u/Lopsided_Emotion5707

Guys, I went and added back a bonus smutty chapter. Let’s pretend it was there all along, yeah?

The new smutty interlude is now Chapter 5.

Check it out here!

There is rope.

Excerpt

“Who would like to try it first? Of course, Hermione, the goal is to restrain you, and Severus.” His voice dropped to a low pitch on the word restrain. “But perhaps you’d feel more comfortable watching someone else experience it first?”

Hermione nodded, though perhaps reluctantly. Her eyes were fixed on the rope in Giancarlo’s hands.

Giancarlo put one hand on Draco’s shoulder and pushed him downwards, uttering “Kneel” in a way that was both soft but also loud enough for everyone in the room to appreciate. Draco dropped down immediately, and Giancarlo instructed him to vanish his shirt and trousers. “You may leave your pants on, if you choose,” he said. “Assuming you are wearing any.”

argh - I don’t know how to fix this one.

I posted a less-inspired, less-weird chapter of my silly crack fic, because it felt overdue. And today I realized I had some fun, absurd, smutty elements I meant to include and forgot about (because I hadn’t checked me notes). 

So I wrote up the funny smutty chunks today and now I don’t know where to put them.

1. If I go back and add them in to the prior chapter (where they fit most naturally), won’t my most dedicated readers miss them entirely? or
2. Do I force them into a new chapter, where they don’t quite fit flow-wise?

Help!

(Thanks for the help. I did my best to manage it. The smut is now… inserted).

(With a hopefully not-confusing note)

Chapter 5 is up!

Having so much fun writing this!

Though I was in a panic this morning at having yo do some Plot! But then I enjoyed where it ended up :-)

Silly crack fic! If you have any tropes I must skewer or other characters I must bring in, let me know!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/82043456

Draco attacks the problem; Harry attacks Draco. Nothing goes as expected.
 
sssSsss
 
“Draco nearly died hundreds of times as a child,” Harry said with awe. “It’s a pureblood thing. His parents threw him into an active volcano once just to see what he would do.”

(Anyone willing to alpha/beta/brit read in future, please DM!)

I’ve really gotta work on my posting techniques lol!

This should have been one chapter, but it is two. I do think things are starting to get very, very interesting-

This is my own weird version of omegaverse-at-hogwarts.

Check it out here:
https://archiveofourown.org/works/84228286

Paint-a-mort feels like its trying too hard. I’m planning to write a weak, frustrated portrait voldemort in a humorous fic.

Any name ideas?

Or other ideas I should include?

Thanks!

As a newish member of the community, I’ve only just trained myself to comment more often, because I’ve been told comments give life and I don’t want my favorite writers to die.

However, my comments are of the variety : “Enjoyed!” Or “So good,” whilst I now see that for many people, the comments themselves are an art form, with hilarious exchanges and sometimes recommendations, stalking, or hero worship.

Now I feel like an inadequate commentor and I’m back to being afraid to comment. Will I be judged as boring? Should I just eat at a table by myself?

Perhaps I should find an emoji and just do that for every comment. Saying no words can make one seem mysterious and deep, right? As if one’s feelings are too ineffable to say out loud?

I labeled this “circle jerk” to hide the fact that it is my true emotional journey. Will sarcasm save me the embarrassment of being vulnerable?

Are there fics where hermione is a literal pet ie cat animagus? I have to admit the “pet mudblood” theme is one of my favorites and I’d love to see it played out in different ways.

And I must be on a roll today, because I just posted an update to my humor/crack fic, Minerva Fights Back.

Chapter 4: The Trouble With Broom Cupboards

In this chapter, Harry and Draco show up to help fight the sex curse, and Draco learns something he didn’t know about all those broom cupboards he had sex in at Hogwarts.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/82043456/chapters/215886476

Thanks for checking it out!

Trying to wrestle this pair over into a f*** or die type scenario on AO3. It’s a weird-omega verse world.

Any feedback wildly appreciated.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/84228286

Holp! Are there good subreddits or discords for workshopping or finding alpha/beta/brit readers?

I’m trying to move my fic along but the plot has tangled me up and now I’m drowning.

This is a fic where snape is treating hermione as a prisoner (starts with a brutal SA) but then it’s slowly revealed that it’s an act for voldemort and that once a week or so he restores her memories and helps her do research on horcruxes, then takes her memory and they return to a few more days of prisoner/captor status.

Also interested in other recs where snape is keeping hermione prisoner but secretly protecting or helping her

I keep seeing fics where the author forbids wattpad posting but no idea what that means.

Also - anyone know what a sloopy is?

Our installer recommends a five and says he sees the 7 have issues more often. Our house is very leaky, 1973 with massive windows, 3500 sqft in maryland. Just moved in in October so we are new to the house. $8k difference in price for the 7. Getting off oil (we spent about 2-3k for this year).

Would we be just as happy with the 5? Do those of you with 5s have issues with noise or capacity?

Thanks! It’s all new to us and we don’t know what we are getting

I started in snamione, then read a bunch of dramione, now on drarry.

And it really strikes me that hermione so often ends up as some variety of a sex slave/prisoner of war where Harry doesn’t (or not nearly as much).

It feels like the stories we tell are so influenced by gender that we will put females in situations we wouldn’t put males in.

Makes me see the appeal of slash to women, because then you can write pairings where there’s true equality between them whereas there’s more control or power over hermione in many versions of her story.

Iuno. Just been reading since February so it’s all new to me still. Just processing the themes. I honestly didn’t expect such distinct feeling with each pairing.

Ch. 2 is a history of Hermione’s heats so far.

All have been weird. All have involved Snape.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/84228286"

Why is he always there,” Hermione groaned into her butterbeer the next day. A major disadvantage of having two best mates that were both boys was that she ended up talking to them about these things more than she wanted to, and none of them appreciated that.

But she had to complain. She felt like she would explode if she didn’t.

Harry and Ron looked awkward and didn’t say much. She hadn’t gone into detail, just said that she’d gone into heat unexpectedly and Snape had given her potions to stall it off.

“I can help you out again, if you need me to,” Ron offered. Ever the hero. Hermione had spent her last heat with him, and she considered it a disaster. And she hated the idea that Ron liked her better in heat, that he preferred it when she didn’t speak much and just wanted to shag.

Hermione did not consider it a complement.

Going through a heat with Ron had killed her crush on him.

There were certain things that were normal for her and not for him. Ron had a look of panic on his face when she smeared his cum around the bedsheets or rolled it around on her tongue and spread it up and down her body. These were natural instincts to her, but she’d never forget the look on his face when she tried to kiss him with semen smeared on her face.

After a horrible beginning, her heat with Ron had settled into awkward. Nothing to write home about.

Not that she’d yet given her parents a full explanation of the extremities of wizarding biology. She didn’t want them to have simultaneous heart attacks.

Still, this experience with Snape really brought home what a disaster a breakthrough heat could be. The last thing Hermione wanted in the middle of a war was to be forced to take a few days out for biology. Heats were a vulnerable time for both parties in the best of circumstances, and without access to modern protections - safe houses and monitors and potions to manage the whole thing - it could be dangerous.

She needed control.

This whole thing felt like such a curse. Magic had been a gift when she discovered it at 11. Now it felt like a trap, controlling human hormones in this way.

“Thanks, Ron,” Hermione said. “But I’m not in heat now. Snape managed to stop it in its tracks. It’s just very embarrassing that he’s always there when I’m having issues managing the whole” she waved her fork in the air - “Omega thing. He’s always there.”

They both grunted in sympathy, and Harry gave her one of his “I get it looks,” before switching the topic back to quidditch and Draco Malfoy, the only two things ever on Harry’s mind this year.
 
6the year

The aborted heat at Grimmauld place was Hermione’s fourth heat, and so far, every single one had been a disaster. Everything about her heats felt unplanned and out of her control.

Hermione hated being out of control.

Heat number 1 - Unconscious (with Snape)

She didn’t even remember most of her first heat.

It had triggered after she’d returned from the
Department of Mysteries. She’d been in a coma for a solid week. She was later told that Professor Snape had to intervene in her care, brewing her ten specialized potions a day to counteract Dolohov’s curse. On the fourth day that she lay unconscious, she had gone into her first heat. Her scent changed, her temperature increased rapidly, and she was drenched in slick and sweat. Or so Hermione heard later. Rather horrifying to think of herself in that state while Snape and Pomfrey took turns forcing potions down her throat every two hours. And that was the first time Snape forced suppressants on her, trying to slow down the inferno of her first heat before she even knew what it was.

When she awoke on day 7, she was intensely aroused. She’d experienced what felt like a lifetime of erotic dreams, all of them punctuated by Snape’s voice commanding her to open up, to drink up, to swallow. She came awake when he was propping her up with a potion at her lips. A series of orgasms were wracking her body at the time, which were too intense to feel good. She opened her mouth and absolutely howled in delight and anguish.

Snape used the opportunity to force the potion down, and immediately stood up and away from the bed, watching from above with his dark gaze while her body shuddered. Humiliating. He turned and left the room they’d found to hide her away in, and a little while later Madame Pomfrey returned with a stack of entirely inadequate pamphlets about heats. Hermione had read all of those in 3rd year, and none of them had prepared her for the ache permeating her and the embarrassment of having her first orgasms while her sneering potions professor manhandled her unconscious body.

None of them had prepared her for the reality of the collar, either. It was invisible, but she felt it around her throat. “It’s to prevent unwanted mating bites,” Professor Snape informed her on a later day, while selecting from a series of vials he had brought with him. “Every omega is required to wear one until they are at least 25.”

“Why,” she asked. “What if I want a mating bite?”

“You can make that choice when you are 25 and presumably mature enough to understand the consequences,” Snape snapped. “Or as likely to understand them as you ever will be.” Hermione supposed she could see the reason in it, and it’s not as if she wanted to make any major commitments while she was still so young. “Special dispensation is given to engaged couples,” Snape continued. “If you simply cannot have the patience to wait for a little maturity.”

It was a crash course in a part of wizarding biology she hadn’t thought too much about. She later decided she was grateful to have skipped her first heat, which would have required the awkward and rapid selection of a sexual partner from amongst her older classmates, as her own were all just below the age where they were allowed to participate.

Heat number 2 - Neville (and Snape)

For her next heat, she was better prepared. She’d talked to Neville in advance, and his face had become quite determined when he realized what she was asking, as if she’d set him a quest. He would not fail her, she knew. Sure enough, when the time came, they both may have blushed their way right through the early part of the experience, but he’d managed to give her three days of reprieve from the desperate itchy needy feelings that she’d come to associate with her own sexuality.

This despite the fact that Snape was there, monitoring them. Hermione knew that underage students were monitored by Hogwarts staff, but it was still a shock to see Snape sitting in a chair behind a desk in the corner of the room when they arrived. She and Neville both stopped near the doorway, staring at him. “You don’t expect that Hogwarts would leave underage students in the midst of this type of experience without some guidance, do you?” Snape sneered at them. “I am assigned to help you in case either of you should have any . . . questions.” Neville’s face had turned bright red and Hermione kept her eyes firmly away from the bed in the opposite corner of the room.

“No,” Neville squeaked. “No questions.”

Hermione always had questions.

“How long will this last?” she asked. “And how do we ensure that we’ve satisfied the heat so it will go away?”

“Three days is typical,” said Professor Snape. “But only if the omega orgasms at least three times per day, and received adequate….emissions…. to sate them. So I expect we may be stuck here together for quite some time. Dumbledore may have to find yet another Defense Against the Dark Arts professor to replace me.”

Neville was starting to look mad at that. It was an improvement over looking scared.

“Emissions!” Hermione said.

“Yes,” sneered Snape. “The results of the activities you are about to engage in, one would hope. Don’t they have sexual education in the muggle world, too?”

“Of course they do,” Hermione said, also a curious shade of beet at this point. “And I know what emissions are. I just wonder how it would work if neither participant could produce come,” she said, thinking of several prominent lesbian couples in the wizarding world. “Or if the omega were the male.” There were quite a few possible configurations, now that she thought about it.

“As none of these situations apply here,” Snape said with a slow growl, “kindly get to the business at hand. I am here to answer questions relevant to this situation, not to teach an advanced course in the topic.” The conversation was doing odd things to Hermione, whose heat seemed to be ramping up the longer she stood there listening to Snape growl at them. Perhaps her body still associated that voice with the spectacular and explosive set of orgasms she’d had last summer when she’d woken up to find Professor Snape holding her head still, gripping her hair, pouring liquid down her throat. She shivered.

She had one last question. “Can we put curtains up around the bed?” She stared down Snape’s glare, wincing at the wetness slipping down her thighs.

“I’m certainly not going to be watching you,” he replied. “As I’ll be busy despairing over the future of wizarding Britain as I grade your essays. However, if you can transfigure some curtains, I am certainly not going to stop you.” His tone implied he didn’t think they’d be able to manage such a thing, and Neville probably couldn’t.

But Hermione set up a curtain right down the center of the room quite adeptly. “Adequate,” Snape said. “But it would be preferable if you were on the other side.” And with a flick of his wand, the two of them stumbled back behind the curtain, pushed by an invisible hand.

Somehow, Snape had made the experience feel like a test that they might fail. Hermione could see Neville’s will faltering, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the bed, the urgency of the ache building in her abdomen unwilling to tolerate doubt.

“Come on,” she said. “We’ll be fine.” And they were, despite occasional mutterings from Snape where he was clearly commenting on the inadequacy of their specific essays - “3 feet, Granger, when I told you no more than 12 inches,” and “an overreliance on Mandrake root, as always,” which she assumed was aimed at Neville, given the look on his face when he heard the words. And occasionally, there were comments on their current activities, such as “Longbottom, put your mouth to work, I cannot tolerate hearing this unsatisfied whining any longer.”

But the heat helped them tune him out, and they did get into the rhythm of things. Food and drinks appeared for them as if they were at their table in the dining hall, and it turned out they did have some questions for Snape, particularly about contraceptives and what to do when Neville passed out at one point.

They made it through, and Neville had clearly felt proud of himself for seeing to Hermione’s needs satisfactorily during the experience. But the friendship between them was much stronger than any attraction, and so Hermione had been almost relieved when he’d started dating Luna.
The experience also convinced her that relying on friends was a bad idea. Much better to find someone she had real chemistry with.

Heat number 3 - Ron (with - somehow - Snape)

She did have chemistry with Ron, at least she had thought so. And so she’d begun the research into how heats were managed by betas.

She couldn’t imagine a worse disaster than the experience with Ron at the end of sixth year, her third heat. But as she’d told Professor Snape, they HAD engaged in the minimum required acts of coitus and she had experienced enough orgasms that it should have sent the damn urge away for another half year at least. Mcgonnagall had been their monitor that time, and while she didn’t frighten either of them, it made the experience less exciting, in Hermione’s mind. Terror or whatever nervous feeling snape inspired could actually be a stimulant, Hermione had discovered.

Though she still felt as if Snape were a part of her third heat, as well. She’d been holding off her heat until Easter hols, only to find it abruptly triggered following a DADA class in which she and Snape had dueled each other.
Snape had stalked through the classroom, snapping corrections to students as he went. Cutting, but he at least knew the subject well, and Hermione knew she and her classmates were making progress through the curriculum. Hermione had felt snappish all day. She growled at Ron when he tried to offer her a tip for casting a shield. She could feel the power behind her hexes as she cast them wildly, one singing Snape in the back as he stood watching a pair of slytherins practice. He waved off the effect with a flick of his wrist and then turned to scowl at her.

His eyes narrowed, his frown deepened, and he prowled toward her. Hermione could almost see him debating which insult to throw at her before he stopped before her. “Miss Granger, a key aspect of dueling is hitting your target, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I’m so sorry, Professor Snape-,” she tried, but he cut her off.

“In order to practice, you will go work on a training dummy at the back of the class.” He flicked his wrist at her wand. “And to motivate you, every time you miss, the spell will be reflected back on you, instead.” Hermione’s eyebrows shot up, but she knew better than to complain.

“Oh, and 5 points from Gryffindor,” said Snape. “For being a liability in battle.”

The training dummies moved erratically - not quite like people would, and Hermione missed again and again. Hermione tried to switch to a less painful charm, but Snape halted her from across the room.

“We’re practicing stinging hexes today, Miss Granger, not pinching charms. But since you’d rather not do the same lesson as your classmates, you can use a cutting spell, instead. Try SectumMinora.” She gritted her teeth and raised her wand. She was much slower to cast after a few rounds against the training dummy, wanting to be sure of her target before letting loose. “Cast, Granger, you don’t have time in a fight to take all day.”

She cast the spell, and felt shallow cuts along the top of her hand. They weren’t deep enough to bleed much, but felt red and sharp.

By the end of the lesson, her offensive casts were much slower and her shields much faster. She’d been stung or cut all up and down her hands and arms, and a few spots were beginning to well with blood. Her irritableness had grown, and she screamed at Ron when he attempted to heal her.

Snape approached her again. He’d been walking amongst the students as they approached the end of class, rapidly healing those wounds the students could not heal on each other. And he’d stood behind her and cast a healing spell on her, just as she cast her own. And the two healing spells intermingled and sealed her skin up. Then he retreated to the front of the room.

“Weasley,” he called. “And Parkinson. Escort Granger to Pomfrey’s.”

Hermione was startled. She looked back down at her arms. “Professor, I think I can heal the rest on my own. They aren’t too bad.” She looked up at Professor Snape, and realized with surprise that he’d cast a bubblehead charm on himself.

“5 points from Gryffindor for speaking out of turn,” Professor Snape said. “And another 5 for contradicting my instructions. Weasley,” he repeated. “And Parkinson. NOW, before the classes change.” Before they could leave, Hermione saw him cast a notice-me-not and a disillusionment at her, at a distance. She’d never seen a disillusionment cast at a distance, but it appeared to work. Her hands blended into the wall behind her like a chameleon. Harry tried to follow them out of the room, as it was near the end of class, and Snape roared at him to sit back down, then sent a stinksnap charm at her back. Pansy and Ron scrambled away from her as the trio walked down the hallway, faces pinched up.

“Mione, cast me a bubblehead, would you?” asked Ron, who’d never mastered that one. She cast them on all three of them, face scowling at the thick pungent odor of the stinksnap stuck with them down the hallway.

“Blimey, Mione, why’d you have to hit him with that hex?” Ron asked.

“I didn’t do it on purpose, obviously,” she said. But she also didn’t think that was why she was going to Madame Pomfrey’s. Now that she was out of the DADA classroom, and wearing the bubblehead charm, her mind was remarkably clear again. Enough for her to suspect why she’d been in a foul mood all period. Had Professor Snape known? How mortifying. But her suppressants must have failed a little early. Was that why he’d drenched her in such a nasty odor?

This time, however, she and Ron had made a plan. She’d approached Ron about it after he and Lavender Brown had last fizzled out - “It’s ony practical, Ron, as Neville’s dating Luna now.” He hadn’t protested too hard at the idea of seeing her through a heat - had seemed quite eager, actually. Hermione had done the research on how a beta could see an omega through a heat, and already had a kit of potions and aids intended to keep the thing functional.

Except she hadn’t counted on starting her heat smelling like a decaying skunk, and no amount of counter charms could get rid of the smell enough to allow the pair of them to take their bubblehead charms off. Ron’s look of distaste when he’d realized her heat was about to commence NOW had been less than flattering, and they were already bickering by the time Pomfrey had assigned them to a seclusion room. It was a less than auspicious experience.

It had been awkward, to say the least. They’d managed to fumble through their first time together, but Ron had to resort to a potion to keep things going after he came far too soon, and the positions their bubbleheads forced them into were uninspiring, to say the least.

By day two, and after about her 10th shower in two days, they were able to proceed without the bubblehead charms, but the mood was already fairly spoiled by that point, and she was ready to kill Professor Snape for ruining this experience for her. Though she had to admit it wasn’t all his fault. Ron simply wasn’t that creative or flexible, and so when things didn’t proceed according to the pace and positions he was comfortable with, he whinged quite a bit about it, which was a massive turn off for Hermione. But they did engage in the requisite amount of coitus - at least three rounds per day, and Hermione had several begrudging, uninspired orgasms throughout.

So yes, she’d gone through her last heat with Ron. And it should have been fine. Wizards had long since figured out how to accommodate all the pairings, how to allow people to choose their mates rather than letting their biology choose for them.

But there was a certain amount of effort required, willingness to work with circumstances. And after this experience, Hermione knew she would not be attempting this with Ron again. Besides, he'd made her feel like she was weird, like she was too much, just for normal omega things, like seeping what felt like gallons of slick

She’d started contemplating Harry. It was a shame that Harry was the alpha, not Ron. But Hermione didn’t want to go down that route with another good friend, especially not when she knew how Ginny felt about him. But bloody hell it would feel good to experience her next heat with an alpha again.

And then her fourth heat had turned into the biggest disaster of them all. She and Professor Snape rutting like animals, like cavemen, but only for a few glorious moments before Snape halted the whole thing in its tracks. Snape may have stopped her heat, and returned their faculties to them both, but he hadn’t left her satisfied. That brief penetration had been more intense than her other three heats combined. And it left her craving more, despite the additional layer of suppressants she was now on.

She wondered if it was the same for him.

I’ve made no changes to my accounts, but $70 of monthly discounts over my three lines disappeared, plus fee increases. This despite their ad claiming long term price lock.

I’d leave but my spouse doesn’t want to. When our current devices are paid off, i’m going to push to change, however. This is some bs.

The Golden TRIO are making an Omega verse movie!

———————————

Wizards went crazy for movies, once they discovered them. 

The magical world embraced a new openness to all things muggle following the most recent fall of Voldemort. They discovered they were missing some lovely inventions. With their fame and their knowledge of the muggle world, Harry and Hermione were perfectly positioned to make movies for magicians. Harry had a knack for directing; he could see the best parts of the story, and he was a natural unifier. 

Today’s set was busy. The Creevy brothers were setting up the cameras, and a whole team were transfiguring and charming an open field into an approximation of Hogwarts. Harry and Ron had agreed that they’d best not ask McGonnagall for permission to film on location this time. Not for this script. 

A row of trailers held the stars. A piercing scream erupted from the largest trailer with the nameplate H. Granger. Ron and Harry exchanged glances, and then Ron hurried inside. Harry held back. He’d let Ron take a stab at calming her down first. 

Hermione stood near her vanity. Her hair had already been charmed to shoot sparks and to bush up higher around her head. At least, Ron hoped those were charms. Parvati and Padma were trying to get her to sit back down for makeup. 

Hermione screamed right in Ron’s face once he came through the doorway. “DID YOU READ THIS SCRIPT?”

Ron: “Hermione, this story is HUGE. It’s so popular. People are dying to see you in this role.”

Hermione (stepping even closer, nose touching his): “Did. You. Read. It.”

Ron: “….. Yes.”

Hermione: “I’m some kind of helpless creature who cannot physically fight anyone who tries to RAPE ME?”

Ron: “………. It’s sort of a metacommentary on women’s place in society. It’s an exaggeration of actual unequal power dynamics to emphasize the role they play in controlling the female experience.”

Hermione: “AND HALF THE WORLD wants to kidnap and rape me???”

Ron: “Look, this is such an easy role. You have very few lines.”

Hermione: “I KNOW.  I SAY: “ALPHA. ALPHA. PLEASE ALPHA.” THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY TWO TIMES in the first 40 minutes!”

Ron: “It’ll be so easy to remember your lines.  No memorizing required! This will be the easiest role you’ve ever played.”

Hermione: “I spend the entire script either out of control horny and helpless while people try to rape me. I am helpless to even STEP away from them, much less stop them.”

Ron: “It’s a whole universe thing the fans have made….”

Hermione:  “OR I am having marathon sex sessions with a DEATH EATER. There is nothing ROMANTIC about people being compelled to fall in love with anyone who happens to smell a certain way, rergardless of ANYTHING else about them.”

Ron: “Look, MIONE, I cannot tell you  how much this treatment is HUGELY POPULAR with the fans. Draco tests VERY well with our focus groups.”

Hermione: “MAYBE the FANS  shouldn't always get what they want. Maybe the FANS don’t get to see me being subjugated like this. Why would the fans want to imagine a world where biology is destiny?”

Ron: “Look, it’s sort of a commentary on women’s roles in society ….”

He trailed off, looked down at his hand, then forged ahead with…. “and feminism and stuff.” 

Hermione: “THAT is not a thought you’ve ever had.”

Ron: “What do you mean?”

Hermione: “I can see the notecard in your hand.”

Ron: “Look, some very respectable women said that. Because they like to discuss it, because they like to READ this stuff, and then they like to talk about why they like it. But MOSTLY they like to read it. LOTS of it. And they WILL buy tickets to the movie, I PROMISE.”

Hermione: “So everyone on the planet can see me humiliated this way, then?”

Ron: “It’s about connection, it’s about love.”

Hermione: “It’s about me having mindless sex with anyone that SMELLS GOOD to me. In broom cupboards!  Apparently there are HUNDREDS of broom cupboards all over Hogwarts, a magical castle that is cleaned MAGICALLY by elves who DO NOT USE BROOMS.”

Ron: “Don’t think too hard about the logic of the broom cupboards. They’re just a plot device.”

Hermione: :”THere are NO BROOM CUPBOARDS in the hallways in Hogwarts!”

Ron: “Of course not, but it’s a movie. We have to suspend disbelief. The audience doesn’t want to know that we were all frustrated virgins when we graduated.”

Hermione: “and what’s with the constant licking and biting? Do you KNOW how many times Draco rubs semen onto my neck in this script?”

Ron: “It’s erotica, sure. As the main female character, you are literally the most desireable woman in the world. You can see why women like that fantasy.”

Hermione: “What’s erotic about turning us all into dogs sniffing each other’s crotches and going into heats? How are we going to film All This Cum? What’s the rating on this thing, anyway??

Ron: “Harry’s got plans for all that. You have to trust him to make the story good. You trust Harry, right?”

Hermione: “I told you both that I wanted to do adventure roles. I want to be Indiana Jones, with magic! I want to trek through jungles with Neville taming rare deadly intelligent plants. I WANT TO CRACK A WHIP!” 

Ron: “Harry and I are looking for some scripts like that. Look, after you do this role, you can do ANYThiNG you want. People will be dying to see more of you. And I think there are MANY who would like to see you holding a whip.” 

Hermione: “Really?”
 
Ron: “YES.” Then, a few seconds later. “As long as Draco is there, too.”

Hermione: “What was that?”

Ron: “As long as we include Draco. As your love interest, specifically.”

Hermione: “That’s a horrible idea! Neville is perfect for it! He’s a war hero, he’s handsome, he knows how to wield that huge sword!”

Ron: “He tests better as a friend.”

Hermione: “Surely my fans don’t want me to end up with my childhood bully! the guy who committed a LOT of crimes in 6th year!”

Ron: “You and Neville are too nice together. It’s two nice guys. He’s supportive and kind. It’s not interesting, it’s not visceral. You might as well pair up with ME!”

They both snorted at the absurdity of that. 

Hermione: “As if!”

Ron shuddered in aggreement.

Hermione: “Look. Maybe we could make this script work, with some changes. Maybe harry would let me edit this mess.”

Ron (Warily) “What kind of edits?”

Hermione: “Well, this idea of having surgery to get rid of the Omega status. I like that. Let’s make that work.”

Ron: “I don’t think the fans want to see you go into early menopause at 19 years old and then NOT fall in love or have great sex. What would you do, grow old alone with cats while running for minister of magic?”

Hermione: “I’d watch that.”

Ron: “No.” 

Hermione: “Ok. Maybe instead of the Omega thing making me weaker, maybe it enhances my powers and I can defend myself with magic like a real badass, keeping everyone in line around me.”

Ron: “The fans … The fans, though…”

Hermione: “What about them.”

Ron: “You know how they love authenticity to the source material.”

Hermione: “Ron…”

Ron: “They LIKE you helpless, ok. They LIKE it when you’re almsot raped and when you are turned on by it even though you hate it.”

Hermione: “WHY.”

ROn: “It might be a way to process the traumas inherent in the female experience, with that experience being turned on its head by the woman’s…. enjoyment….” 

Ron trailed off in the face of Hermione’s glare. 

Harry appeared, finally, having figured he’d given Ron enough time to work on Hermione. He stepped up to Hermione and began rubbing her shoulders.

Harry: “Hey, my favorite starlet, my muse!”

Hermione whined: “Why do you want to shoot THIS script?”

Harry: “It’s hot, Hermione. It’s sexy. Women love the fantasy of a strong, smart, powerful woman made helpless by desire and powerful sexual experiences.”

Hermione just raised an eyebrow.

Harry: “It’s not my fault, Mione. I never predicted this was where the fandom would go! But goddamn there are a lot of HORNY women out there using this stuff as spank bank material.”  

Hermione let out a big huff.

Hermione: “Well. I guess I can understand that.”

Harry’s hands kept rubbing gently down her arms.  

Harry: “Good girl,” he said. “You’re going to be amazing.”

Hermione: “YOU told Ron to quote feminists at me, didn’t you?”

Harry: “It worked, right? It’s true: feminists are horny women who are into this stuff, too.” 

Hermione snorted, but her head was tilted, listening to Harry’s consoling murmers. 

Harry: “You’re going to RULE THE WORLD after this. You and Draco, together.” 

Hermione: “It won’t bother you filming me in all these intimate scenes with your boyfriend?"

Harry: “Are you kidding? You’re so beautiful together. Two gorgeous people, gorgeous together. Besides, you’re both professionals. I trust you.” 

Hermione: “He IS so pretty that it hurts my teeth to look at him.”

Harry grinned. “Yeah, mine too. But I'm happy to share him with you… and the world. On a temporary basis.” 

Hermione: “Fine. But I’m not calling him Alpha.”

Harry: “Sir, then?”

Hermione glared.

Harry: “Lord?”

Hermione glared.

Harry: “Master?”

Hermione glared even harder. Harry hid a grin behind his hand, knowing he had won. 

Harry: “…. Alpha?”

Hermione: “FINE.  ALPHA ALPHA. PLEASE, ALPHA.”

Harry beamed. “Perfect, Hermy. The world is going to eat you up.”

Hermione: “BUT NO KNOTTING. THERE CANNOT BE ANY KNOTTING.” 

Harry and Ron exchange looks behind her back. Ron opens his mouth to speak, but Harry shakes his head.  “I’ve got it,” he mouths behind her back. “We’ll deal with it later.” 

Harry: “Let’s go film the first scene. It’ll feel so natural. You’re going to fall into this role so easily.”

Hermione: “… That’s what I’m afraid of.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/84390626

I have at least one future movie plot in mind.