u/MelVrn

🧚‍♂️🧚‍♀️🧚

Do you sometimes struggle to write certain things because they make you ashamed or because it hurts? I do, but it feels good when you manage to write everything down; it helps you let go.

Do you also find it hard to reread certain passages because of shame or suffering? I never reread them.

4/05/2026:

I wake up feeling as bad as if I were still going to school or something like that—like I was rejected by everyone, feeling like a monster and so alone, abandoned by my parents. On top of that, I have my period, and I can hear the neighbors’ lawn mower, and I can slightly smell the freshly cut grass from my window (a smell I don’t like, and I don’t want to start sneezing).

It’s going to be okay—there are so many things that feel good to do. Like not going on social media until tonight, reading my book with a bit of coffee (just a little, even though I’m on my period), making progress on my big clean-up, and also seeing my grandmother.

It’s going to be okay. I’m going to get up and realize it’s not as bad as it feels. Everything is fine—my brain tricked me again. I’m an adult, and I don’t go to school anymore.

I wake up feeling as bad as if I were still going to school or something like that—like I was rejected by everyone, feeling like a monster and so alone, abandoned by my parents. On top of that, I have my period, and I can hear the neighbors’ lawn mower, and I can slightly smell the freshly cut grass from my window (a smell I don’t like, and I don’t want to start sneezing).

It’s going to be okay—there are so many things that feel good to do. Like not going on social media until tonight, reading my book with a bit of coffee (just a little, even though I’m on my period), making progress on my big clean-up, and also seeing my grandmother.

It’s going to be okay. I’m going to get up and realize it’s not as bad as it feels. Everything is fine—my brain tricked me again. I’m an adult, and I don’t go to school anymore.

Right now, all I do is think about the people who have hurt me, I keep wondering what they thought or think of me, and I'm way too interested in their lives. I'm tired of having nothing else on my mind all the time, even when I'm trying to read or work out. I am ashamed of their opinion of me. How can I love myself enough to free my mind?

Right now, all I can think about is the people who hurt me, wondering what they thought or think of me, and I'm way too preoccupied with their life. I'm tired of having nothing else on my mind all the time, even when I try to read or exercise. I am ashamed of their opinion of me. How can I love myself so much that it clears my mind?

No gratuitous malice, just knowing when to show your claws if necessary, just being mean to the mean.

What are the advantages of having been one all your life?

Today, I continued watching Flatliners, and seeing some actors I know made me realize just how young they were back then it was their era of glory (except for a few who are more well-known now). Some of them were even part of my adolescence. I was younger too, of course, and above all, it was before 2020 before that other world, at a time when we had no idea how much everything was going to change. I also found myself thinking (like them after their experience) about how much I’d love to live feeling light and fearless, not overthinking things, and no longer being slow every day in taking action and moving forward but without the near-death experience, obviously. I also caught myself wishing I could have answers to all the mysteries of my life, all those unanswered questions but at the same time, there are some things I truly wouldn’t want to know, because I’d be afraid the answer might be unbearable.

27/04/2026

Today, I continued watching Flatliners, and seeing some actors I know made me realize just how young they were back then it was their era of glory (except for a few who are more well-known now). Some of them were even part of my adolescence. I was younger too, of course, and above all, it was before 2020 before that other world, at a time when we had no idea how much everything was going to change. I also found myself thinking (like them after their experience) about how much I’d love to live feeling light and fearless, not overthinking things, and no longer being slow every day in taking action and moving forward but without the near-death experience, obviously. I also caught myself wishing I could have answers to all the mysteries of my life, all those unanswered questions but at the same time, there are some things I truly wouldn’t want to know, because I’d be afraid the answer might be unbearable.

27/04/2026

Aujourd'hui, j'ai continué à regarder Flatliners, et voir certains acteurs que je connais m'a fait réaliser à quel point ils étaient jeunes à l'époque, c'était leur ère de gloire (sauf pour quelques-uns qui sont plus célèbres maintenant). Certains d'entre eux faisaient même partie de mon adolescence. J'étais plus jeune aussi, bien sûr, et surtout, c'était tout avant 2020, avant cet autre monde, à une époque où nous n'avions aucune idée de combien tout allait changer. J'ai aussi pensé (comme eux après leur expérience) à quel point j'aimerais vivre en me sentant léger et sans peur, ne pas trop réfléchir, et aussi ne plus être lente chaque jour dans mes actions pour évoluer, mais sans l'expérience de mort imminente, évidemment.. Je me suis aussi surpris à souhaiter que je puisse avoir des réponses à tous les mystères de ma vie, toutes ces questions sans réponse, mais en même temps, il y a des choses que je ne voudrais vraiment pas savoir, parce que j'aurais peur que la réponse soit insupportable

Oups, j'ai fait une erreur avec la date : c'est le 04 avril Rooh une autre erreur, je n'ai pas écrit le texte en anglais 😡 Je recommence :

Aujourd'hui, j'ai continué à regarder Flatliners, et voir certains acteurs que je connais m'a fait réaliser à quel point ils étaient jeunes à l'époque, c'était leur époque de gloire (sauf pour quelques-uns qui sont plus connus maintenant). Certains d'entre eux faisaient même partie de mon adolescence. J'étais plus jeune aussi, bien sûr, et surtout, c'était avant 2020, avant cet autre monde, à une époque où nous n'avions aucune idée de combien tout allait changer. J'ai aussi pensé (comme eux après leur expérience) à quel point j'aimerais vivre en me sentant léger et sans peur, ne pas trop réfléchir, et aussi ne plus être lente chaque jour dans mes actions pour évoluer, mais sans l'expérience de mort imminente, évidemment. Je me suis aussi surpris à souhaiter que je puisse avoir des réponses à tous les mystères de ma vie, toutes ces questions sans réponse mais en même temps, il y a certaines choses que je ne voudrais vraiment pas savoir, car j'aurais peur que la réponse puisse être insupportable.

Every time I find my peace of mind, they throw me off balance. I'm fed up! They don't deserve me. I hate them.

Every time I find my peace of mind, they throw me off balance. I'm fed up! They don't deserve me. I hate them.

Reflections on my love of books

Looking back at this book series I read years ago, never finishing the last volume, I realized how much I'd love to rediscover that love of reading! Back in my teens, I didn't even have social media when everyone else had Facebook, but honestly, it was a different time. Even those on social media managed to read books. As an adult, over the years, and of course, with all the social media, I started reading less and less, and now I can't manage it at all! I want it to go back to how it was! I'm going to try my best. I want to reread old books, continue the book series I hadn't finished, discover new wonders, and relive the feeling of total immersion in a world—it was such an exquisite sensation! I've read a few books lately, but I'm never fully absorbed in them, and I regret that. I want to go back to the time when reading was my refuge from pain. In any case, my love of writing remains intact!

\*Notepad: When I was a little girl, I was watching an episode of Rocket Power and one of the characters had a notepad, and it really made me want one. That day my father went to the doctor with him, and I don't know if I might have looked at one of his notepads intently (that day I saw real, not a draw notepads from a cartoon, wow!), but: he gave me one of his notepads.

\*The night before my guinea pig died, my mother and I dreamt about him: she dreamt he was dead, and I dreamt that a man who looked like the swimming coach of Laure Manaudou came to get his cage, to take it to heaven—I think that's what it was, if I remember correctly—his cage with my guinea pig still alive inside.

\*Best friend: I was in middle school and I saw a little girl my age and her sister sitting there. They were from another country and special teachers were going to take care of them. I thought the little girl my age was so beautiful; I still remember her hairstyle, the barrette in her hair, and her bag. I really wanted to be her friend. About two years later, we became best friends. Actually, I don't even remember how we became best friends, how we grew closer. In the meantime, we had already run into each other in the schoolyard, we had even played together with other people, and I remember one day when I had no friends and she even complained about not having any, but that wasn't even the year we became close.

All these synchronicities stem from my childhood and pre-adolescence.