This morning, Amazon recommended Holly by Stephen King to me. I added it to my wishlist and looked it up on Google to see what it was about. Then I moved on to something else, thinking I'd probably read it a long time from now.
Around lunchtime, my mom came home and told me she had been to the store and bought me a book. When I looked at it, I saw that it was Holly by Stephen King.
It’s as if they still held power over me. It’s as if they weren't paying the price for what they did to me, and therefore despised me even more.
I didn't know how to approach things back then. I made choices I regret, but I couldn't have known any better without experiencing them myself. I came to understand certain truths through my pain, and becoming aware of them has ultimately brought me a sense of peace. I never stop growing; I'm always learning. A butterfly may still scrape and damage its wings from time to time, but a butterfly is beautiful.
In my country, it's 12:51 AM. At night, my emotions are amplified tenfold. For example, I'm currently rewatching The Handmaid's Tale, which I stopped watching at season 5 three years ago. I'm rewatching the scene where the handmaids escape, the scene with the train. At a powerful moment in the show I just rewatched, the song "I Say a Little Prayer" plays. I enjoy listening to music or watching scenes from movies again.
Personally, I ruminate way too much and it really annoys me, but there are times when I let go and it's wonderful:
- The only time I think about myself and let go of my thoughts is when I'm exercising. The more intense the effort, the more my brain has no choice but to let go of my intrusive thoughts, allowing me to focus on the effort I'm putting into the exercise and thus release dopamine. Unfortunately, I've lost the euphoria of exercise, but I want to get it back because it was wonderful!
-Otherwise, another way to let go of my intrusive thoughts is to become fascinated and focused on something other than myself: the lore of a series, a book, a video game, a legend, a mystery; playing with video game characters and it feels amazing to forget my problems.
- Sleeping is also a good temporary solution.
🧚♂️🧚♀️🧚
Do you sometimes struggle to write certain things because they make you ashamed or because it hurts? I do, but it feels good when you manage to write everything down; it helps you let go.
Do you also find it hard to reread certain passages because of shame or suffering? I never reread them.
4/05/2026:
I wake up feeling as bad as if I were still going to school or something like that—like I was rejected by everyone, feeling like a monster and so alone, abandoned by my parents. On top of that, I have my period, and I can hear the neighbors’ lawn mower, and I can slightly smell the freshly cut grass from my window (a smell I don’t like, and I don’t want to start sneezing).
It’s going to be okay—there are so many things that feel good to do. Like not going on social media until tonight, reading my book with a bit of coffee (just a little, even though I’m on my period), making progress on my big clean-up, and also seeing my grandmother.
It’s going to be okay. I’m going to get up and realize it’s not as bad as it feels. Everything is fine—my brain tricked me again. I’m an adult, and I don’t go to school anymore.
I wake up feeling as bad as if I were still going to school or something like that—like I was rejected by everyone, feeling like a monster and so alone, abandoned by my parents. On top of that, I have my period, and I can hear the neighbors’ lawn mower, and I can slightly smell the freshly cut grass from my window (a smell I don’t like, and I don’t want to start sneezing).
It’s going to be okay—there are so many things that feel good to do. Like not going on social media until tonight, reading my book with a bit of coffee (just a little, even though I’m on my period), making progress on my big clean-up, and also seeing my grandmother.
It’s going to be okay. I’m going to get up and realize it’s not as bad as it feels. Everything is fine—my brain tricked me again. I’m an adult, and I don’t go to school anymore.
Right now, all I do is think about the people who have hurt me, I keep wondering what they thought or think of me, and I'm way too interested in their lives. I'm tired of having nothing else on my mind all the time, even when I'm trying to read or work out. I am ashamed of their opinion of me. How can I love myself enough to free my mind?
Right now, all I can think about is the people who hurt me, wondering what they thought or think of me, and I'm way too preoccupied with their life. I'm tired of having nothing else on my mind all the time, even when I try to read or exercise. I am ashamed of their opinion of me. How can I love myself so much that it clears my mind?
No gratuitous malice, just knowing when to show your claws if necessary, just being mean to the mean.
Le souvenir que cette photo procure !
Si je me trompe pas on devait faire comme si c'était une soirée pyjama.
What are the advantages of having been one all your life?
Today, I continued watching Flatliners, and seeing some actors I know made me realize just how young they were back then it was their era of glory (except for a few who are more well-known now). Some of them were even part of my adolescence. I was younger too, of course, and above all, it was before 2020 before that other world, at a time when we had no idea how much everything was going to change. I also found myself thinking (like them after their experience) about how much I’d love to live feeling light and fearless, not overthinking things, and no longer being slow every day in taking action and moving forward but without the near-death experience, obviously. I also caught myself wishing I could have answers to all the mysteries of my life, all those unanswered questions but at the same time, there are some things I truly wouldn’t want to know, because I’d be afraid the answer might be unbearable.
27/04/2026