u/Longjumping_Cry709

I feel so terrified. I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the other side. Ive been healing for several years. The last year or so have been extremely intense, relentless, agonizing and painful, the layers of pain keep coming off through the flashbacks. It’s been SO hard, SO painful and SO dark for so long it’s hard to keep going. I know I must be getting close…like I can feel my ‘self’ dissolving and God moving in. It’s so fucking scary. But I can’t give up now.

If you can just offer some compassion and words of care, I’d appreciate it.

NO ADVICE, but respectful, thoughtful replies of relevant wisdom or encouragement are welcome.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THIS!!!!!

9 years of healing and it’s more hellish than ever

I feel so shameful and guilty. Every minute of every day feels agonizing. I’m homeless and I feel like I’m in a never ending loop with no escape, like some horror movie. The last 6 months has been relentless and chaotic.

I have done SO MUCH healing work and yet the fountain of pain continues. I just want it all to stop.

I would like responses of genuine care.

NO advice.

EDIT.: And please don’t say it will get better because you don’t know that and I don’t know that.

Every minute of my day is agonizing.

Please just send me some compassion.

Does anyone else experience this?

I’ve been homeless for 8.5 months and staying mostly in shelters. I’ve had to switch shelters 10 times, each time it was like I had a strong feeling that I had to leave. I also spent time here and there sleeping at the airport or staying awake all night at a cafe but I only lasted a week or so before I just wanted a bed to sleep in and a place to store my bags. So then I went to another shelter.

I arrived at a new shelter 3 days ago and yesterday I felt like I spent the whole day fighting with God. I feel like I’m going crazy. If I leave here I’ll be living on the streets. I don’t know if I can even physically do that. How would I ever feel safe sleeping outside?

I’m a 55 year old woman who has C-PTSD. I’ve been doing healing work for several years and the last 1.5 years have been extremely intense and excruciating. This all just seems so insane. I’m so fucking frustrated and terrified.

Please respond in an empathetic and respectful way.

I feel like I want to die.

EDIT: I’ve been homeless for 8 months. Staying in shelters is so hard, staying on the street is unimaginable. I feel utterly hopeless at this point. The distress I feel right now is indescribable.

I’m not a Christian but I am spiritual. And the more I’ve healed, the more my false self has dissolved and the more I’ve connected with this supreme entity which I believe is everything—all of existence.

I do believe that I’m being healed through the triggers and situations that come into my life but why don’t I experience God/Divine as a being who is gentle, compassionate and patient? Why doesn’t God communicate with me more clearly and directly? Why does my healing/awakening journey feeling hellish, brutal, excruciating, agonizing and relentless…and so fucking complicated? What kind of being would make life so hard and so painful for so many? Some part of me has been hopeful that I’ll make it to the other side, to the peace, joy, connection so I keep going…yet I’ve never felt so alone, so miserable and in such terror and despair. Where is God’s comfort and love? Why don’t I feel it?

All I can say is all this fucking hard work better be worth it.

I don’t need anyone to answer my questions. I don’t need advice. I’m just writing this to express how I feel right now. If you have some words of compassion and empathy, I’d appreciate it.

This is SO AGONIZING.

And on top of it all I feel ashamed that I’m not somehow managing better. This is what my family brainwashed me to believe—that I couldn’t cope well. So they inflicted a ton of pain on me and then shamed me for struggling.

Those fuckers!!!

55,F. I have been healing and awakening for about 14 years. 5.5 years ago I realized I had C-PTSD from childhood abuse. I had 2 narcissistic parents who were very controlling and oppressive. I had to people please and fawn to survive. I came out of that family a shell of a person, completely disconnected from my feelings, needs, values and boundaries. I’ve done a MASSIVE amount of work on myself including TONS of processing trauma and pain so I’m now I fairly functional emotionally intelligent/mature person with a deep connection to my inner being.

So my journey really became more of an awakening about 10 months ago when I started to notice a voice spontaneously arise in my mind that can only describe as truth or God. It was as if clearing out all of that pain made space for God to move in. At the time, I had lost my apartment and most of my belongings due to the severity of my emotional flashbacks and no longer being able to work.

God has been guiding me through this experience of homelessness but it’s been absolutely terrifying a lot of the time especially when God told me in various ways to leave a shelter. I have continued healing through this extremely difficult time and I know that the amount of shame, guilt and terror of abandonment is less than before. And I’ve been doing my best to surrender to this feeling of truth but it’s so incredibly agonizing and distressful because I still don’t fully trust God and therefore can’t fully surrender. Sometimes what God seems to want me to do seems insane and I’ve wondered if I’m going crazy. It just seems to get harder and harder. I’m so scared of being used and controlled as I was as a child.

I would say my awakening has been extreme, the pain so excruciating for so long and the bold actions that have been required have been very daunting.

But I’m still here somehow, thank God. And I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has found it hard surrendering due to intense fear from childhood wounds.

I don’t want any direct advice. I’d rather just hear your experience and what has worked for you. If you have some words of genuine care, empathy and validation I would appreciate that, too, as this has been a HELLISH and HORRIFYING and DEEPLY SAD time for me. If you reply with sensitivity and attunement, I will reply to you. If you are disrespectful and thoughtless, I will not.

Thanks for listening.🙏

It’s been like a never-ending hell—I’m actually reposting this with some added ranting.

*55,F, started healing several years ago, have done very intense and deep healing work in the last few years—very painful, excruciating at times, literally crying thousands and thousands of times.

*homeless for the last 8 months…mostly staying at shelters but currently without a shelter and feel so terrified and so tired.

I’m just SO FUCKING TIRED OF ALL OF THIS. It’s been too hard for too long. I don’t know how to keep going like this. I stay in a shelter as long as I can and then when my inner child gets too suicidal I leave. (I’ve left 9 shelters now—it’s ridiculous). Then I try to get by for as long as I can staying at a mall, the library, the airport and an all night cafe until I’m sleep deprived and exhausted. Then I go back to a shelter. Being amongst a bunch of dysfunctional strangers is disturbing but not being able to get proper sleep is also very distressful.

I feel trapped in an endless loop of insane hell. I’m in constant flashbacks, constant emotional pain—waves of shame, guilt, anger, sadness, terror and hopelessness and suicidal feelings. And I’m alone in all of this. It’s AGONIZING.

I’m so fucking terrified. I’ve been having waves of terror and panic like I’ve never felt before. I feel like I’ve reached an end. I have no idea how to keep living/surviving. Last night, I slept for about an hour outside on a bench and then stayed in a cafe. I’m scared to go to another shelter now because I know I’ll just have to leave after a week or two, maybe three if I’m lucky. It’s pointless. I’m going nowhere. And I can’t live at the library & mall and continue to get barely any sleep.

I’m completely alone.

I’m freaking out here. My life feels over. I’ve never felt so beyond beyond the end of my rope—like I’m at the thread of thread of the end of the rope.

If you can offer some empathy and validation, I’d really appreciate it. I feel so horribly alone in this time of crisis and intense distress.

NO ADVICE.

I really want to live but this has been hell for so long. It would be nice if I had a choice in case things really go to shit.

I’m just feeling so alone here and this feels so terrifying. I’ve been recovering healing for about 14 years—the last 6 years (since I realized I had C-PTSD) processing so much trauma and pain, literally thousands of layers of emotional pain. And the last year and a half being extremely intense, excruciating, relentless. I guess I would say I felt like it become more like awakening about 9 months ago, just before I went homeless. I feel like God/Source is taking over and I’m losing control. I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. It’s been horrifying.

I DO NOT want advice.

If you could offer empathy, validation and compassion and understanding, I would appreciate it. And then share a bit if you have a similar experience. Thanks.

It’s an agonizing hell.

Fuck those bastards for terrorizing me.

55,F
8 years of healing
homeless for 8 months, staying in shelters

Alone

Constant flashbacks—Feeling terrified and/or feeling like I want to die

I have been fighting SO FUCKING HARD, wanting to live, to make it to the other side of this

But fuck, it’s just too much to bear right now. It’s just been too hard for too long.

Any words of empathy, validation or compassion would be appreciated.

NO ADVICE

I HATE you MOMMY!!!!!
I HATE you daddy!!!!!
I HATE you God!!!!!!
I HATE this fucked up world!!!!!

I fucking hate life right now!!!

I’M FUCKING HOMELESS!!!!!

I’m eating beans out of a can and panicking when I can’t find my spoon!

Staying at shelters has been so fucking hard. 8 months of it.

So I’m now sleeping at the fucking airport.

I don’t know what I hate more—the shelters or this. They both suck!!

Shelters—I’m having to deal with all the dysfunctional people and addicts which my inner child really doesn’t like and I think she starts feeling trapped after 3 or 4 weeks. But I have a home-base to go to, a warm bed, a shower, 3 meals a day…some kind of stability.

Street—I’m having to spend my time at a mall, the library, the airport, cafes and carrying my bags every where I go. I’m sleep deprived and even little things like brushing my teeth, remembering to take my meds, clipping my nails, getting to a place where I can shower…all feel so hard and tiresome.

I’m in a flashback, in emotional pain, 24-fucking-7…constant shame and guilt, terror&panic, sadness, rage, utter despair.

I’m also having a fucking spiritual awakening on top of it all.

And I’m fucking alone through all of this.

It’s fucking brutal
It’s fucking harsh
It’s fucking grueling
It’s fucking agonizing
It’s fucking horrifying
It’s fucking relentless

FUCK I HATE ALL OF THIS.

How am I supposed to believe God is good or kind or loving or full of compassion when I’m going through THIS MUCH pain and suffering. God seems to me like the biggest fucking narcissistic ever. It’s all just a big fucking game to God, using humans as pawns for their own entertainment.

My life feels like a cruel joke.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of all of this!!! I’ve been working on myself and healing for 14 fucking years.

I want to fucking die most of the time.

I wish I could fall asleep and wake up as a new born baby with healthy, mature, loving parents and have a brand new chance at life.

FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

I just needed to express that.

NO ADVICE.

If you are able to respond in an attuned way with empathy and validation and compassion, I would appreciate it.

If you can’t please don’t bother to respond because it will only trigger me more.

Please share your experience.

I’ve been having an extremely intense healing and awakening process and now am in the lowest point of my adult life. I feel like a sinking ship. I need a miracle.

*EDIT* I’ve been homeless and staying in shelters for almost 8 months. Now I’m not even in a shelter. I can’t see any way forward anymore. It’s so scary. I’ve never felt so utterly hopeless.