u/Loopylisey

I am currently going through the motions of a separation with my partner. We have a baby under 1 years old. I left because of my mental and emotional safety as well as the safety of my son due to my partner using narcotics in the house. I didn't know it it when I was in it but I learned after the fact that what I experienced was considered a lot of verbal abuse due to constant gaslighting and manipulation with lies.

In light, in light of this, I don't want to block my partner from having access to his son, but I want to make sure our son is safe when there are visitations.

I've been doing a lot of research and read that drug tests are necessary, I just don't really know what the best approach is to get it done. Would at home kits work just as well? I tried searching for clinics in my city but I couldn't find anything, so maybe I'm not googling the right terminology? And finding a lot of clinics that can test someone's drugs which is the opposite of what I want.

I also am not sure how to go about parenting time that is appropriate for our baby's age but also ensuring it's done in a safe way. I guess this kind of goes back to the drug test inquiry. It looks like I have an opportunity list the days and time allotments of the visitation and I just wanted to make sure I'm going about it in the best way possible from the start.

My husband and I are separated (2 months) due to breaking the boundary of having substances in the home with our baby and to protect my mental and emotional state as the trauma of his verbal abuse started to make me feel so tired and worthless of my own self over the last 7 months.

Although we are separated, I've told him that he needs to want to get more help for his depression and his substance use which he denies is a problem for me to consider reconciliation. But most importantly he needs to do it for his son to be the father be wanted to be.

He is (or was) doing pyschotherpsy but he hasn't been able to find energy to call our son to say goodnight for the last month. He skips out on our sons activities and appointments because of his depression, instead he will only come meet us to walk back to my home which is about 45mins only. Could he be doing more to heal faster and better? Or is this how recovery is like - very slow...

He's isolated himself so much that he just stays in the apartment every day. He doesn't work BC he's on leave for his depression, and he only talks to two friends and sometimes his parents. But msot of the time he's alone and I feel so hurt and sad, like I've abandoned him. But I also feel like its his choice to stay hidden - is that right of me to feel like he's not doing enough to pull himself out?

He told a friend recently that he believes we will divorce in the end so why try and fix himself? To the point he said he doesn't feel the need to stop using substances because of the likelihood that we will.be divorced in the end. Hearing this makes me feel like he doesn't want to change. But I also can't help but feel like am I the motivation and because I removed myself from the home I'm the reason he can't be better?

I am full of emotions every day. I know I need to protect myself, give myself self care so I can be healthy for my son. But I don't know how I can be there for my husband without his chaos bringing me down.

I've been dealing with my partner's mental health for almost the entire time our son was born, 8 months ago. It started off with lack of financial stability and safety (couldn't contribute to his share), constant sleeping and exhaustion, late nights up, and really bizarre spending that racked up my credit card.

Eventually he finally realized he had depression and started seeing a therapist 5 months after our son was born.

Around that time is when I started to realize he may have been doing cocaine in the house instead of the social 3 times he went out that I was made aware of. I came across 3 fullish plates of it and a few empty baggies in total and that's when I had to set a boundary that there could be no drugs and he had to be clean for the safety of our son.

During that time,I realized that I had been gaslit and manipulated so much to the point I didn't trust my instincts or know myself. I was almost feeling so much anxiety being a new mom, I now felt so much more anxiety about what my husband was up to, what he was lying about and if our son was safe or not. I moved out and started the process of a separation.

During the few days, I noticed he's been admitting to the issues, but at the same time I'm hearing contradictory reports that he's saying things like "he's only doing therapy for me and that he has no issues". He claims he is not using it but I just can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. He doesn't have energy to call out son just to say goodnight, he says he will come to the baby classes but misses it and only makes it to walk is home.

If and when he truly gets help, how does someone ever trust someone like him again? How would I know if what he is telling me are lies to manipulate me? How could I trust that he will never endanger our son? How can I discern the difference from him failing as a father due to depression vs use? When does depression stop becoming an excuse and is it even a good excuse because he uses it for everything. I want him to get better, but ultimately I don't even know how to tell if someone is truly getting better form within or if it's all just surface level to say what I want to hear.

I am separated from my partner due to his depression and substance use to protect my mental health and baby's safety. His parents recently got looped in and they want him to move home to support him but he doesn't want to.

They came to me with a proposal which makes me uncomfortable.

They want me to move in with them, so that their son can move home and ultimately their grandson has both parents. I feel like they aren't considering how I am affected by this - being around my husband gives anxiety because of all the lying and gaslighting I've had to deal with and I also am uncomfortable because of the safety of our son until I know he's clean.

Additionally, they are stressed and worried because they don't know how to help him while he's at the apartment. He doesn't share much with them so they've asked me to see him everyday to make sure he's okay and keep them posted.

I understand they are stressed but all these asks of them are making me feel guilty like I need to help. But I've tried for months and once he put our son in danger that was the boundary and the cutoff for me. I feel like these aren't fair asks. But how do I say no without coming across as someone who doesn't care about their son? I love and care about my partner so much even in light of the separation, but I'm not able to be his support and looping his family in seems to make it feel like there is more work on my end that I don't have energy for. I need to care for my son first.

Edit: my partner has said that without our son and I, then there is no reason to life. So much of this sentiment makes me feel like their sons life is in my hands.

Husband is depressed and may be using substances to help mask his feelings.

Today is Mother's Day and we have a 9-month-old baby together. I got a very nice mother's Day message from him even though we are separated for the last month and a half. But when I responded to him, he followed up with an ask for money.

Currently, he has no income because the short-term hasn't been approved for the last 3 months (he hasn't been proactive in getting it approved) and as much as I feel for his situation even though he put himself in it, I also can't help but feel like he used kindness to ask for a favour. Especially, on all days to ask, on Mother's Day, my first mother's day.

Over the last few months, I've noticed unusual behaviour and actions of my husband. I'm concerned that he is/has been using cocaine in our home, even after I had set a boundary that there would be no drugs in the house and no use inside or outside. We have a baby under 1 year which puts me on high alert as I consider the safety of our baby.

I strongly believe he is also experiencing depression and part of me feels like perhaps he's using as a way to mask his feelings and ignore them, but now it's gotten to the point where he may be dependent. So much I know sounds unknown because when I ask, he admits to nothing and often questions me if I think he has an addiction. Some of his behaviours are the following:

- asking family and friends for money all at the same time, or asking to not tell anyone to keep to secret from each other. Often the reasons he needs it is the same reason, or they are flat out lies.

- hiding in his office to play video games. Telling me that he feels a lot of shame and guilt for his depression and gaming is the only way through it.

- staying up late in his office because he can't sleep, often saying he feels anxiety. As a result he'll sleep in the next day.

- physically finding substances a few times in the home prepared.

- gaslighting and finding reasons why he has it in the house whether it's because he got excited and didn't know how it ended up on the plate, he was preparing it on sunday for the upcoming weekend and fell asleep next to it on the floor, or that it was leftover from the weekend and he'll just finish it that night to get rid of it.

- one day I noticed he was talking extremely fast and very fidgety. His pupils were dialed but he claimed that he was so tired he was speaking fast to get the words out before hed forget.

After the second time of finding it in the house, I set a boundary of no drugs in the house or use it inside or outside for the safety of our son. He broke the boundary when I found it a third time. This time he has a razor and a straw in his hand with the plate hidden under a paper towel. And that's when I issued a separation because I started to realize that my anxiety spiked whenever I was around him. I am open to revisiting our relationship if he showed that he is getting help but if he doesn't then divorce is the only way to protect myself and our son. I feel unsafe emotionally and mentally when I was living with him, constantly on edge and anxious where I couldnt sleep or make food for myself. As well as financially as his asks for money increased. He opened a loan without my knowledge as well and truly I don't know the details of it and it scares me because there may be more.

How do I navigate him getting access to our baby? He will forever be the father to our son, but I don't feel comfortable being alone with my husband, I don't feel comfortable being in the apartment because I don't know how safe it is considering our son is crawling and putting everything in his mouth now. Has anyone been in my situation? Wanting some advice on how you managed this journey.