I'm 23 years old and feel like a emotionalless machine
I'm writing this because I need to understand what's happening to me. I'm 23 years old now, and the problem is that I hardly feel anything anymore. No more joy, no more fear, no more anguish, nothing. Faced with super serious situations that should make me panic, I remain unmoved. When someone annoys me, 5 minutes later I've already moved on.
However, when I was younger, I was just the opposite: hyper angry, fearful, I cried for nothing.
Sometimes, without warning, otherwise, the pressure cooker explodes. I let go of everything, I totally lose control of myself and I can become super hurtful or threatening with my words.
So that you understand the context, I am coming out of 4 years of absolute suffering. When I was 18, I left my parents to run away from my stepfather, a verbally aggressive guy who spent his time blaming everyone else for everything that happened in the house (he never questioned himself, and he ended up cheating on my mother).
During these 4 years alone, I lived in misery: total lack of money, exhaustion, I earned nothing. In terms of food, it was chaos, I ate anything (McDonald's, candy) or I ate almost nothing. To top it off, I was cheated on by the girl I loved the most in the world. During this whole period when I was suffering, I felt extremely alone, abandoned by everyone.
It ended in total collapse. I went bankrupt, I found myself in debt, my car has broken down for 10 months, I lost my job and I had become completely suicidal.
Because of all this, I was forced to go back to live with my mother and her toxic husband. Except that now, the balance of power has changed: I scare him. We have brutal arguments, him and I, and we stop because my mother tells me so (they still live together but the story will be long if I say it)
Thank you.