u/Magpie_7262

I'm so tired of everything. My husband was my only friend. He was the last person I had. Sure I still have family, but we aren't close and never have been. I'm so tired of fighting through every day just to wake up. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I'm tired of existing alone.

It's been a month. A month without his laugh or his loud exclamations while playing video games. A month without him playing a new goofy song he just found, or telling me about his new work. A month without him snoring or asking for meatloaf. A month where I've not known what to do with myself. A month where I've just emotionally walked myself off and pretended to be functioning. His ashes sit in the living room while I pack up the last of our life we made. Selling off the things I can't take and letting others have memories of him. Our dog has stopped looking for him in his office and stops getting excited when the door opens. Our cat has gone back to being aloof and not crying out for him. I still can't eat more than once a day, but I've gotten better at snacking. Sleeping at night is hell. I ran out of meds and now I just lay and look at his side of the bed. Ten years gone in the blink of an eye. It's taken a month to realize how few people I really had around me I didn't realize how much of my world revolved around him until now. Until I'm alone again and everyone's moving on.

Another Saturday means another day of reliving what happened.

Last night I turned over in bed excited to tell him something about a tiktok. My brain completely forgot he was gone. Until I saw how empty his side of the bed was. It hit all over again. The pain. The loss. It all hit me again.

I still can't fall asleep without help. I still wake up in pain. I know that it takes time to even begin to heal the wound his death caused. But time feels like the worst punishment.

Does this end? Will I wake up one day and not feel like someone is squeezing my heart?

Usually I'd make a joke because of the barenaked ladies song. But all I can think about is how it's been one week since he passed. I used to love Saturdays. They were the lazy day. The day we snuggled in bed till the dog whined to go out. The day we cooked together. The day we went over the grocery list. The day we watched cheesy horror movies and laughed.

Now Saturdays are a reminder of how much I lost. They are so quiet. I hate Saturdays so much now because they remind me of all I lost.

He passed away may 2nd. Today I laughed at something his brother sent me and I broke down feeling so guilty. Every moment of my life since he left has been horrible and agonizing pain. And the one moment I laughed it tore through me like a shot. Will I always feel this way? Will every smile hurt more? Will I ever stop hurting so much? Will the nightmares fade?

Last night (3/2/26) my (32f) husband (39m) suffered a heart attack. I was right there. I did cpr the best I could. I know the 911 call was less than 5minutes, but it felt like five years. When he was taken away they said he had a pulse. But not even forty minutes later the hospital said he was gone. I don't think I've ever screamed like that before. Something inside me is torn open and I can't close it. I've lost loved ones before. Mom, nana, papa. He was my rock through everything. I woke up because he was always beside me. For the last ten years I have not been away from him. I've been numbly laying in bed. Staring at his side. The side he died on. I watch our dog search the house for him and cry out when she can't find him. I watch our car follow suit. They come to me and snuggle me as I let out pained sobs and screams. People keep sending condolences. I accept them because they are kind. But NOTHING dulls the pain. It hasn't even been a full 24hrs. I know that one day maybe it won't hurt this bad. But every minute that passes the hurt gets worse. The negative thoughts creep in again and again. I find myself staring at nothing and then I look around for him. Like my brain keeps forgetting that he's gone. Like I expect he will just walk into the bedroom and tell me about the new videogame he was playing or the new manga he found to read. I find myself just scrolling my phone mindlessly. Nothing in this life makes sense. Nothing in this world feels real. I just want my husband back. I don't care for anything else.