u/Lindsay13rooke

I'm so over today. This wake up for school, is a fucking joke. Why am I sending my daughters to school after years of keeping them out of the system? AGHHHHHH. I already know why, yesterday they asked to go back to in person school. So naturally I bit my tongue and registered them. I give them 90 days. But today on day 1 for my middle. My God. I am so over it. We allow our bodies to go to bed when it wants and wake up when it wants. Our circadian rhythm to feed our souls and my children are the same way. We were thriving. Now, here we are stressed the fuck out, tired, and cranky.... for what? So they can sit in a system that literally is so outdated, it's run the same for the last 100 years and will produce no future for them with the direction of technology and the way the world is headed. What skills are they actually learning? None that are useful. Standardize testing. Eat me. Memorization, it's a joke. Why am I doing this? Oh, yes. I know why because I do everything to not be like how I was raised, I give my children an actual seat the table and I don't let them skip the lessons, when I so desperately want to. I have worked so hard to remove my children from the machine's shelf. Makes sense since I was delivered into it at almost my daughter's age now. Wild to think. This limited belief, that it is only black or white is so false. There is an entire grey area that is exceptional to live in. So, ya. Back at the systems door because they have a seat at the table. I'm supportive. I'm packing lunches, I am driving them and picking them up. I am biting my tongue. But right now I fucking hate it. I hate how it is designed and I hate what it does to families. More stress than good. I hate what it is doing to my family on day 1.

For years I thought the trap was being wanted. It wasn't. The trap was that the same world that taught me my value was in being wanted was the one that punished me for being wantable. You're rewarded for it and shamed for it by the same hands. Once I saw it was a setup and not a personal failing, I stopped trying to win a game that was built for me to lose.

Real healing is when you stop letting the worst thing that happened to you introduce you into every room. I spent seventeen years circling the wound in therapy, naming it, telling the story, calling that healing. It wasn't. The healing started when I stopped letting it be the first thing people learned about me.

For years I thought the trap was being wanted. It wasn't. The trap was that the same world that taught me my value was in being wanted was the one that punished me for being wantable. You're rewarded for it and shamed for it by the same hands. Once I saw it was a setup and not a personal failing, I stopped trying to win a game that was built for me to lose.

I spent seventeen years circling the wound in therapy, naming it, telling the story, calling that healing. It wasn't. The healing started when I stopped letting it be the first thing people learned about me.

Why doubt enters when something real transpired. The doubt is the knowledge you gained something real.