How can I maintain a friendship (suicide mentioned)
I don't know which flair fits this the best, so I will leave it as friendship (I am not good with paragraphs, so if the paragraphs are incorrectly split, I am sorry):
I am 15m. I am going into year 11 after the summer (2 weeks). For my entire life, since finding out I am gay, I have been supressing it and I have refused to accept it to myself. I went into year 10 with the same mindset. But I met a guy in class and at first sight, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him instantly, and I couldn't ignore the feelings I had for him so it forced me to accept my sexuality. The few weeks where I was in the stage of accepting it were horrible but once I had finally come to terms with it, in like late October, I loved it. I loved being in love with this guy and at that point (and still is now), he was the only thing I cared about. I didn't give a shit about anything other than this guy and he was the only reason for everything I did. He has been the only reason I would turn up to school and he has stopped me from killing myself many times (he doesn't even know) with just the thought of seeing him the next day and if we share a lesson the next day that we interact in a lot.
Around May, in science, I was moved to a seat where me and this guy would interact a lot. Then in German, I was moved to a completely different class entirely (German was where we would interact the most). I think if I wasn't moved in science, I may have killed myself because he was the only thing that mattered to me.
We grew closer and I would say we were mates by the end of year 10. The same night we broke up for the summer, I messaged him and just told him I liked him. He politely said that he doesn't swing that way and we had a full chat for about an hour about how we can keep it niche and prevent people from finding out (this wasn't him being nice, he was scared about him getting terror). But he was nice about the entire thing and said that we are good and will keep it normal in September and we left it there on good terms. I should mention that about 10 of my mates knew about me liking him and that he turned me down
About a week later, this troll account on TikTok started commenting on my videos his initials and started mentioning him and saying how I asked him out and both me and him dealt with the troll and we had a small conversation about it and that also ended on positive terms. The troll promised both of us that he would stop. He blocked the account still though
He didn't stop. He did even more and even worse and I think this angered the guy (From now on I will refer to him as G, for "The Guy") because apparently some of G's friends had seen the profile, which said in it's bio that I asked G out and they probably asked G about it.
About 5 days ago, I have started texting in my sleep and doing other things, like scrolling on TikTok and reposted videos and making stories for both TikTok and Snapchat. I think on the first night, in my sleep, I messaged G on Snapchat something and he blocked me (I know I am no longer added and I don't see another reason for it) and I just hope it wasn't bad. A few days later, I messaged G on TikTok and I know what I said. It was bad and I was asking if he was mad, how I love him and I still want to crack him. G blocked me and said "Don't message me" By this point, I had moved on from G (it had been a month), I still liked him and was in love with him (still am) as he is still the same guy I fell in love with a year ago, but I am over him. But the blockage as well as his message really hurt. This is why I think he is mad about the TokTik troll more than me as I don't see why he would be mad at me for a sleep text that I can't choose to send (pretty sure he knows it was a sleep text). I don't think it was very fair of G, like he could have given me a chance to explain myself, but it is what is I guess.
I was planning on messaging him on Instagram to explain everything. This was my draft that I had:
"I am so sorry to message you when you asked not to and even blocked me and I know I definitely shouldn’t and I feel like a complete dickhead but stuff like this really stresses me out. For clarification, I was asleep when I sent those messages and I would not say that with intention. Do not treat anything I sent as factual or if I sent you something a few nights ago (which I am guessing I did and is why you are pissed) then if it was bad, also do not treat it as factual, but those messages I sent were bad to be fair and I completely understand why you blocked me. A long message is the opposite of what I should do but I don’t know how to put this into a short message. You do not have to reply to this or unblock me and I promise that I will not message again, I just had to explain, I hope you understand. Again, I am so sorry for messaging, but I would rather you be pissed at me and have context than be pissed at me without context"
I changed my mind and wont message him and I will give him the next 2 weeks without a message (unless someone in the comments suggests otherwise).
The thing I need help with is that me and G have ended on a very bad note. We return to school in 2 weeks and how things are right now, I think he will try and avoid me. I won't forgive myself if I fuck up our friendship before it has been given a chance to start and I am scared that we can't be mates and I will kill myself. I am not out to my family, and I will not come out to them yet, I am only out to people at my school, so it isn't like family can help me with my mental health and my mates aren't exactly ones that are good in these situations (I have spoken to a few though). I don't want advice on who I should talk to or anything, I want advice on G. G meant the world to me, and now it seems like we can't even be chill and I feel sick thinking about that.
I was thinking of asking my Maths teacher (the only lesson I KNOW we share in year 11) if I can sit next to G, just to give us a chance to break the ice. Because I can't lie, if my life depends on it, I will not approach G first and I am scared that he won't approach me, so us sitting together guarantees that we will talk and gives a huge opportunity to break the ice. And the worst case scenario, it goes bad and I can just ask to move away - our relationship is already bad, so there is not much to lose, but a lot to gain. And if I me and G do have the chance to try and maintain a friendship, but it fails, I don't think it will be bad enough for me to kill myself (just how my mind works) since I have been given a chance, but I don't have that opportunity, the idea of me killing myself feels too real and I am genuinely terrified.
Note: While writing, I did accidentally write his name and I did go back and change it to G, but if I have missed any, please let me know so I can change it.