u/MeatBeatManifest0

Content warning for sexually frank discussion

So, I remember being a kid and seeing people like the Club Kids and Marilyn Manson on Geraldo and Donahue (and then obviously much bigger places when Manson's career blew up in the Antichrist Superstar era) and being completely blown away and moved by talk show hosts calling them "gender benders" and realizing/becoming obsessed with the idea that being "between genders" was a possibility. As I was slowly descending from the Christian programming I was forced into and realizing I was queer, I was also slowly realizing that I didn't like, fit in with, or feel anything close to what all the men and boys I was raised around and expected to be like, realizing that the idea that I didn't have to be that was incredibly liberating. I saw and described myself as a "genderless alien" from about 11 onward. Then, around 2014, I started seeing "genderqueer" and "nonbinary" being talked about on social media, and immediately claimed that for myself. My partner (cis woman) of now going on 19 years was totally good with it, it wasn't really anything new to her, just the terminology. I've been going by he/they for a long time now (I'm AMAB, I present as masculine with qualities I'd describe as effeminate but not feminine, and I'm aware that the world will always perceive me on-sight as he/him, and I don't have an interest in constantly arguing or insisting against people's instincts).

I've also always been extremely disinterested in sex. I'm bi, in the sense that I'm attracted to a huge variety of people regardless of gender, but I very rarely have absolutely any interest in actually having sex with them. I've been with two men and two women in my life, and with every one of them, except my aforementioned partner of going on 19 years, I couldn't get it up the first time we tried to have sex, and I've had potency issues with all of them frequently, which has only gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm gonna be 40 in a few weeks, and for the last six years I've found it almost impossible to actually get erect for sex. When it started, my internalized self-hating biphobia kicked in and I thought that I must just secretly really be gay and this was me being unable to hide it anymore. My partner and I broke up (not exclusively because of this, but it was the driving force for sure), I dated a guy for a year or two (so did she), and to my surprise, the problem continued. I barely ever wanted to do anything with him, and eventually I lost interest entirely and we broke up. I looked into asexuality and realized, ah, it finally all makes sense, I must just be ace, or at least gray... I'm just gonna be alone for the rest of my life and not bother with all this shit anymore. There's no use in forcing myself to try, or putting other people through my neuroses when they deserve to be in reciprocal relationships with people who want the same thing they do...

and then, my partner broke up with her boyfriend, we leaned on each other emotionally, we spent about three months falling asleep in each other's arms watching the X-Files, and we realized that all that talk of being "twin flames" and all the years we spent finishing each other's ~~~sandwiches~~~ sentences was real, and really still there. We never stopped loving each other, we just had some shit we both needed to go through that was still lingering from not being dealt with in our 20s. It was great, we were better than we'd ever been, but penetrative sex was just off the table for me. At the time, in light of the horrific relationship she'd just gotten out of (won't go into details) she didn't care about that at all, but eventually, her being a very sexual person became more and more of a central focus. We started trying to meet in the middle; we'd do other things, and since I have a huge oral fixation and love giving with no interest in receiving, we struck a good compromise.... but it was very clear to both of us that something was missing, and that only became more clear over time.

As much as I truly, genuinely don't care whether I have sex or not for myself and my own gratification, I truly, deeply missed the intense connection it gave us and wanted to get that back, and so did she (plus she just really wanted a thorough plowing). I started trying viagra and eventually cialis (viagra gave me horrible head rushes and stuffy nose and anxiety). It worked great for a bit, but eventually even that wasn't enough and I started failing to perform even with the pharmaceutical intervention.

I had blood work done, and it turned out I had very low testosterone for someone my age. So for a month and a half now, I've been on T, and it has completely changed my life. My body's reacting the same way it did when I was a pre-teen riding the bus, and my thoughts are constantly racing with erotic thoughts in a way I've literally never experienced in my life, and it's great, but the thing that's really got me confused is that it's not just that, but for as much as I don't relate culturally or behaviorally with cishet men, and as much as I don't even necessarily know what I'm about to say really "means", I can't describe how I feel any other way than that I feel like a MAN. I've never felt this way before, and I'm still new in the process so I don't know if it's always going to be this way, but I honestly don't know if I'm actually nonbinary or not anymore. I've been certain that that's who I am for many, many years at this point, but for the last month and a half, I'm now starting to believe that I've just been missing/under-producing an important hormone for my post-pubescent life.

I don't really have anyone to talk about this with, so I'm coming here to see what y'all think. I apologize for the long-winded rant, and I want to be absolutely crystal clear that I am not critiquing anyone else's experience or identity or even remotely suggesting that this applies to anyone but me, so please don't take it that way.

Even if I'm not nonbinary, I'd definitely still say that I "queer gender"/perform a masculine gender in a queer way, so I don't think I'll drop "genderqueer" as an identifier, but I'm starting to think I might not actually be nonbinary, I just don't produce the appropriate amount of testosterone for my body.

Thank you for listening 🖤

(also, as an aside, please note that I'm aware of the controversial nature of both the Club Kids and Marilyn Manson and am not condoning, condemning, or ultimately at all interested in discussing them or their behavior in this thread, they're just the primary examples of where I first learned about the concept of not being fully man or woman)

Guess this hole is here forever now....🤷

[REQ] $120 Brattleboro, VT, USA, Repay 7/9, Cashapp/Paypal

$120, VT, repay $130 on 7/9, Cashapp, needed for bills

$120 (VT) repay $130 on 7/9, Cashapp/PayPal, needed for bills

$120, VT, repay $130 on 7/9, Cashapp, needed for bills

Got started on Testosterone, suddenly not sure if I'm actually nb

Anyone else having this happen? Sign-in elements rapidly flashing [Bedrock]