u/Low_Theory6623

34F, always felt different. Wondering if I might be autistic and scared it won't change anything.

I've always felt like I see and feel things differently than other people. When I'm with others I play different roles depending on who I'm with, I shape myself around them; usually to make them feel less alone. I'm tired.

Normal stuff has always been hard for me. I didn't walk until I was 3. Never learned to ride a bike. Didn't drive until I was 25. I struggle to keep a tidy living space and to take care of myself and my things; my car goes without maintenance, I rarely see a doctor. I do keep myself clean and my clothes clean because I want to smell and appear nice to others, but even that was hard to build because I genuinely hate getting water on my face or near my eyes.

I don't like being touched. Physical intimacy has never really interested me.

For the last 12 years I struggled with substance abuse. I've been sober from alcohol for 3 years, THC for over a year. Most recently I quit nicotine about 10 months ago. Its getting harder to stay masked, I've withdrawn a lot from people. Its hard with my family, my friends, and my partner for me to want to be around them, and I feel lonely at the same time.

My therapist thinks I should get tested for autism and I'm considering it. But my biggest fear is that even if I get a diagnosis, it won't make daily life any easier. It'll just give me a name for why ordinary things drain me completely, why connection feels like performance, why I can't just be myself without becoming whoever the room needs me to be.

Has anyone else felt this way going into a diagnosis? Did it actually change anything for you?

When I was 21 years old, in the midst of what I have considered a psychotic episode I experienced some kind of vivid daytime hallucination and download of information. I was in a warehouse, old, worn and massive. There were filing cabinets and bookcases that went to the ceiling.

I read a book growing up called Dreamcatcher by Stephen King, so I thought it was something like the Memory Warehouse that Jonesy concocted to keep all his memories. So I was thinking it was something like that but my own warehouse. I carelessly opened up a random filing cabinet and pulled out a file and a hologram popped up and it was gold like glitter. I couldn't see what was on it, but it felt like pain. It made me start to cry and feel afraid. I put it back and grabbed another, it made me feel rage and despair. I stopped looking but thats when I started to go into my head, I was crawling on the floor, after a mouse, and then I was chasing a cat, chasing the mouse. Eventually I was a person picking berries and even felt rain soaking my hair. This was the beginning. I continued to be in this altered state for months. Everytime I closed my eyes I had vivid hallucinations or visions of people holding me down in an old hospital where I was having a baby. ( I have never in my life had a baby or even a pregnancy) and this vision returned many times more when I was in the mental hospital. I thought the workers there, meant me harm, that they were doing this to me and taking away my children. I was given a message in my mind that I was being cloned, and everyone I knew was my clone. It was impossible and it was terrifying.

My grandfather raised puppies in my childhood, each of them were born with a degenerative disease, and had to be put down. my mind replaced the memories of that with human children. Maybe it was because the puppies were human in a past life. Idk but I mostly think it was because I had psychosis. I just wanted to share this experience here because I know some people understand what the akashic records are and I think that is the warehouse I was in. I just dont understand how my own memories became distorted so terribly into impossibilities.

I recently discovered that a place I went to in 2012 might be a real place called the Akashic Records. I had never heard of it before but I was experiencing a psychotic episode after losing my father earlier that year. I was diagnosed with False Memory Syndrome after gaining hundreds of traumatic memories that never happened in my lifetime, but they looked and felt very real, almost like holgrams popping off pages. I was hospitalized for 2 months for psychosis and delusions and false memories and heavily medicated. getting back into life was very hard but I managed.
Later in life, maybe 10 years later I shared my experience with someone and they let me know there have been others who also experienced what I had. They told me about The Akashic Records.
These memories were so awful I will not repeat them for they are barbaric, vulgar and horrifying.
I wanted to share this in case others may have experienced the same thing, getting false memory syndrome and struggling with knowing what is real and what isn't.
I see a lot of what I consider to be scammers trying to offer to read someone's records as well. I dont want to hear from them.