Whether you are married or not, I really don’t see any reason of why living together as a couple is necessary. It’s exhausting how everybody perceives it as some type of “next step” in the relationship.

It’s very often you hear about relationships becoming toxic, e.g imbalances in housework, income and other things. Living together is suffocating and draining!

I think having your partner as a neighbour would be a dream, but living with them? I only see stress, no alone time, you are not free to do as you please in your own home, different habits. I mean, you even share a bed every.single.night. Exhausting.

They wanna cuddle, they want this, they want that. I don’t know, I think it’s better to have different homes and make time instead. It would only be natural to stay for a few days or weeks whatever, as long as we have separate homes.

It would make everything easier and I don’t think it means you love someone less at all

Edit: typo (loving-> living)

Also, before I made this post I thought that sure it’s uncommon and I would have a difficult time finding a partner, but I was wrong.
IT WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE.
Truust, I read your comments and discussions because I’ve been truly considering this for my future relationship.

Anyways I already tried living together in two different relationships at different times and I’m not so sure I can do that again. But I’m happy it’s working for you.

Edit II

What mostly comes up here:

Children
Easier logistics
Compatibility testing
Lower cost
Daily intimacy

There’s also a term for this arrangement.
-LAT(Living apart together)

I think most of you prove how living together is seen as something necessary and a ‘next step’. Aside from the practical reasons, there’s also this assumption that you can’t possibly love your partner if you don’t want to live together. It is weird and something must be wrong according to most of these comments.

At the same time, a lot of comments say that it is thinkable to live under the same roof and not share a bed.

English is not my first language!

Edit III

I understand the practical reasons, but my opinion still stands

Update to this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1pf37e5/my_girlfriend_25f_admitted_she_slept_with_someone/

I wasn't planning to come back to this. I posted the original mostly because I was going in circles in my own head and couldn't find a single thread on here that exactly matched what I was dealing with. But when I logged back in I was surprised to see how many people saw the post, and honestly the DMs alone were enough to make me type this out. Also found out the post got picked up on other sites which is a weird feeling. Typing this out on phone if formatting is weird I will fix later.

We broke up. A little over a month after the post. I ended it.

For a while it felt like a mistake. Not a I miss her way, more like a constant worry if I'd just let some insecure macho part of my brain torch a two year relationship over something that was actually acceptable. She wasn't a bad girlfriend in many ways. The relationship wasn't bad. That made it harder for me to be honest. I’ve got experience in dumping solidly bad girlfriends.

What actually happened in that month was a cycle. We'd argue about the hookup, eventually get somewhere that felt like real understanding, and then some random thing would surface it again and we'd be back at zero. The back and forth quickly got annoying and toxic.

But that's not what ended it. Something a few commenters mentioned in the original thread stuck with me. A specific detail I had touched on but hadn't really thought through. I did eventually bring it up to her directly and she answered honestly, which I'll give her credit for.

Before they had sex, she had asked him whether he saw any future between them. Not as a condition to sleeping with him apparently, but just probed to double check if he was up for that.

He said no and that he was just looking for casual sex. She slept with him anyway, drove to my apartment later that night, and told me she wanted to be with me.

I sat with that for a long time. On paper it changes nothing about the timeline everyone discussed in the last post. She still came back. She still chose to be with me afterwards. But something about the sequence of it just hollowed me out. She went to him first to get a no before choosing me. Not to mention the whole idea of me sitting at my apartment when this all went down.

Although on that point just to be clear, I’m not a little nice guy and him some sexed up alpha male like some of you guys in the DMs were describing haha. I’m perfectly confident, having honestly gotten too much info from my ex when we talked, that this was simply just another dude in the lineup that she wanted more than me.

But all this resulted in me feeling less like a guy she had wanted and desired, and started me feeling like a second place trophy. That's probably the most honest way I can put it.

For what it's worth, I don't think she's a bad human being. I really don't. But we clearly had completely different wiring around what commitment means and when it starts mattering. She didn't think what she did was a big deal and also seemed to undervalue the emotional value of sex in general in the post relationship analysis I’ve been thinking over.

Breakup itself was painful. She took it hard initially but seems to be doing fine now, seemingly better than me from what I’ve heard from a mutual. I've been pretty numb these last few months. Not in a worrying way to be clear, just going through the motions and it’s getting better every day. I've had bad breakups before and I know what the other side of one looks like, so I'm not too concerned.

A few people from the original post left some genuinely kind comments and I wanted to thank you for that.

I think the thing I keep coming back to is pretty simple. I just want to be someone's first choice. Hopefully that's out there somewhere.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/unraveledwords

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 12, 2026

• Final Update: May 14, 2026

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Main Post

^(May 12, 2026)

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I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Sorry for the long post, I feel as though this is a very nuanced and unusual situation and so I struggled to explain it briefly.

So my boyfriend and I have been together throughout our times at university, coming up on three years now. He is my first relationship and my first body whereas he has slept with a number of people before we got together. We have spoken before about wanting to have a future together and potentially kids once we both have a stable source of income. For the first time in years we are spending a few months apart as he has a graduate job and I don’t. I have been living in my family home and working in hospitality so we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.

Prior to this our relationship was a little strained due to academic stress and we were arguing for the first time ever. We also almost entirely stopped having sex for months and the relationship felt like it was getting dry. I have a higher sex drive than he does anyway and so it was mostly me who was finding this difficult. We spoke about it and he suggested we opened up our relationship and allowed each other to see other people until we could move back in together when I found a job in the same city as him.

He even implied that the idea of a threesome/ watching me have sex with someone else would excite him. As much as this might seem strange to other people I was quite excited he suggested this as I have never really had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I was experiencing some anxiety about the fact that I have only ever been in a committed relationship and I was worried I would one day regret not exploring more when I was younger. Despite this I still love him a lot and know he is the one I eventually want to settle down with.

Since we opened our relationship about a month ago I have slept with two people, a girl and a boy. I met them both on dating apps, and I was very open about the fact I had a boyfriend and I just wanted to explore. Both people were very accepting of this. I enjoyed the experiences a lot and I ended up spending a few nights with this girl in her apartment.

It was mostly just because I find living at home very frustrating after having the freedom of living with my friends/ boyfriend throughout uni and my parents still treat me like a child. She and I only actually had sex a couple of times after drinking and mostly when we would hang out we would just play Minecraft or go to the pub. It was more like a friends with benefits situation. I was very open about the fact I was staying at her place with my boyfriend and she was totally ok with the fact I had a boyfriend.

So anyway, my boyfriend has been planning to visit me this coming weekend and I have been thinking about what he said that he would like to have a threesome. I asked this girl about it and she said she would be down so I brought it up to my boyfriend and his reaction totally shocked me. He went absolutely nuts after finding out I had had sex with this girl already and said he had no idea.

He feels like he has been cheated on because I didn’t explicitly tell him that I had sex with this girl, only that I had been staying at her place occasionally. I was sidelined. I assumed that he had also been seeing other people as there have been a few nights where he has not replied to me in the evening or asked to call like he usually does. However he is saying that when he spoke about opening up our relationship he meant only for threesomes and not for us to explore on my own.

This surprised me as I got a completely different impression from our initial conversation where we spoke about us both getting a chance to explore before we settled down and became adults. One of my friends from uni also sent me a screenshot of him on a dating app from a couple of weeks ago which I told her I was completely fine with as we were both using them. He says now he only had the app to look for a third, not for him to do his own thing.

Now he is saying that he isn’t sure if he can look past me ‘cheating on him’ and that he needs some time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me. I am completely devastated. I have deleted the apps from my phone and blocked the two people I slept with no explanation. Although I did want to explore I have always been certain that he is the man for me.

We get on so well and he is dependable, caring, driven, everything I could ever want in a partner. My friends and family love him and we also share most of the same friends so our lives are intertwined. We have even decided on our kids names and the street we want to live on one day. I have tried to explain to him that this was just a lack of communication and that I never wanted to hurt him. I have never even looked at another person until we agreed to open the relationship. But he is just saying this changes the way he thinks about me entirely. He has barely spoken to me since finding out and pretty much ignored my apologies.

How do I earn his trust back?

 

COMMENTS

DepartmentDapper9823 >I didn't quite understand your post... Does your boyfriend know you had sex with another guy (not a girl)? If so, that's probably the real reason for his anger. > >But either way, it's his fault. He shouldn't have suggested an open relationship if it wasn't a sincere decision. > >OOP >>He knows about both now as he began questioning me about it when I told him about the girl

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AffectionateTrash146 (downvoted) >In the eyes of most poly relationships you have cheated. You said you made the new people aware of your BF but did he know you were actively going on dates and intending to sleep with people? Usually opening the relationship means having honest open communication about your actions and intentions with other partners, not the ins and outs of the activities just an understanding that somethings brewing. I don't think you guys have the right communication and maturity for an open relationship. In terms of earning his trust back, it will take a lot of time and effort but it's difficult for things to ever go back to how they were. > >OOP >>I didn’t tell him at all about the guy until he asked, but I was under the impression that he knew I had slept with the girl. I guess it is poor communication on my behalf that he didn’t understand the nature of my relationship with her. The reason why I didn’t tell him details is because I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with knowing the ins and outs of what my boyfriend was doing with other people and I stupidly assumed he felt the same. I just assumed that he was, and assumed he knew I was as that was what we had both agreed to do

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OrwellianIconoclast >Classic. He wanted to open up the relationship because he thought he'd get to sleep with other people, now he's mad & trying to punish because you had success on the apps and he didn't. > >You didn't misunderstand, he's lying because he played himself and wants to make it your fault. > >Mischiefmanaged715 >>For real. This happens so much, it is practically a cliche. The man wants to open the relationship to get some side action, inevitably it is way easier for the partnered woman to find others, and the man gets pissed off about her success and wants to shut things down. OP, this isnt for you to fix. Your boyfriend needs to own his actions rather than punishing you for them. Until he does that, I wouldnt be trying to beg for his forgiveness. His behavior is juvenile and a red flag. >> >>OOP >>>After receiving a few comments saying to unblock the girl i definitely will be! She was really great and I think we could have a friendship if nothing else now. I just did it out of blind panic because I wanted to salvage my relationship

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theclosetenby >You didn't misunderstand. He's lying. > >dirndlgrl >>Co-signed. This is such a transparent lie

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lenusniq >"How do I earn his trust back?" What are you talking about??? How did you lose his trust? You agreed on an open relaitonship. Dump this insecure hypocritical boy. > >Omgoodtimes >>THIS!!! He’s gaslighting you!!! It was his idea, but you got action and he didn’t, so he’s pissed and trying to change his mind. He told you to open it so you could both see people while you’re apart for months AND that he thought a threesome would be hot. He sounds like a loser, don’t fall for his emotional manipulation

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Final update - after 2 days

^(May 14, 2026)

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Update: I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Thank you everyone for the helpful comments! I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention and I don’t normally use Reddit so I’m not sure if this is the correct way to do an ‘update.’

So he finally called me after he finished work last night for us to ‘talk.’ I apologised again for the miscommunication and said that I didn’t feel we had a detailed enough conversation to establish boundaries and to define what an open relationship means to us. He agreed but didn’t apologise for his role in that. He then said that he was mostly hurt because I seemed to have developed an emotional connection with this girl which I can understand and I apologised for again. Then he asked me if I felt like I was happy in our relationship. And to my surprise I told him I wasn’t. He said he wasn’t either and so we decided to break up. I haven’t even had a text from him this morning and I haven’t tried to reach out either.

I do feel hurt and a bit lost but after the last few days of crashing out I also feel a huge sense of relief. As well as reading all the comments under this post I also spoke to a couple of my friends and came to the conclusion that if the two of us were truly happy together we wouldn’t have felt the need to open our relationship in the first place. I am going to give it some time to heal but now when I am ready I am free to be a young adult without the pressure of a big future looming over me. It has also opened up new jon opportunities as I don’t just have to look in the same city as him so we could move in together.

I know a lot of people are calling him a piece of shit and a gaslighting liar but I am still very fond of him and so I don’t really care at the moment to argue with him and question his side of the story; whether he changed the terms of our open relationship or did end up sleeping around and didn’t want me to know. Maybe at some point I will bring him up on this but I think the most important thing is for us to both try and move forwards.

As for the ‘Minecraft girl,’ I sent her a text saying I will give her a call at some point soon to explain and she said that was totally ok and to take my time! So hopefully I have at least made a friend and something good has come out of this.

Thank you once again everyone for the help and support xx

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I (25F) and my husband (30M) have been married for 2 years.

My husband (cop) recently went on a trip with his friends and used my suitcase. After he got back, I (engineer) found a handwritten note from another woman in the suitcase that immediately made me uncomfortable and suspicious.

I confronted him about it, and he explained that the suit he wore for detective bureau/work-related events was the same suit he wore when he went out with his friend during the trip, and that the note likely got left in the suit pocket and ended up in the suitcase accidentally. Based on what the note said, that explanation honestly did make logical sense.

At first I panicked and messaged the woman because I felt sick over the situation and didn’t know what to think. But while talking to my husband, I actually started feeling guilty and embarrassed for assuming the worst if it really was just an innocent misunderstanding. I ended up apologizing to her and explaining that I may have misunderstood the situation.

That’s when everything got worse.

After I apologized, she told me that she had sex with my husband.

My husband says she’s lying and thinks she could be trying to create drama or hurt him because of issues related to her own case/situation. But from my perspective, I also can’t understand why someone would randomly make something that serious up after I had already backed off and apologized.

What’s messing with my head is:

His explanation about the suit and the note honestly DID make sense.

I initially felt reassured enough to apologize to her.

Then she suddenly escalated things massively by claiming they slept together.

After saying she would call me, she stopped responding.

Now I feel like I’m stuck choosing who is more believable without actual proof.

I genuinely cannot tell if:

She’s telling the truth and my husband is lying, or

She’s lying/manipulating the situation and my husband is telling the truth.

I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to analyze every detail and figure out what’s real. Has anyone dealt with a situation where you had conflicting stories like this? How did you figure out the truth?

TL;DR Found a handwritten note from another woman in my husband’s suitcase after a guys trip. He explained that the suit he wore out with his friend was also used for detective bureau/work events, so the note accidentally ending up in the suitcase honestly made sense to me. I initially panicked and messaged the woman, but then felt guilty for assuming cheating and apologized to her for the misunderstanding. After I apologized, she suddenly claimed she had sex with my husband. My husband says she’s lying to create drama/hurt him. She then stopped responding after saying she’d call me. Now I genuinely don’t know who to believe and feel like I’m going crazy trying to figure out what’s true.

EDIT: the note was actually a list of questions to ask the woman for the I investigation but I interpreted as her name and number on there and her saying she owes him money. It also had a sticky note with her name and number. I can’t be more detailed

UPDATE: my friend just found a pic of her in front of a police car of the place my husband used to work at. Before I mentioned the fact that I found the note, I asked if he knew anyone by the name. He said ughh I knew someone from before we met and we worked at *this place* together. And this has to be a lie because the car details don’t match what he said, they match the more recent place he was at. I’m fucked