Sometimes I am terrified that I will never change.
I moved to the city some months ago. Assisted living for people with autism. I have my own apartment but this floor is rented by an organization that helps autistic people. I have made progress as in I am living mostly independently now and I socialize a bit more than I used to, mostly with my neighbors. But what I'm also noticing is that I still stay in my apartment for most of the day everyday. I don't really go outside unless I really have to. I spend most of my time watching Youtube and gaming. I suspect that I am very deeply burnt out, autistic burnout. I am trying to cope with the situation as best I can, but it's so hard to actually rest. The negative emotions just come out as soon as I stop distracting myself and then I spiral. I am 26 now. I have spent the past decade mostly in my room on my computer immersed in games, fantasy, online contacts, alcohol and weed. I have made attempts to be a normal person. I tried school so many times. I worked different jobs. But everything failed eventually. A cycle of buildup, momentum, then followed by a crash and deep isolation and shame. That's the story of my life. I feel very ashamed of myself. Everyone around me has things going on. My neighbors are working jobs, going out and doing stuff. And I'm just here. Existing. Ageing. Vegetating. Maybe I am deep in a burnout. I cannot think straight. I cannot endure social stimuli, lights, sounds for longer than like half an hour before I feel like I will pass out. But how do I come back from that? It's scary. I was smart in the past. I did well in school. Now my cognition is fked. I just want to hangout with friends, socialize, flirt a little. I want to live, damnit. My deepest fear is that I will never be able to come back from this. That this is just who I am. An outcast, weirdo. A could-have-been. But I know that this is a negative thought pattern and could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's just hard to not believe these thoughts and to fight back against them. I have made small steps in the right direction. I have been making small steps for years now. I managed to move out, I am pretty sociable when I can muster the energy. I am slowly accepting my disability and learning to work with my mind and mental/emotional challenges. Sometimes the world just seems so daunting. People are terrifying. The amount of possibilities is terrifying. What do I even want to do? Where do I even begin? How do I recover? Idk, tonight I am just vulnerable and emotionally raw.
What do you guys do to comfort yourself and to relax when you feel like this? I feel like this feeling of paralyzing fear is pretty universal among us.