u/MarzalirnParasite

art by me.

my dads in the ICU with a broken back i feel like it’s my fault last i heard he was paralyzed… i don’t know if it’s temporary

i feel like it’s my fault, i called him last night around midnight asking where he was, he was at a friends birthday party.

i wish i told him to come home i wish i told him to come home this all could’ve been prevented if i told him to come home.

he broke his back this afternoon in a four wheeling accident.

i want to cry and just stop breathing and thinking, i can’t focus im so scared.
i just want him to be safe.. im so scared

i hate this. i was diagnosed with chronic stress and severe anxiety.
i can’t stand so many things without a panic attack occurring. i hate this so much. even when my dad slightly raises his voice, my heart races and im scared and that goes into a panic attack, it sounds dumm but im not going into what has happened in the past because its.. not good at all.

i think about the two guys who SA-ed me and it makes my skin crawl, i can never get rid of their touch no matter how much i scrub or get rid of it off my skin.

i hate that i still care for them both.. i hate the police did nothing but i’m happy they also didn’t do anything because he’s the same age as me.. has a whole life ahead of him.

i’m a mess mentally and physically, i hate i feel bad for people who have hurt me most. i can’t hold a proper relationship. im so tempted to break things off with my gf but i can’t because i love her and yadayada.

sorry for the long rant. i’m tired. i can’t sleep due to the nightmares. i hate this.

goodnight silly’s, you all are so amazing and sweet, remember, stay silly.

I wake up with these horrible nightmares, they go off simple past trauma i have had. they’re graphic, no scary monster.. just physiological horror at its pure finest. i’ve been scared to sleep but once i do, it starts again. and again, and again. and i end up sleeping all day.

i have a lot on my plate, im not going to share it all but its some horrid stuff..
but they go something like this:
it was very rainy out and i took photos of a train with mama kitty, then she got lost, i kept asking abe why he never responds and then i got scrutinized for it and told how worthless and disgusting and horrible i am, then i went home. i was hanging out with my dad and he took a shower, i drew him a drawing while sitting in the living room, he didnt say thank you, then he left to the bar without saying i love you or miss you, and i started asking why, then he dropped me off at the train tracks and offed himself. then it kept repeating him offing himself and getting into fatal accidents

it scares me. thank you for reading silly’s. i love you all

art by me