u/LuxLumi17

Let me preface this by preemptively responding to the anticipated “not all men” comment;
I am not a misandrist.
When I encounter men who are truly respectful, and considerate I feel an affinity / deep appreciation for them.

However there is no viable rebuttal for the statement that misogyny is essentially omnipresent within our world, and it has been for an extremely large portion of time.
And I am so sick of that fact being so subtly (and sometimes blatantly) evident.
I should clarify that there are many different displays of misogynistic behaviour, some may seem insignificant to many, but to me every little reminder that the majority of humanity deems women as the gender that necessitates subordination fills me with rage.
I know this isn’t an intriguing new topic, but bear with me.
The way I observe practically decomposing old men staring at young women / teen girls, AND CHILDREN almost every time I’m out in public is absolutely abhorrent and I completely despise the way nobody seems to want to address it directly. I wish people wouldn’t be reluctant to be combative towards people who warrant the aggression.
I’m the most tired of the predatory pricks.
The ones who breathe down your neck while you’re in a line, getting off on invading your space, the ones who lurk and stalk, the ones who have eyes that relentlessly pursue women.
I’m so tired of it.
The other day I experienced a less severe form of disrespect, and I thought about the fact that I initially didn’t process it as something to even be cognizant of and how that response in itself was part of the problem…
I was on bleachers and a little mob of
Pre - teen boys approached. It was raining and consequently they were covered in mud. They walked past me to get to their spot, and in doing so I got kicked (lightly) multiple times and my clothing got covered in mud, it was a tight space so my response was a bit of a whatever but in retrospect, they had such a low regard for me that they didn’t even think to apologize and they could have made more of an effort to prevent kicking me.
Nobody wants to acknowledge these “insignificant” or implicit demonstrations of indifference towards women (the staring, the slight harassment, the lack of decency the list goes on) and that is a major issue because misogynistic behaviour doesn’t typically begin in a manner that is overtly drastic.
I’m so tired of people absolving men of their ill intent and not holding them accountable.
I want to go outside and not fear that I am being preyed upon.
I’m so frustrated seeing accredited statistics such as “Males account for approximately 80% of arrests that are made as a result of violent crime” and still hearing individuals try to dissolve the fact that a surplus of men are threatening in one form or another. (This stat is congruent with data obtained by the U.S federal beuro of investigation - a source that is arguably quite credible)
There is no refuting that there is an epidemic of male inflicted violence, but people will still try.
I don’t know which party infuriates me more, the offenders or their defenders.

For context, I’m just wondering if anyone has found themselves in similar circumstances that they’ve been able to cope with efficiently. I’ve gone no contact with the majority of my immediate family excluding a few individuals. (This was due to perpetually dysfunctional behaviour being exhibited by them since my early childhood)
For a long duration of time I felt I was content with my very necessitated detachment, and although I do not regret my decision I feel incredibly isolated.
In many ways I feel inhibited when it comes to forming connections with others -I have an avoidant attachment style, have experienced a colossal amount of trauma, etc etc. I have several good friends but I feel I only connect with them superficially, and they do not substitute the dynamics that are shared between biological relatives.
My mother had multiple miscarriages when I was a child, which I find myself grieving.
So no siblings.
I tried to make contact with extended family to fill the void to no avail (They confirmed my suspicion of my lineage being comprised of instability)
I have 2 cousins 10 hours away from me, both of which are normal, nice people that I would love to associate with but the distance prevents that from happening.
I also have a little cousin that I haven’t met (10 hours away as well)
I also live out in the boonies which makes me feel further alienated from humanity.
Recently a family moved across the road from me, and I immediately felt so envious of these people -two present, seemingly sane parents, and two kids. I met them a total of two times briefly and find myself feeling desperate to just wave at them and have a smile be requited -this really highlighted how people deprived I have become for me.
I convinced myself that I had chosen solitude because it was safe and I was secure in it, but now I feel like a pariah person who’s been sheltered from
*meaningful*
human interaction.

Sometimes I feel guilty about the way I detached from my family. Never regretful, but slightly ashamed.
I haven’t fully disclosed much about my hatred towards my family to anyone because for a long time I internalized the idea that I must have been the perpetrator of some wrongdoing and although their actions were inappropriate, my reaction of evading them permanently was “disproportionate” or over the top.
I’ve taken this topic to therapy numerous times but I’m looking for some unbiased external input.
Here’s the most memorable events that transpired while I was at the very malleable age of 13.
\*My aunt and cousin allowed me to have some CBD gummies… and “accidentally” ended up giving me an excessive amount of THC gummies as well, leading to THIRTEEN year old me getting high to an extent were I was delirious and ill. My mother didn’t seem to be critical towards them for what they did, insisting that they didn’t mean to. I still feel ambiguously about the whole instance, but now that I’m no longer 13 I know that was incredibly irresponsible of them.
\*That same cousin got extremely drunk one day, and was texting me paragraphs upon paragraphs about how immature and terrible I was. Let me reiterate that I was 13, and add the context that she was in her mid twenties, as well as the fact that My dad had recently died, and I was abysmally deep in depression and an eating disorder. The entirety of my family absolved her of any responsibility, under the premise that “we all say things” & Somehow everyone in the family collectively agreed that I was the one behaving improperly for “holding grudges” and refusing to forgive and forget.
\*My aunt (again with the horrendous texts) wrote a message to my mother about what a disrespectful, immature teen I was, under the guise of her being concerned about what route I was going down (in retrospect I believe she was projecting her own disappointment about her children onto me and my mother) unfortunately at the time me and my mother shared our devices, and I saw this text message’s notification, I saw my name, and I clicked on it. Again, I was the aggressor in their eyes because that message was intended for my mother, and I was painted as a perpetrator of nosiness who needed to stay in my lane. Yet again, my mother (although slightly more critical of my aunt due to being personally offended) did not hold my aunt accountable for her unprovoked verbal attack because my aunt didn’t intend for me to read it. I’m close with my mother, she’s the only one I wouldn’t go no contact with. I understand what lengths the brain will go to in order to preserve connections with other individuals regardless of how cancerous those individuals may be. We crave connection.

Here are some other reasons I disavow and despise my family.

1. The general cognitive dysfunction of these people. Nobody has an ounce of critical thinking, neural function, whatever euphemism you wanna use to substitute for calling them dumb ass degenerates.
2. My cousin (not the one aforementioned) came out as gay, and was terrorized and inundated with religious psychosis because of it. I remember family members literally going into his room one by one to try to talk the gay out of him. I never understood as a child why he was “so rude and moody” to his mom (my aunt) He later had a suicide attempt.
3. I may sound like an asshole for this one, but I’m on a vent forum so whatever, I suppose I don’t need to prioritize being too circumspect here. They are degenerates. Nobody finished schooling, nobody has a particular passion that they really pursued, their lives consist of traumatizing their peers and rotting on couches. And I hate that I share their DNA. I have spent years trying to segregate and differentiate myself from them.

I have undergone two sessions so far and I feel petrified.
I’ve done a lot of reading, and Everything accredited and medically reviewed that I read implores that R-TMS Is a completely safe procedure and that there are no documented incidents of permanent adverse effects…
Yet there are so many testimony’s from recipients claiming that the opposite was true for them.
It seems like there is a very extensive amount of data corroborating the claim that it is safe and that negative symptoms experienced are transient, but I still feel like I’m drowning in fear.
If anybody has completed their treatment and did NOT sustain eternally exacerbated suffering worse than what was occurring prior to treatment I’d LOVE to hear about it.
Because right now my brain is trying to convince me that I may as well be getting a lobotomy or hit on the head with a hammer.
So again to reiterate if anyone has had positive results please do share!!!

I am wondering if anyone can provide me with some input.
I am petrified to proceed with rTMS treatment as the screening processes that I have gone through at the facility where I would be receiving the treatment have been downright atrocious.
Each technician / staff member that I have dealt with has been hostile, dismissive, and even argumentative.
(I am a very quiet, non confrontational person just to clarify that I did not instigate any conflict, or give any of these people a reason to be disrespectful to me)
I know that the efficacy of TMS treatment can be dependant on how accurately the mapping is conducted & the coils are placed, and honestly I do not have an ounce of trust in anyone who is employed at this hospital to properly gauge what neural regions would need to be targeted / at what frequency, etc.
if you don’t have the cognitive capacity to comprehend that you shouldn’t be behaving coldly to a teen you know is depressed and in need of emotional aid then why should you be entrusted with the fate of somebody’s psyche?
I really do not know how to proceed.
I know that There’s a chance this treatment could mitigate some of the agonizing & life inhibiting symptoms I’ve been experiencing so I feel adamant about just giving it a shot…
Until I really think about how callous, and incompetent the technicians at this hospital have been.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated. 💙