u/Level3Fish

I'm not really sure what label I have. I don't really care for the label past being able to help others understand. I am AMAB and never thought any other identity would fit me because I have an issue where I constantly belittle my own existence and have a bad case of imposter syndrome when I try to assign ANY positive labels to myself. Whether it's based on accomplishments or who/what I am etc...

I've always hated being treated like a guy, I've always hated the label of man, I hate being put in the box of masculinity, and I've had the question for the longest time: who am I? I recently decided to come out as non normative gender conforming, since I'm not really sure what description I would fit otherwise. My wife is supportive and the few friends I have told have been supportive.

Since then, I have explored my feminine side I look killer in a dress or skirt and with some makeup on. I want to be beautiful and I want to be masculinly impressive, I've always been envious of beautiful women and muscular attractive men alike. I also always wish I could be "in" with the girlies and to share the same space with them and the theys. I've never fit in with your average guy. It really depends day to day which aesthetic I feel like expressing more but I'm too scared to express the feminine side while Im near family and old friends right now 💀. Every instance of being called "they" or "pretty" has brought me so much joy.

I do worry about being a leech on the NB area of gender expression. Am I just a scared confused man? Or is the idea that I am something different valid? I mean I have no problems with my body, sure sometimes I'd like breasts for the aesthetic but never enough to permanently change my form. I think my masculine form looks really good, but I don't want to only ever be masculine and I don't want to hear "that guy" when referring to me anymore.

I'm sorry for the long post I just don't have a knowledgeable support system for this kind of thing.