've become, something I never got to experience. I'm scared of leaving an exceptional man for an ideal that doesn't exist, but I'm equally scared that my doubts mean something important has been missing from the beginning.
Hi everyone !
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. This is my longest relationship, and I've experienced recurring waves of doubt since the beginning. I'm trying to figure out whether these doubts are normal commitment anxiety or whether they're telling me something important.
Objectively, he's an incredible partner.
He's loving, thoughtful, loyal, and makes me feel beautiful no matter what. He's intelligent, disciplined, has a great career, cooks, cleans, has excellent hygiene, plans our trips, treats me incredibly well, and I trust him completely, including around other women. We share important values and hobbies and our sex life is generally good.
Our relationship has also helped me heal. During these two years, I've recovered from an eating disorder, built savings, traveled, and developed a level of confidence I never had before. I did most of that work myself, but having such a stable and supportive relationship gave me the space to become this version of myself.
The problem is that my attraction isn't stable.
Physically, I'm variably attracted to him and enjoy having sex with him. But aspects of his personality sometimes switch off my attraction. He isn't very socially confident, has almost no sense of humor (he admits this himself), is quite naive and childlike at times, and tends to take himself pretty seriously. He also babies me a lot, and instead of making me feel loved, it sometimes triggers feelings of contempt, which I hate admitting. Certain ways he speaks also make me cringe, even though they're objectively harmless.
At the beginning of our relationship, I actually thought he was "out of my league." As I've become more confident over the past two years, that feeling has disappeared.
Now I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.
When I imagine staying with him forever, I actually feel peaceful.
When I imagine leaving, what I mostly feel is excitement about dating again and the possibility of meeting someone who feels like an even better match, someone with more humor, charisma, social confidence, and a personality that naturally keeps me attracted.
My biggest fear is that I'm about to throw away an exceptional relationship because I'm chasing an idealized fantasy that doesn't exist.
But my other fear is spending my life with someone when a part of me has quietly felt, from the beginning, that something essential was missing.
I'm also at the stage where I want to have children, which makes the decision feel even heavier.
Has anyone been in a relationship where they kept wondering whether they were settling, even though their partner was objectively wonderful?
Did you stay? Did you leave? Looking back years later, do you think your intuition was right, or do you think fear of missing out was misleading you?
TL;DR: My boyfriend is an amazing partner and our relationship helped me become the healthiest and most confident version of myself. But my attraction comes and goes because I sometimes find him too serious, socially awkward, naive, childlike, and not funny. I feel peaceful when I imagine building a life with him, yet excited by the idea of dating as the confident woman I've become, something I never got to experience. I'm scared of leaving an exceptional man for an ideal that doesn't exist, but I'm equally scared that my doubts mean something important has been missing from the beginning.
Why do ROCD influencers seem to end up with partners who don't fit conventional attractiveness standards and what does that tell us about the disorder?
hey everyone,
I've been dealing with ROCD for about 1 year in my current relationship. We've been together for 1.5 years now, and despite my crippling anxiety, we actually moved in together ( got massive anxiety 4 months before and lasted 1 month after moving together).
At my worst, I was convinced I was settling. Some days my partner looked attractive to me, other days I found him extremly repulsive. I told myself he wasn't manly enough, that he was selfish, stupid, annoying. The full package.
Why did I stay? A few things made me realize something was off. When I was on SSRIs for a year, the intrusive thoughts disappeared entirely (not the anxiety of moving together though). I also noticed I was completely changing my opinion of him every 3 hours. We were fighting daily because I kept criticizing him, and I couldn't stop even when I promised myself I would. It was like watching myself do it in slow motion and being powerless.
I was exhausted. He was exhausted. And these thoughts were occupying my mind from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep : checking Reddit, Instagram, forums, YouTube, Quora, ChatGPT... I literally asked ChatGPT to rate us both. I was asking everyone around me what they thought of him.
I'm telling you all this so you understand how bad it got.
The turning point : at some point I realized : people who genuinely want to break up don't do any of this. This level of obsession isn't clarity, it's anxiety pretending to be clarity.
And I understood that as long as the anxiety was this loud, I would never be able to trust my own judgment.
What actually helped ? Now, when an intrusive thought comes up, it always comes with a specific feeling/emotion i can't tell exactly what it is every time, but i recognise the sensation. For me, ROCD shows up as anger, contempt, and a very intense sense of distrust, almost like a physical sensation.
When I feel that sensation, I know it's ROCD the though attached to this feeling. It's noise.
Then I do something that might sound strange: I mentally push the thought into a kind of black hole. As I do, I hear the intrusive "voice" getting more and more distant but it also gets louder (the voice scream , shout the thought) and more frantic as it fades, almost like it's screaming on its way out. And then it's gone.
I know that sounds weird. But it works for me.
The result?
We barely argue anymore. I've realized that when the intrusive voice was loudest, I was almost always misreading the situation. The obsessing over his appearance? Same technique, same result. And the less i hear the voice about his behaviour, the less i hyperfocus on specific part of his body that i didn't like.
For the first time in over a year, I feel like I'm actually seeing my relationship not my anxiety's version of it. It's not perfect , but not a total mess either ^^ now if i stay i know why and if i leave i will know why as well.
Happy to answer questions if any of this resonates with you. 💙