u/Legitimate_Form_2787

I’ve been at this so long now I just feel like it’s not gonna end. Every time I get to a week or 2 I fall, and repeat. I told myself I needed to be done with this sinful habit by the time I got married, I’ve been married 3 years now. I told myself I would quit by the time my daughter was born (after all who wants to objectify any man’s daughter and commit to a depraved act while having your own daughter), and she’s 2 now. Year after year goes by, I am 27 now turning 28 this year. I’ve been battling this since around 20, and started around 10/11, and I am exhausted. I fall, repent, get back up, do alright, and then repeat it. I wonder sometimes now if I am even really sorry. I can’t even understand it. I don’t even really want to do it most of the time I do it, while I am engaged in it I literally have a voice telling me to flea from it and I don’t. It’s like I just get stuck once I start and can’t stop. I have gotten much better at not letting the falls bring me down and make me angry, or depressed. I try to not let it have any power over me after I have fallen and dictate my actions towards others or control my mindset, I just wish I could not let it have any power over me to begin with and not fall at all.

I’m just sick of it, and it gets hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I suppose it’s better than loving it and doing it without a care in the world like I used to, but I just wish I could permanently leave it behind.